Fresher's Week

Rules of engagement

First year students are almost invariably referred to as 'freshers' and
no, we don't know why. Ergo, the first week of the new academic year is
known as Fresher's Week. Imagine, if you will, a new-born antelope foal
on the plains of the Serengeti. Various perils face the unwary baby
antelope since it is unsure of itself or its surroundings and has not
yet discovered what to eat and what to run away from. Your survival
chances during that critical first week are about a tenth that of the
antelope's. No, we do not mean that you are likely to get chased down
and eaten by a cheetah: that was a metaphor. Pay attention at the back.
What we do mean is that there are a large number of nasty things that
can happen to you during Fresher's Week, some of them embarrassing,
some of them expensive, some of them both.

You CAN spot a fresher at a range of miles. Freshers have an
'immediately-identifiable' quality which you must lose. Stretching the
metaphor, it is as if our baby antelope somehow contrived to resemble a
small bush. Survival tip: Camouflage. Try, nay strain, not to look like
a fresher. The best way to do this is spill beer on your clothing and
do NOT tattoo your name, age, course and entrance exam results on your
forehead. Not being instantly recognisable as a fresher should spare
you the worst of the indignities on offer. If you are particularly
successful at this you may get mistaken for a returning third year back
from a year out, which can backfire horribly. So don't overdo it.

The trouble is, freshers are frequently regarded as fair game for any
number of small 'pranks' (atrocities) to be played by those who are not
freshers. Asking for directions from older students is a dead giveaway:
you will most likely be carefully and conscientiously directed to the
other end of campus or, in extreme cases, another town. If you have to
catch a train, they are not telling the truth. Solution: get a map of
the campus and surroundings - they're normally dished out by the hall
committee or equivalent - and only ask for directions if you can't find
it on the map. And get them to show you on the map as well. This saves
much embarrassment and a fortune in taxi fares.

Buy nothing!

During your first few days, avoid buying anything from other students.
It is common practice for bogus documentation to be bandied about by
elder students: things like shower tokens, pedal cycle parking permits
and so on. The only thing these items have in common is that they are
all utterly counterfeit and designed to separate you from your cash and
have a laugh at your expense. Sometimes the money raised will go to
charity via the Rag organisation or its equivalent, but sometimes it
won't. You will never successfully get your money back. Solution:
decline - politely - to purchase anything.

It may appear that students tend to be alcohol-fixated. This is because
they are. However, warnings are required at this point. Many new
students will be meeting alcohol in bulk for the first time, especially
at student bars' notoriously low prices. If you are new to alcohol FOR
GOD'S SAKE, TAKE IT EASY. And this applies doubly to all you lot who
think you're already hardened drinkers. You aren't, trust us. During
Fresher's Week there may be all sorts of organised events for you to go
to, with the aim of getting to know people and your surroundings. Take
part, but be careful. Drinking games like Fuzzy Duck are very good at
performing their designated task, i.e. to get you horrendously pissed
in as short a space of time as possible. Those of you who reckon it is
big and clever to drink heavily, remember that is smaller and slightly
less clever to spend the next few hours face down in the toilet, the
gutter, or the intensive care ward. You think I exaggerate? Mais non.
People have died from this sort of behaviour, so watch it.

Solution? There isn't one. Advice? Ease into it. Buy your own drinks,
to avoid being spiked. Don't mix your drinks massively or, my word,
you'll know about it in the morning. Make sure you know how to get back
to where you live from wherever you're drinking. Basically, try and be
a bit grown-up about it. The Authors would like to point out that they
are not being killjoys here. This is supposed to be a series of
articles of serious advice and not all advice is what you want to hear.
Trust me on this one.

'What part of 'No' don't you understand?

Freshers are also being targeted for something slightly different from
simple practical jokes, namely, sexual conquest, which presumably has
something to do with them being (theoretically) young and naive. I'm
willing to bet my Grandmother that every student publication prints a
Freshers' Guide packed with useful information on how not to catch
nasty diseases. They forget that said disease is on the outside of
twelve stone of alcohol-powered lust that cannot spell the word
'No.'

The most obvious target is the fresher female, mainly because males
tend to congregate in darkened corners of the bar and compare CD
collections, A-levels and acne. But if you are a fresher female, you
may be at risk. Before you know it you could be pinned to the wall by a
large, incoherent and almost certainly foul-smelling gentleman whose
sole aim is to taste what colour your underwear is. The best bet is not
to get into these situations in the first place, but not even welding
your knees together is foolproof because desperate third year Engineers
carry bolt cutters and/or oxy-acetylene gear.

The advice is common sense, really. There is safety in numbers: your
average inebriated pillock will have to be half dead before he reckons
he's cool enough to take on 38 of you. Try and stay sober: not always
as easy as it sounds. Try adding a match to your drink: if it catches
fire or explodes it was probably spiked with just a teensy bit of
vodka.

More seriously, don't walk home alone, even - especially! - if home is
only a hall of residence. Find out if your Union or similar runs any
form of night bus service which can take you safely to your door. If
they don't, hide a fiver in your sock so that at the end of the night
when you've drunk the rest of your money you can get a cab home.

This should help you survive your first couple of week's. Just remember
that if you feel lost, confused or terminally homesick, chances are
everybody else will too - you're all in the same boat here. You can
always call home to remind yourself that somebody loves you and you do
have mates.