Who's John?

Now I don’t do this often
But before I move on
There’s a man here in spirit
Sorry madam – who’s John?
I’m being told John
And a connection with Paul…
If I said the name Dave
Would that make sense at all?

Maybe David?
Bavid?
Yes, all right.
Yes, I’ll tell her.
He’s saying he’s really surprised you don’t remember Bavid.
He’s showing me a gentlemen
With a couple of

Eyes and a very long, uh,
A very, very long, white
Chin
That curled up and back on itself
Rather like an elf’s shoe, madam
Who’s Bavid
With a chin like an elf’s shoe?

Could be Karen

Now I’m being shown a lady
I would say in her mid to late fifties
With two enormous ossified growths
I feel like they’re bursting from the rear portion
Of her cranial cavity
Out like this
Like a pair of majestic horns
Only they’re so heavy she’s can’t lift her head
Would you understand if I said
That before she passed over to spirit
This lady would stagger the streets
Bent double with the weight of her huge antlers
Bellowing like a wounded sow
While kids pelted her with old satsumas and sticks smeared in dog shit?
Okay, well madam she says
That earring you lost last week?
Check down the back of the sofa.
Not the big sofa, the little one.
You checked there before but you didn’t look hard enough.
She’s saying: ‘Look again love.’

Who’s Ivanovitch?
Who’s Norbert Schneider?

I’m being shown a fair-haired man
Naked
Hefting his thick, erect penis
Almost like a cosh

There’s a young girl
Playing bagpipes
As she’s forced at gunpoint
Through a carwash

I’m seeing six crayons
Some cheese at the circus
A nursery room papered with Socialist Workers
Was he into gymkhanas?
Did he live in an egg?
Could he trigger typhoons
With a switch on his leg?

Who’s Milli Vanilli?
What’s Home Alone 2?
Who’s stuck on the A534
Outside Crewe?
Who whistled in Dutch?
Were you recently shot?
What’s the cube root of pi?
Does stuff… happen a lot?

Would it really give solace
To talk to the dead
If your loved ones returned
Except all that they said
Was:
‘You have a photo.’
‘You’ve been quite sad.’
I mean, is Heaven so boring?
Is it really that bad?
What’s it all like?
Can you smoke?
Do you poo?
Do you still have to work?
What does everyone do?

Or is nobody there?
Are those people just… gone?
Will I disappear with them?
Who’s Tim Clare?
Who’s John?