Out of Africa

Out of Africa An Improbable Tail
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A few weeks ago there was a small stir of excitement in our
area, which briefly lit up the gloom of our northern Scottish
winter like the Northern Lights, which are quite visible to us
at this latitude. Apparently a man - a Marine, no less - had
walked, wearing nothing but a grin and a beard straight out
of Lord of the Rings, from the south of England into
Scotland, up past Loch Ness and the Highlands where I live,
and on to the very northernmost point, John O'Groats - in
winter. A Scottish winter, at that.

I'm not sure where his starting point was but he must have walked about
six hundred miles. Forest Gump would have been impressed. It was either
a very brave, or foolhardy course of action, depending on your point of
view but it certainly bought him his fifteen minutes of fame. There he
was on TV, being carefully filmed from the waist up, the way they used
to film Elvis Presley in the early days.

"Everyone", he said, "should be free to follow my example if they've a
mind to".
'Not even as a joke', thought the whole of Scotland, 'and even less in
winter'.

The police didn't see the funny side of it either. He was arrested five
or six times and spent several nights in prison cells, covered by a
blanket (the police's idea, not his). I remember scanning the local
papers for the headline 'Man arrested for palely loitering', but it
wasn't to be. I still think they missed one there.

He was certainly persistant. He finally arrived at his destination and
no, he didn't throw himself off a high point into the North Sea, which
some people thought (I won't say hoped) might be the logical end to his
journey. As far as I know he got dressed, took a train to his hometown
and quietly faded back into obscurity, leaving us with a memory, like
the Cheshire cat's grin.

All this was, I suppose, to make the point that he had the inalienable
right to freeze anytime he had a mind to. Well, point taken, but this
little saga set me thinking. Why have we never had our own coat, like
other animals? 'But we do', I hear you cry, 'and anyway I'm not an
animal'. Oh yes you most certainly are, Madam, and besides, I mean the
kind of coat you're born with.

Almost every animal, from a mouse to a moose has a coat. Ok, elephants
don't, and maybe hippos, but I suppose they have extra thick skin to
compensate. No, beyond dispute, we are the only animal that has to keep
warm by getting dressed every morning by the fire.
The reason we are coatless seems fairly obvious. Didn't we start out
under the hot sun of Africa, and so had no need of a natural coat?
Hmm... then how about gorillas, who share 98% of our genes? They're
pretty hairy, no question, so why didn't they shed their coat? You
don't see them prancing about in their bare skin?

Alright, let's try it from a different angle. Why did we move out of
Africa? I have a theory. Suppose the other animals started snickering
behind their paws as they watched us tottering around on our spindly
legs? Or maybe we just thought we detected a sardonic look or two. No,
really, I'm serious. Anybody who's ever played tag with a dog in the
garden knows how clumsy they think we are. Just watch as Bracken feints
to the left and then effortlessly switches direction in mid-stride as
Master sprawls into the rosepatch. And they're our friends.

We all know the human race is notoriously sensitive to criticism, and I
don't suppose the animal kingdom took us very seriously before we
equipped ourselves with guns, boots, Landrovers etc. Perhaps a few of
the more vulnerable and touchy families got together one day and
decided to head out for colder climes, where it would be possible to
dress up and hide their bony knees without feeling they were being
stared at.

I read somewhere that the whole population of northern Europeans could
be traced back to about five gene types (genotypes?). If I understand
this right it means that around five families were responsible for the
diversity of virtually the whole of Western culture from Boadicea
(Boudicca to Guardian readers) to George Bush. Nepotism on a grand
scale. So, bearing this true and staggering fact in mind, my theory
about our neurotic ancestors could account for a lot of things,
couldn't it?

What do you mean, 'In a pigs eye'? Don't you know people laughed at
Darwin when he brought out his theory, and they would certainly have
done the same to Einstein if they'd understood what he was talking
about? Anyway, if I'm right, my idea throws some light on seemingly
irrational activities like war, mud wrestling and round-the-world yacht
racing.

A large claim, you may say, but consider; those pioneer Europeans who
came trudging all the way from the plains of Africa (I seem to recall
reading in a book by H.G.Wells that they came from India, but I'll
think about that tomorrow); these hardy pioneers, like so many Pilgrim
Fathers searching for a new horizon, went to an awful lot of trouble
just to soothe their wounded dignity and avoid ridicule. (Remember?
They were laughed out of Africa? - try to keep up, it all fits).

Now, does any of this seem familiar? You betcha. It's the M.O. of just
about every politician you ever heard of. One imagined slight and you
have shoes banged on conference tables, and sanctions applied at the
very least, and at the worst - well, you know what I'm saying. And
there you have it. These are the same guys who led us out of swampy old
Africa in the year dot - give or take a couple of millennia.

Neat theory,eh? Better than the string theory. I wonder why nobody ever
thought of it before? It's a pity though, that it doesn't seem to have
any practical application. I mean, you couldn't gather up all our
leaders and put them back in the African veldt. Could you?

As for our friend the intrepid Marine, who trekked all the way up north
in his birthday suit - he's done Scotland; maybe he should try Africa
next.

James Collins
www.jamescollins.org
collinsdallasart@tiscali.co.uk