Why Wal-Mart Will Destroy You

Focusing my eyes on a big red sign in front of me, I read the words off one by one as I stood gazing in awe... ‘Wun... Hung... Lowe...’ I muttered to myself, as a crowd of people fought to keep their places in the haphazard line that formed. ‘Wouldya look at that. I can’t believe they even have a Chinese restaurant here. They have everything! I wonder what else I can get here?’ I thought, as I looked around in disbelief at the huge scale of the building I now stood in the rough center of.

Dodging shopping carts pushed by people who seemed not to notice me, I didn’t mind the slight shoves and blows to the body I received as I walked from department to department of seemingly marked down items that I and so many others like me were plainly unable to resist. ‘Wow! Look at that,’ I thought. ‘I can even buy a car at Wal-Mart. This is great! I’ll surprise Mary with a new car and get all our shopping done before she wakes up. This must be Heaven,’ I said to myself, making my way through the droves of shoppers who crowded the path to the dealership as my unsuspecting wife slept through the bustle of Sunday morning shoppers.

Finally, having reached the culmination of my shopping experience, I grudgingly left the store and packed everything I’d bought that day into the waiting semi-truck I’d rented just to make the day, and my shopping experience that much more pleasant. The only thing I hadn’t counted on were all the many people who seemed to have had the same idea as me, and countless eighteen wheel trucks lined up in the parking lot just waiting their turn to be packed full of groceries; clothing; electronics and other such sundries enough to make any red-blooded American neighbor as red as a beet.

After an hour of waiting, it was at last my turn at the loading dock, and while three tired looking men quickly loaded up the treasures I’d purchased with several new lines of credit and a home equity loan, I took up my position on the passenger side of the truck and watched as the kindly driver attached my new car in tow. With only a mile to drive, I could almost see the look on my wife’s face as we passed the familiar landmarks I’d come to know so well, and when we turned the last corner that led to my street, the great feeling of anticipation filled the air, and soon our destination had arrived.

Running inside to gently wake her, I whispered sweet nothings into her ear and before I knew it, she was alert, rubbing her eyes and asking the time... “You better have a good excuse for this you jerk. Why the hell would you wake me up on a Sunday? Go on, spit it out. What is wrong with your brain? What time is it anyway?”

“It’s eleven o’clock pumpkin. Time to rise and shine. You don’t wanna miss the whole day now do you? Besides, I’ve got surprises for you I know you’re gonna love!”

“You didn’t get me that cheap whiskey again, that ‘Canadian Shlub’ stuff? My head still hurts from the last time I drank that swill.”

“Oh no my dove. These are great surprises, I promise. You won’t be let down,” I said, almost simultaneously as the Wal-Mart truck driver knocked three times on our modest front door.

“Who the hell is that?” asked Mary. “Don’t they know it’s Sunday? Tell’em ta get lost.”

“But honey,” I answered. “These are the surprises I was telling you about. You just sit there and I’ll show you what I bought. And don’t you worry about what I paid either. I’ve got it all worked out through a banker at Wal-Mart, and for a small loan commission he needed to get things moving, he let me take out what you call a HELOC, or a Home Equity Line Of Credit. Don’t worry, it’ll all work out.”

“You took out a second mortgage ta buy crap we don’t need at Wal-Mart? You’re crazier then I thought. Take it back. Take it all back.”

“But honey lamb, just look at what I got you,” I replied, opening the door as wide as its hinges would allow, so my adoring wife could get a good first look at the new Chevy Corvette the driver was just now detaching from its towing apparatus. “Whaddaya think?” I questioned. “Isn’t it the greatest! Just think how good you’ll look in it!”

“I’m thinking my mother was right,” replied my wife. “I never should’ve married you. You’re spending us into oblivion.”

“No I’m not,” I said evasively. “I’m merely getting you the things you deserve out of life. You only live once you know. I’m just trying to help. Here, look at this,” I remarked. “Take a gander,” I said, as I unfolded the papers I’d been trying my best to keep secret since I’d arrived home. “Look,” I continued. “Isn’t it cool!?”

“It’s a thirty year mortgage note,” replied Mary. “For what? Where? We have a home now don’t we?”

“Not for long, my sweet. I’m selling it,” I said, as the driver and his helpers pushed their way past us with the new eighty inch, giant screen t.v. I’d only just bought. “Wake up Mary,” I insisted. “Welcome to the new age of spending without guilt. Don’t be afraid to extend your credit lines a little. That’s what they’re there for... to use and enjoy.”

“I’m afraid to ask,” was all my wife could say after all that I’d explained, as the driver began bringing in some of the new furniture I’d picked out. “How in the world did we qualify for a loan? You’re wrecking our credit with all these purchases.”

“No I’m not. I’m building it up,” I explained. “We may not have the cash now, but we’re bound to in the future. Heck, didn’t you say you had a great aunt that was gonna leave you something? Besides, don’t worry about the new house loan. We got in on what they call an ARM. An Adjustable Rate Mortgage. Millions of people are doing it.”

“Sure, they suck you in with a low rate for the first three years an then they take your house when you can’t pay the balance or refinance. Didn’t you know that? We’ll be living on the street in a refrigerator box you idiot.”

“No we won’t my sweet. I don’t know why you underestimate me so. We’ll be making more money when the note comes due. The loan officer assured me. Besides, we’ve got a whole year to sit back and enjoy our new, low rate.”

“You mean the notes’ due in a year?”

“Sure. Why, what’s the harm?”

“Oh, nothing. You’re right. Say... where’d you put those twelve gauge shells for the shotgun?”

“In my desk drawer, why?”

“Let’s just call it ‘women’s intuition’, but I think I know how to solve our money problems.”

“What problems?”

“Never mind. Just sit down and relax in one a those new chairs you bought an I’ll be with you in a minute...”

“Is it a surprise! I love surprises. This is gonna be a blast!”

“You said it.”