A:Wednesday June 19th 2002

I'am suffering from a bit of writers block at the moment; so seeing
as I have been enjoying reading other people's diaries on abc - I
thought I would have a go at writing one too. I'am beginning to think
that writing something, even if it's utter rubbish, is better than
writing nothing at all, and I haven't written anything for ages, so
perhaps a diary might help me overcome this. I also hope it might help
me to understand myself better. I find sometimes that writing can make
my thoughts stand out clear on paper; rather than being like a flock of
birds flying aimlessly round my head, which can be hard to focus on at
times.

I stayed up way too late again last night. I meant to go to bed early,
but got caught out by Playstationland. It's this addictive compulsive
thing that happens to me once I start a game: I'am close to completing
a level, a stage or a mission, and I have to see it through to the end.
Each time I lose a life I always say the words: "Just one last go."
There's no such thing as one last go though, and I don't know why I say
it. I'am terrible, I spend way too much time playing videogames - when
I could be doing something else.

I was also feeling a bit paranoid last night from a spliff I had just
smoked. I think I must have put a bit too much ganja in it. So the
playstation was helping me lose those feelings of paranoia, by focusing
on something else. My thoughts can get really dark sometimes, and a bit
crippling. I'am not sure if it's the dope that makes me feel paranoid
or if it is the tobbaco that I roll with the spliffs. I have this
theory that smoking tobbaco, can make me feel a bit anxious and on
edge. So when I mix it with dope, it enhances the feelings of edginess
that I get from nicotine.. I could be wrong though.

I really want to quit smoking. Ever since I started smoking again, my
life and strength has gone right downhill. I've started my quit-smoking
campaign this week, and feel able to conquer it this time. I have cut
down to roughly three cigrettes a day, which is good I feel. I don't
have one in the morning any more, and I won't let myself smoke anything
till after 2 pm. Maybe as the weeks go by - I will increase that time,
till eventually I feel strong enough to go without tobbaco
altogether.

I'am on a comedown at the moment. Have been indulging in pills again. I
went to a rave party over the weekend. It was a free one, and an
allnighter. There have been quite a few free parties lately, which is
great. I am hoping that now the weather is warmer, there'll be some
outside open-air one's too: as they're my favourite. The club was
packed out though, and it got very hot and stuffy in there. I did about
two and a half pills; and had a good night. I've never had a bad time
doing pills, I like them more than any of the other drugs. Which scares
me a bit, cause they are just too good. They sort my head out loads.
It's like having a shot of life. Puts my mind and emotions back in the
place where I want them to be.

Still, I couldn't really settle in the club, because of the heat. I
drank lots of water, which isn't particularly a good thing to do, and
the club charged one pound eighty for a titchy bottle of water which
was lowsy I thought. There wasn't any proper taps in the toilets; just
an all in one hand washing facility, and the water that came from it
sprinkled and was hot and unfit to drink. It's disgusting really, the
managers of the club know that most of the people there are on 'e'. So
they try to make money out of selling water, cause they know they won't
make much money selling beer. The water from the taps in the toilets is
undrinkable, so people end up paying for water at the bar. I'am sure
it's against the law for them to do this. I'am sure there has to be a
free drinkable water source somewhere in the club - health and safety
and all that. Some nights when I've been there, the water has cost as
much as two pound a bottle and they are only small 500ml bottles as
well. It's disgusting.

Though nobody complains, because apart from the water issue, it's a
good venue for us to party really. They let you skin up and smoke draw,
without any hassle. You can relax easier in the chill-out rooms,
without having to worry about bouncers kicking you out, because of
spliffs. Other venues can be a lot stricter, and you can get your draw
confiscated and get kicked out of a club for smoking weed. So I guess
it'll be hard to find another venue as good as this. So everybody
tolerates the water issue. Nobody who goes there wants to lose the
venue really. Ravers are dead good people anyway, everybody passes
water around on the dancefloor, so everyone gets a drink. Nobody goes
without, mdma transforms us all into saints man. We all share.

Something about ecstasy changes the way you look at things. I can't
explain it too well at the moment, as I feel a bit sleepy, and a bit
spaced out. It seems to give you the ability to feel the people around
you on a deeper level. You can sense stuff about them you don't
normally sense, and they can sense stuff about you, is almost like
being telepathic; linked together, and everybody wants the best for
each other. You feel really sensitive to the music, to the lights, to
each other. It's not really a drug that makes you feel paranoid, like
dope and L.S.D can. It fills you with a deep sense of inner peace and
calm, as well as filling you with confident happy energy. It makes you
want to socialise and be around people; making you friendly. When your
on 'e' you want to make friends not enemies, and that's a really
positive thing. It brings out the best in people.

I often find I have a deep and sincere respect for others and for
myself when I'am on pills. And I notice that the way I look at women
changes as well. I just see this amazing beauty in women when I'am on
'e', and some kind of light in them; and it's not sexual attraction I
feel as such, but a deep spiritual attraction. Like my spirit is
dancing with theirs. And when I look into their eyes, and smile, and
they smile back, it's like some kind of pure respect flows between us;
and they dance with sensitivity and some kind of mysterious insight, a
deep inner soulful feeling, which I find really attractive. I feel like
I'am communicating with them on a different level. A purer level.

If you didn't know everyone was on drugs, you'd probably think you'd
walked in on some religous gathering, as people all around were dancing
and hugging, being nice to each other; talking intimately about life;
opening up to each other sharing their thoughts. Towards the end of the
night, things started to feel very trancy. About 6 am, everyone was on
the dancefloor for the last dance, and it felt like we were all
emotionally healed or something, full of good energy; like we'd all
gone through the night together and helped to lift up some ideal of
truth and love; and the dancing seemed more deeper and poetic. Like
we'd all explored something special together that we wanted to keep
with us. Everyone had well-meaning eyes and their smiles were wise
smiles, smiles that contained within them the one thing that binds us
all together as a community: love.

It was really strange emerging from the club, after walking the
'Passage De Terror' of people handing out flyers, to see that it was
broad daylight. I could hear the birds singing, and realised I'd been
awake all night. I find it's a pleasant shock when that happens and I
like it. I really enjoyed going round my friends house after the party
and having a chill-out, is one of my favourite parts of the night as
well. Talking about stuff I can't remember now, stuff nobody else
remembers.. I think it was something about going to Las Vegas. It was a
nice way to round off the evening anyway. And I ended up sleeping on my
friends floor, was great.

I can't explain all this too well. I'am probably not making much sense.
I find the feeling of empathy stays with me the next day when I wake
up. And I walk around really feel everything, and want the best for
people. I took my dog Ben for a long walk on the comedown, and chilled
with nature.
And I saw beauty in the simplest things, like a flower or a tree - it
really blissed me out. I felt so good about everything. so positive
about my life.

Though during the course of the week, the feeling seemed to wear off,
and I found irritatingly I got into an argument with someone I didn't
want to get into; and all that empathy seems like such a long time ago
now; but if I focus really hard, and try not to get into human
politics, if I go beyond the ego: I can still find that feeling
somewhere within.. and in that moment I try to love and forgive others.
Try to keep things on a pure level.

That's why I only do 'e' once a month now; as I'am scared of losing
that feeling because of over-indulgence. A month's break gives me time
to come down properly, and to try and incorporate those feelings of
empathy into my everyday existence somehow. It's not easy though, it's
like coming down off a mountain peak, into a thorny valley; or riding
on a speedboat, then crashing into a wall. Somedays it feels like a
struggle to feel empathy at all.

I guess the rave scene is here to stay for a long while yet. It's
become like my religion. I can't really see it dieing out. I reckon
I'll still be raving when I'am an old man. I think it's a cracking
scene, with a lot going on, and everybody can be part of it.. there's
no divisions; it doesn't matter what you look like, or where you're
from, everybody has a place; and well it's just so damn enjoyable, full
of good music, full of colour and life, good drugs, good people.. and
so many other good things as well.. that I can never adequetely explain
the experience in words, though I often try to.. it's like an oasis in
the desert of life. It's something that reminds me that life can
actually be very good sometimes. It kills the cynic in me.. feeds the
romance.

Lifts my spirit.

~-FS.2002-~