As Told By Us: Mel

Mel - 29th December 

I can’t do anything these days without thinking about the future. I put on a certain outfit, a certain perfume and hope that will affect the outcome of the day. Things will be perfect and everything will turn out okay if I do a certain thing right and get to a certain place. I tried to watch a television programme to take my mind off the future and bring me back to the present but the main character reminded me of me. And she had someone, and I thought about my possible someone, and what will happen when I get back to university, what I would say to make things fall into place. My thoughts began to get on my nerves so I changed the channel. I was staring at the television screen. If my brother burst through the door right now, or my mum walked in with ironed clothes that needed hanging in my wardrobe, they would think that I was just watching television. But my mind was in a completely different place and I had completely forgotten the television was on. When I snapped myself out of the trance of imagining how things could be I turned the television off and picked up a book called ‘Do Androids dream of electric sheep?’ We were studying this book next term in Literature so I thought I might begin to read it. I got through the first two pages before my mind wandered again. I thought about the film adaption called ‘Blade Runner’ that we were going to watch in the third week of term, and I thought about whether that person would be there and I imagined what might happen when we spoke. My eyes were still skimming along the words in the book but I wasn’t reading them. I threw the book to the floor and fell backwards onto my cushions. My eyes fell on my dressing table where boxes of chocolates stood, uneaten from Christmas. I always expect things to turn out a certain way and when they don’t I get disappointed. I suppose it’s the same for everyone. Sometimes we want something so bad we try to write the script on how it should go. It can be the opposite to. When things turn out exactly the way you planned it can leave you unsatisfied. I fancied some chocolate so I got up from my bed and opened a box of Roses expecting to find the chewy caramel ones coated in chocolate. I couldn’t see any so I tipped the contents of the box onto the floor so I could see them better but the caramel ones weren’t there. Turns out they had been replaced by a coffee flavoured one. I was annoyed at first because I really liked the caramel. I tried the coffee one, it tasted okay. I took a handful and went back to lie on my bed again. I only realized I’d drifted into another day dream when I suddenly felt sick from mindlessly eating six chocolates. I sighed and pushed the wrappers onto the floor, wondering if things ever go the way we want them to or whether we’ll all be stuck making our selves sick with second best chocolate for the rest of our lives.