Journal 15th Sept

15th

Sometimes you just have to get out of the house.
Which can lead you to do out of character things.
Not a bad rule to have.
At least once a week.

So I went Speed dating last night.
I lied about my age to go along. So did half the others. Not a good start when looking for a relationship, but to be frank, I was just looking to be able to talk to men without drying up, and didn't want to spend another night in tears over no email from green eyes.

So I went.
As an experiment.
And to get out of the house.

I left late, but was still first to arrive.
Shit.
I walked in, the only one in an empty night club apart from two bar staff and the organiser lady. The theme tune from the X Files was playing.
I laughed out loud and decided to just have fun.

Pretty soon the others arrived. 17 women and 17 men, then the bell rang and we had to sit at our numbered tables. Number One.
Not auspicious.

The men were doing the walking. Don't they always. Four minutes each and I didn't dry up once.
It was a goldmine. Met an actual nuclear physicist. He's helping to dismantle Dounreay as part of his PhD. I usually like geeks, they are full of fascinating facts and being socially gormless, I feel at home with them. But this guy wasn't geeky in a good way.
He wanted to be a teacher.
Enough said.
He was also a smoker and about twelve so I didn't 'check' him.

The two Liverpudlians who said they were Doctors, I didn't buy. If they were Doctors I'm Carly Simon.
But then I said I was 36 so who am I to talk.

A few of the men were very nervous and dried up. Kali was with me though and that didn't happen to me once. Coz I didn't fancy any of them, but more significantly, I didn't care what happened.

I'm in a sort of 'tourist in my own city' space just now. Like I'm just visiting so I can do things I'd not normally do, or that I'd normally cringe to do. Be embarrassed to do. I feel like an angel walking about. Like I'm not in this world. Not really. I walk along the street and see so many people, see in their faces, that they are hanging on by a thread. If they make eye contact, I smile. A big glowing full of light smile. They look surprised, but they smile back. Sometimes a halfway smile like their face has forgotten what to do next.
If I give money to those young men begging in a blanket, I look them in the eye and put it in their hands. They don't know what to do. More used to it being aimed, then thrown at the hat. No contact. I can't think of any words to say to them though.
Do they have a choice?
Did gardener once sit like this?

Several people have told me I'm glowing. I feel it. In the moment. It's all there is.

Had green eyes been Speed dating, it would have been a different story I'm sure. There was one sort of green eyes look-a-like. Not as sexy or dangerous looking though. He did outward-bound sports for corporate folks. He was about forty and dressed like a snow-boarder. Trainers and everything. You'd think that if you were seriously looking to date, you'd arrive semi-smart at least.
Or am I just showing my age?

Anyway, there was only one man I'd have dated, but I did three mercy checks as well so was well pissed off that none of them checked me. Although it doesn't mean that nobody did, just that none of that four did.
Next time I'll check everyone just to see my stats.
I did check a couple as 'friends', one of them checked me as the same.
One hit out of 17 and he wants to be mates.
Bloody cheek.
Have obviously got a far healthier self esteem than this time last year. Am pissed off on the one hand, but relieved on the other. I didn't actually want to do anything about it. Three minutes chat is the easy part.

The truth of it is, the men at the Speed dating were not looking for the same thing I was.
They wanted a 24-year-old they could get their leg over - preferably that evening.
I want a relationship with someone old enough to recognise the same music I do.
Speed dating ain't the place.
It's sticky floor disco without the noise.
It's fun to do just to know that you can though. If small talk is a stumbling block.

Top tips, don't ask what do you do unless you really want to know how boring it is to be a Mini Salesman. Ask 'What do you do in your spare time?' That opens the conversation up a lot more. Most importantly, try to actually be 24 when you do it.

So I didn't hang about afterwards. I went home giggling a bit and chuffed that I'd done it.
Humming X Files.

He wasn't there.
My Mulder.
I have such a strong feeling that he's not in Aberdeen at all.
But all is well.

Haiku are SO last season.