A Reflection

Well… I don’t usually do this kinda thing for fun. But I feel like I need to share something to you about what I learned during my three-days long retreat.

On the first day I went to the worship session, I had no idea what I was doing. I know for sure that I'm used to these things and woohoo here we are again in session! Yet what I felt just then was just emptiness, nothing more, nothing less. It is as if I came there for nothing, but to listen and jot down what Pastor Seth of the Harvest Missions Community Church are preaching to us. And well… it did came across my mind that I sang with nothing that I have in mind…
I don’t know if any of you other believers have ever felt this before, but...

I feel like I sang only for the sake of singing…
And not for Him.

It felt bad... because deep inside I'm supposed to be worshipping God and yet I feel nothing inside.

I'm so confused.

On the second day, it was one of my dearest friend's birthday. And that is too, when I learn to only rely on God and… although this is not a surprise for me anymore since I learned this about 7 months ago in a hard way. I really hope it brings some enlightenment to others as well, especially those who does not really have any close mates…. Probably like me… yes, I do have some friends, but for some reason I just don’t feel close to them. I find that really awkward.

And on the last day, I finally confessed to our group discussion supervisor (although almost crying because I just don’t feel… exactly comfy with telling everyone what I actually am, especially to my dear friend... I'm scared to tell her anything that I find profound, actually, because sometimes the truth from her just hurts that much) that I constantly feel… rebuked by God. Telling me to go back to Him, and depend on Him, in ANY kind of situation. Apparently, I just… spend too much time to myself.

I'm such a selfish person. Everything… and I mean EVERYTHING, I thought, belongs to me. Everything I can do on my own, God is there only when I really need Him. And honestly, I realized that it was wrong, but its just difficult to bring Him forth in anything I do. Probably… it is because I have not encounter much hardships and only have put my hopes on the circumstances, not on Him.

And um… for you who are in trouble finding yourself being good… or bad… let's just say anything that YOU do, is considered sinful. Although not always… because there are good things you can do by just like serving and loving others around you. "Love God by loving others" that’s what Pastor Seth repeatedly tell us during the whole retreat.

We're all sinners here. No one is purely innocent anymore. Even little infants, who were just born a day ago, even an hour, a minute or a second or milliseconds ago… have all fallen into sin. I know that this is uncomfortable to know, but… what I learned from Pastor Seth… was… we're all going to hell. Although the good news is, us believers, have the privilege to get to know God before we go to the depths of hell doom. The word "innocence" no longer exists in this world, whether you like it or not. The only person that I would grade as "innocent" is Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

So then , I went home with a lot of thought in my mind. Mostly dominated by "I should put my hopes in God and ask Him for help". And so I did… during the bus trip, I had this really hurting stomachache (probably because it's the first day of my cycle and I drank the stupid Pepsi… which I REALLY think is the main cause of all that). Now during the trip, I kept on asking him to help me survive the trip back home because, to tell you the truth… being ill around the hips for girls during their cycle is like being kicked in the nuts for guys. I think this is kind of stupid for you to understand, but believe me, as soon as I prayed for a resistance to the pain, I fell asleep and the pain went down a bit after I slept in a very… awkward position… (not in that kind, though… I have like my stomach stretched to make it feel better). And then I fell asleep again when I got to Pak Pitaya's room… I guess its just the way I receive the healing from Him to make it to my house…

Now… during the bus ride…
I made a promise to myself that I must put my hopes in God, to rely on Him, and to always trust him and not on anyone else… because He knew me better than anyone else, even myself.
I am really thankful that at least I make it to my house looking not too sick... but even from the simplest experience, you can always get something inspiring…

Thank you for bringing me back to You