Money

Probably the single most annoying thing about being a student is the
bloody money. There is no easy way round this, so I'll state it baldly:
Get used to being poor! The simple fact is, very few students can
actually afford to be students. If you are determined to be a student,
realise the fact that you will almost certainly be heavily in debt by
the end of your studies. I do not intend to scare you, but if you
reckon being a student simply involves sleeping until noon, going to a
couple of lectures, then drinking 25 pints until dawn, allow me to
rapidly disabuse you of the notion.

It would appear that the current government either has a rabid hatred
of students in general, or they are under the assumption that the only
people who should be students are those who can pay for the whole thing
from the outset, or have parents that can. If you are such an
individual, lucky you, ignore the rest of this chapter and for God's
sake don't flaunt it. Where that leaves the remaining 99 percent of us
is best described as up the proverbial creek without the paddle, in a
burning canoe, with our feet chained to an anvil. Surrounded by
piranhas. Hungry ones.

In some areas the grant barely covers the rent, let alone anything
else: in other areas it doesn't even cover that. Also, in their
infinite wisdom, the government removed the ability for students to
claim benefit over the summer vacation, which seems about as charitable
as giving someone anthrax for Christmas.

Let's deal with term time first. It is unpleasant, but you are going to
have to indulge in some fairly vicious budgeting and still be prepared
for it to come out in the red. Remember that the budget has to take
account of the whole year, not just the term time. It is better to
budget for survival and regard extra income as a bonus. If you're
living in hall, then at least things like food, light, heat and power
are taken care of. Halls can work out more expensive than living in a
house, but most places demand either a term's or a year's rent up
front. It makes a big dent in your money, but at least when you run out
of cash you can still stay alive. You won't have much of a social life,
but then you've only got to raise money for having fun, not to
eat.

Constantly refer to and re-do your budget

The key here is to be realistic without being extravagant. There is no
point in producing a budget for yourself which, although it stays in
the black, allows you ?3.60 for food, beer and entertainment a week,
because you simply will not stick to it. Draw up a realistic budget for
the week and try to adhere to it. You will feel much more virtuous if
you come in under budget one week. It may be - will probably be -
necessary for you to get some form of part-time work to fund yourself.
DO NOT include this income in your budget until you've actually got the
job: if it takes a couple of weeks to get one, you will then have a
couple of week's worth of budget overrun to pay off before you can
rejig your budget to take account of the new income. Popular jobs
include things like bar work, waitressing, supermarket shelf-stacking,
cleaning, pizza delivery and so on. Scour the local press for part-time
work classifieds. Your student union can usually point you in the
direction of some jobs and in many cases employ people as well as bar
staff, glass collectors and security staff. Sod your pride - this is
survival. Grin and get the job. You need the money.

If you have a marketable skill somewhat out of the ordinary, don't
hesitate to use it. It means that the pool of likely applicants has
been reduced from 'everybody else' to 'other people with the same skill
as me.' VDU operators can do data entry stuff in the evenings. People
with the relevant certificates can be lifeguards at the local swimming
pool. People with a good knowledge of the local geography and a car can
be part-time taxi drivers. If you've got it, flaunt it.

Moving on to vacation time, you now have more time on your hands. The
vast majority of students go home during the vacations, which takes the
financial strain off to a certain extent, but you will still probably
need to get a job. A part-time one similar to the term-time variety may
be enough. If you can get full-time employment for the vacation, take
it. You will be a lot less bored and much richer. Try and use the
vacations to build up some savings that you can use as a cushion for
the next term. If you have had a part-time job during the term, check
that it will still be waiting for you when you get back. If they won't
hold it for you, it may be worth staying where you are, especially if
you are living out of hall. If you were doing something hours-based
like bar work, try and get your hours increased to a point where it
pays a viable living wage. Otherwise, keep the night-time hours that
you had and try and get something 9 to 5 for the days.

Beware boredom - it's expensive. If you haven't got anything to do
during the vacations, it is very easy to spend a lot of your time in
the pub, snacking in front of the telly, renting videos, going to the
cinema - anything for something to do. All of these things cost money
and can play havoc with a carefully-designed budget because you don't
realise that you're doing it.

Banks and credit cards

A word about banks. They can be most helpful and indeed it is not great
business practice for them to allow you to run up a debt the size of a
Very Large Thing which you haven't got a hope of paying back. However,
you must remember that vital fact: banks are businesses and as such are
in the business of making money. Trust us, no matter how pleasant the
Student Advisor may seem, they have no qualms whatsoever about making
that money off you. Find a bank that you feel happy with: don't get
suckered by the free watches, calculators and so on that you get for
opening an account. Look for free overdraft facilities, student
financial advisors on hand (they do know what they're talking about,
and they've dealt with every possible financial cockup you can imagine)
and sympathetic managers. If you have an overdraft facility, use it,
but under no circumstances get caught in the trap of believing that the
overdraft limit is the new zero point for your finances. Going beyond
your overdraft limit does not mean you are overdrawn: it means that you
are more overdrawn than you should be and you will pay for it -
literally. Zero is zero and if your statements have 'overdrawn' written
on them then you owe people money and sooner rather than later they're
going to want to collect. Get into the habit of not being overdrawn at
all and life will be much sweeter. It's a mental thing: you have to
have an accurate mental picture of when you are broke and that point is
when your statement says ?0.00.

A good point to remember as you progress through your student career is
to beware of getting bitten in the financial bum in your final year.
During your first years, the bank may be quite happy to give you an
overdraft, since they know you've got a couple of year's worth of grant
to come. As a finalist, you may find that requests for more cash are
met with the unpleasant but not entirely unreasonable question 'Where's
the money coming from to pay it back?' If you've got an offer of a job
at the end of it all, get a letter proclaiming the fact: it can be
waved in the faces of bank managers, where it has a similar effect to a
crucifix on a vampire. (Any resemblance between bank managers and vile,
leech-like, bloodsucking undead creatures is entirely
intentional.)

Good financial practice is important and it takes working at. Pay
things promptly and remember how long it takes for cheques to clear.
Try and keep a record of what you spend. Keep your receipts and so on
in a folder somewhere - you never know when you might need them. Try
not to get into debt and if you borrow cash from someone pay it back
fast. That way, they'll be more inclined to lend you some more.
(Creditors are like buses: they all turn up at once.) The Author tends
to work in cash: get paid in it, pay bills with it and don't have an
account that can be overdrawn.

Cashpoint machines are dangerous: Always get a receipt from the
machine, even though it's tedious and they get everywhere: that way you
can work out what you've taken out, thereby preventing unpleasant
shocks when the statement arrives. Keep your weekly card limit as low
as feasibly possible: they normally run from Sunday to Sunday and it
can be quite an eye-opener when the machine won't give you anything on
Thursday and your card limit is a hundred quid.

One of the greatest threats to financial stability is the 'Cashback'
facility offered by some supermarkets. It is unutterably easy to get
twenty quid stuck on your food bill and then convince yourself that it
was spent on the food. Not so, sucker. Just Say No. A similar
experience can be had with almost any plastic card: it is easy to
convince yourself that you haven't actually spent anything, since all
you did was sign your name. Again, be very wary of what you do with
your plastic.

Credit cards are even more dangerous in inexperienced hands. ('Access'
actually stands for A Credit Card Encourages Silly Spending.) If you
are used to operating a credit card, well and good, but be careful.
They are useful for ordering stuff over the phone or for buying in
bulk, thus saving money. However, if you have one, generally speaking
leave it at home. Don't carry it with you, because impulse purchases
are killers. If you do buy something with your card, pay the bill
immediately - preferably before it arrives. Remember that credit
companies are also in the business of making money out of you and they
thrive on your tardiness. So don't give them the satisfaction. Again,
keep all your credit card receipts in a safe place - in several cases,
they are your proof of purchase and provide you with insurance details,
should they apply.

Finally, if you do get in financial difficulties with your bank, fer
Gawd's sake go and talk to them about it. It is no use cowering in your
room, too worried to tell the bank what's going on. If they don't know
what's happening they have got no choice but to keep racking up the
excess borrowing charges, making your actual debt go screaming off into
the realms of higher mathematics. Unauthorised borrowing is usually
charged for at the rate of several quid a day - so watch it.

Notes on cashpoints

Click. Whirrrr. Boop. Beep? Boop. Boop. Chomp, chomp, chomp. 'Your card
has been retained'.

Scientists have carried out detailed experiments which reveal that
these five words piss off more students every day than any other
sentence in history. Ten seconds ago you were cool, calm,
sophisticated. 'Hey, just leave the Porsche running, OK? Got to get
some folding green, won't be a second . . . ' All of a sudden you are
delegated right back to the ranks of the lowly, the scum-ridden, the
infested - the poor. You might have enough spare dosh to buy Australia
for a car park, but since the cut-price refugee from a scrap yard
facing you has just had an electronic haemorrhage and swallowed your
card you cannot get at it.

This is the really galling part - even if you've GOT the bloody money
in your account it might as well be in Angola. In fact, having money in
your account only draws attention to yourself. If you are flat busted
and overdrawn already then the blasted machine is happy to chuck fivers
at you until it's blue in the face. But if you've actually got it, oh
no, it's munchie time for your plastic and tough luck.

This is where the real embarrassment starts. While the devil-spawned
machine was breakfasting on your Servicecard, a queue will have
appeared behind you containing at least three pensioners. The bank will
be shut so you can't even storm in and demand your card back. And as
you turn away from the machine you will see that look in other people's
eyes - the machine has eaten your card because there's something wrong
with you. It's your fault. People will avoid touching you in case it's
contagious and the machine eats their card as well. The pensioners will
look at you disapprovingly - deep in their minds they have already
drawn their conclusions:

'Ooh look. It's eaten his card'. 'That's because he's got no money in
there'.

'Spent it all on drugs, hasn't he. Just look at him. Wasn't like that
in my day, of course . . .'

This whole speech is never spoken - it is transmitted directly into
your cortex using the kind of 'well I never' stare that pensioners must
spend hours a day practising. Any attempt to explain is doomed to
failure and can only make matters worse. 'I had to use it to break into
my house last night so it was probably a bit bent . . . ' Pathetic. The
old lady's mouth is the only part of her that doesn't say 'yeah,
right.'

So you'll slink away, feeling inferior because something which was
originally designed to be a microwave has snacked your card. How do
they decide whether or not to eat them, anyway? We have seen people use
cards which resemble beer mats after a rough Saturday night with
perfect success, whilst pristine 'one careful owner' type cards are
consumed as if by locusts. Malice, that's what. All of which does
nothing to alleviate the fact that you have no cash. Again, the Law of
Sod dictates that you really needed the money this time.

All in all it can be proven that cash points were invented by Satan -
prise one open, there's probably some little demon inside going 'Hee
hee, lunchtime . . .' - so we advise you to do what we do and keep your
money in your mattress.

General advice for not going broke - get a job

If you smoke, think - seriously - about quitting, because (a) you will
be healthier and (b) the price of a packet of fags is the difference
between eating and starving.

Try and cut down on your drinking. Drink less and drink cheaper things.
Try cooking lager instead of that ludicrously expensive imported muck -
it all does the same job and goes the same place in the end.

Avoid take-away food. It's damned expensive in the long run.

Get a job

Buy own-brand stuff from supermarkets. Cornflakes, milk, bread, orange
juice, toilet roll: all sorts of things have their own-brand
counterparts which are lots cheaper and not that much inferior.

If you live in a house, be rigorous about turning lights, heaters and
taps off when you don't need them. Immersion heaters in particular are
dead easy to leave switched on and my God they eat electricity. Turn
the heating down or off when the weather warms up.

On no account use fan heaters. They're worse than immersions. Get a
thicker duvet and a bobble hat. (Or a partner. They're warm, usually
and the exercise generates heat.)

Get a job

Try and avoid having to sell things, such as your stereo, telly, bike,
blood, sperm or kidneys.

In case of disaster, try and borrow money from your relatives or
friends, but make sure you pay it back.

Do not simply rack up an enormous credit card bill or overdraft.

Under no circumstances make use of loan sharks - their rates of
interest tend to be crippling and a lot of them have distinctly
antisocial gentlemen working for them who will be downright unpleasant
when it comes time to pay them back.

Get to the bank if you have any problems. Get a job. Get the
message?