I Remember II

2004

I remember falling in love with you. I remember the day we met. I had just turned 21 and you 28. Do you remember - it only took a few
weeks? You leaned over and asked me if I would stay with you forever. You were only joking yet my heart said "yes". I remember how you grew
your beard differently for me. I remember our first Christmas together.I remember telling you that you were my family now. I remember you
taking me to a nightclub on New Year's eve in your warm car, playing the "Crystal Method - Vegas" CD. I remember curling up on your bare
chest. I remember watching you sleep and wondering if there could be a greater joy in the world. I remember the unmistakable scent you carry,
a mixture of something wonderful and just you and "Isi Miyake". I'd recognise that smell anywhere. I remember I would take one of your worn
T-shirts with me when I had to go away on business, and I would sleep in it and dream of you.

I remember the first time you took me to Ireland. I remember how your mother tucked me in and looked after me when I was sick. I remember how
diplomatic you were when we had to disagree and yet I would always cry because I loved you so much. I remember choosing together the town
where we were going to settle one day. I remember you kneeling in the shrine at Knock. I remember you teaching me how to cook. You would make
laugh all the time. You gave praise when I got things right and gentle correction when I didn't. I remember the happiness after two years,
when we finally moved in together. I remember buying our first flat, along the river. I remember choosing the furniture together, and you
working so hard to re-vamp the place. I remember how much you like chocolate and how happy you could be made for a 40p bar.

I remember how much we laughed in Tunisia, how much we played Pool in Croatia, I remember you staring with your beautiful blue eyes across
the Aegean Sea. I remember you on a moped. I remember the time I missed your knees with the sun block and you got burned. I remember how much
you love cars; your Alfa Romeo 156 was the only real competition I had. I remember you taking me to Dungeness and Greatstone, to St David's, to
Torquay, to Coventry, to Paradise wildlife park, to Whipsnade zoo, to Canvey Island, to South-end, to Cambridge, to Dublin, to Limerick, to
Cork, to Galway, to Ennis, to Stradbally and Tipperary - the list of happy days seems endless. I remember it all and so so much more. The
happiness, I remember it and always will.

I remember how you always put me first. You gave me everything you could to make me happy. You are always putting others before yourself.
You never deserved anything other than unconditional love and loyalty, yet look what I gave you - heartache and suffering.

I remember promising I would never leave you.

And when I broke that promise...I remember how hard both of us were crying.

I don't remember it going wrong and I don't think it did. It really is forever. I just needed to find a new way forward, a different way in
which I can love you.
Yet when I saw you this morning...I was agonized, as anyone would at seeing what pain they had inflicted. I was on the top deck of a bus and
I saw you wheeling your bicycle, wearing the fancy cycling glasses I bought you three years ago to say thank-you for re-fitting the kitchen.
You didn't see me. You looked like you had lost all the light in your eyes. Am I the villain in this? What kind of person would be so cruel?
And how could a loving God have watched such a tragic symphony be played? I could see the sadness cloaking you and I wanted to punch
someone, after all did I not once say I would die to protect you. But it was me who hurt you so badly, it was me who stared out the steel in
your eyes.

I took the silver lighter I bought you for your 29th birthday. It had your name engraved on one side and a message of love from me on the
other. I knew if I left it, you would throw it away as you so desperately try to wipe out all traces of my existence from your life.
Perhaps you are right and I should do the same. It doesn't seem right to mourn something that I killed myself. But secretly I do. Love like
that is never lost.

I know you want to save it. Can see by the way you look at me and the way you look when you are not with me. Can see the way you reach out to
touch me like you always did and then stop yourself with a sad smile.

I wonder who you told this morning - about what you dreamed last night. I wonder if the sun awoke you through the blinds and if the stripes of
sunlight bathed you. I wonder if you'll grow old alone or if someone else will find you.

All I will ever do now is remember and wonder from time to time all the time.

Postscript, added in 2008.

Now that I am back where I belong - with you, I love and appreciate you more than ever. Through sober eyes, I can make amends though I can never repay the extraordinary capacity you have to forgive.