Journal 16th-18th Sept

16th-18th Sept

When asking the Universe for a man you can love unconditionally, who also loves you, ask for one who lives close by and mention that a monogamous sexual relationship is also a required part of the deal.

That sister brother soul mate thing, isn't exactly what you had in mind.
Although it's lovely too.
Thanks.
Obviously I'd like to keep him.
Even if it is like children with phones.

I met him on a course. No blinding flash of falling in love this time, but a gentle growing affection. Well that's not true. When the falling in love feeling happened, I did something different with it.
I didn't go to fear.

I was attracted to him immediately, in the kind of freaking out holy shit way I'd be attracted to a man who looks so like the gardener he could be his brother.
So like him I think I'm in some cosmic joke to wring my heart right out of my body for good.
So like him that when I finally do find my voice again, I mention Findhorn in our first conversations twice, looking for 'My brother lives there.'
He doesn't say it.
But he even sounds like him, same English accent, same sweet tenor voice.
He has his mannerisms.
His double.
Just not terrified.

He looks down on me instead.
I am so not his type.

He is the combination of both of them. Gardener and green eyes in one. Except his eyes are dark blue. So dark blue, they look brown from a distance. So like gardener I can't breathe in that first ten minutes milling about waiting for the course to start.
I feel like I've had a bump to the head and am disoriented wondering what just happened?
Not quite out of love with green eyes - I looked for his car in the car park hoping he'd be there, and now this.
What the fuck is going on?

I'm almost past questioning what the Universe brings me, am swimming. In a blind panic of splashing gulping doggy paddle, but swimming. Mostly.

Sometimes, however, in a Kali moment.
I just dive right in.

The minute I walked into the room I couldn't take my eyes off him, it was beyond bizarre. Then he walked right up to me and asked "Can I have a hug?

The magic words.
I nodded.
Struck dumb.
Feeling that I've stepped into some Tomorrow People time-warped falling in love dimension.

You WILL get this lesson.

They were all sociable and mingling, before the start of the course. I stood there like a slipper without it's partner. As this other slipper hugged around the room, always looking back at me. No wonder. I was staring so much. I'm not sure if my mouth was open or not.
I couldn't feel my face.

It's a course on love, sex and intimacy. Clothing optional. This is the second weekend in the series, part two. I met green eyes at part one.

Early Friday night, we were to select a 'buddy' to check in with, take care of each other and do some of the exercises with. Over the whole weekend
Gardener lookalike was next to me, so I asked him.

Jingle jingle.

"Would you like to buddy up with me?

He hesitated looking down his nose at me. So like gardener. That look. Considering it. Making me wait. I froze.

"Hhmm okay then.

I'm not allowed to say what happened, the course contents, the sharing or the exercises. I can talk about my experience though. How I stopped myself falling from love to fear, and got it right at last.
Sort of.

The Universe does have a wicked sense of humour. I've gotta give her that.

Difficult to write about it when you're not permitted to write about it. I can tell my shares though.

First off, I told him six weeks ago on Level 1 I fell head over heels in love with a man I met and I don't want that to happen again. I miss out that he looks like my sweet gardener, coz he doesn't like me and that would really piss him off. Plus it seems like a contradiction. Plus I don't want him to know I want to play at speaking to gardener look-a-likes coz that's my lesson.
What he doesn't know can't hurt him.
Maybe.

I am a charmer. When I want to be. Actually, that's bullshit. When I want to be, it's the last thing I can be.
It happens when I'm just me. When I'm not trying. When being charming is the last thing on my mind.
When I'm honest and vulnerable and my funny self.
That's when it happens.
Charm.
That look, of a man being drawn to me. Even when he wouldn't have chosen me himself. If I'm myself, and have some time. They love me. Whether they'd shag me or not is another issue. But they love me.

And he does. And I love him. Not in the freak out hearts and flowers way. In the way you see someone when you touch their naked body and they touch yours, and they share their hopes and fears with you, encouraged by the depth of your own honesty, fuelled by sense of humour and accepted by lots of hugs.

I see that I'm so not his type (probably Japanese or gamine types would do it for him) that he's really struggling with the fact that he cares for me so much by the end of the weekend.

Amazing what just accepting someone can accomplish.

He's my teacher too.

So I have my sweet man, my buddy, who loves me and I love him.
Unconditionally.

He lives in Exeter.
I'm in Aberdeen.
I can hear Her laughing from here.