Jazzi and Ellie

Jazzi,

Hey. It’s me. I mean, it’s Ellie. I don’t even know if you still use this email address anymore, so I’m not sure if you’ll get this or not. And actually, I’m not even really sure why I’m writing to you at the moment. I think it’s just that I miss you. I really do. It was different when you were here. It was better.

It’s just getting really messed up at the moment. There’s a girl who came here a few weeks ago, and she was just this feral, unkempt monster. I’m not being judgemental. Her hair was all rags – they cut it off, they made her sit there, they held her down like they’re not allowed to and cut it all off. She got free with one arm for long enough to try and scratch Barba’s eyes out. I thought she was going to whack her too. Then the next day she – this girl, she was called Mara – she went all rampage-happy and broke windows and pulled all the food out of the fridge and just tossed all around the floor, and then into the lounge. She poured yoghurt all over the couch. She wanted to get kicked out again, and I guess she got that. She’s gone. And I don’t know where you put a girl when she flunks out of Tully House. She’s too young for prison.

My point is, anyway, that that’s what it’s like at the moment. They dump a crazy on us. And there’s Alan who’s gone all mute again. And I nearly had a heart attack when I heard they might be sending fucking Darren back here. Can you say that in email? I guess you can. Do you go on a watch-list? Fucked if I know. Well, I’m on one now.

But things must be better for you, right? Where did she say she was taking you? To Scotland or something? Was that it? Or Norway. You going to see Europe anyway. It’s so weird isn’t it? That she’s your mum. Nobody who ends up in Tully House has a mum who’s well off. Nobody’s mum isn’t a druggie or a drunk or a hooker or something. It’s just weird that you came from that, but you still ended up where you did, and your mum and dad could still be so fucked up even though they had everything going for them, and you, how do you get to be so lucky and unlucky all at once?

Remember when they first brought you in here, and they introduced you as Jasmine? The face you made! And good on you! So, look, if I don’t get to say this to you in person, or we never meet again – it could happen, I mean I know you say it won’t, but things happen to people, and good intentions and all that, and so – I just wanted to say that I’m grateful to you. For the way you made friends with me, for one thing. I didn’t have any friends. I stayed out of the way as much as I could, because the others just saw me as a punching bag or a comedy show or whatever. I don’t know why. I don’t what makes me that girl, the one who draws all the mean to her like she’s a magnet. Just this shimmering aura of weakness, I guess. So, God only knows what made you want to be my friend, but I’m glad you did.

And I glad you stood up to Darren for me. I didn’t see that coming. I thought you’d just stand back and laugh and then adjust your impressions, realise that I was the outcast, and join the rest. Tully House is hell. When you’re not tough, when you don’t fit in with the kinds of kids get sent there. It’s hell. But you always somehow found a way to be safe, and liked, and listened to. I wanted to be you so much. And when you told Darren to back off, and you put your whole body into it, and looked him right in the eye. I thought he was going to deck you for sure, go hard out on you, I didn’t know he was going to back down. So thank you for that. And for Graham. I can’t believe you would even stand up for me to him.

He’s at it again, you know? There’s a new girl called Eileen, she’s been here a week, and he’s already sniffing her out. I think he must have been doing this for years and years. How old do you think he is? Almost forty? Maybe he’s been doing it for decades. I can already catch him getting up close to Eileen, sniffing her hair, letting his hand touch her back, just a bit, the way he does when he’s sizing you up, building up to what he thinks he can get away with. Grooming, I guess.

Well, I warned her what he was up to. And she said she knew. And she said there was nothing you could do about it. There’s men like that in all these homes-for-troubled-teens. We draw him like magnets. She said she already knew about that type, and there’s nothing you can do except to try and get the most out of it that you can. I almost said I’d defend her; I had the words in my mouth; but I’m not you, Jazzi, I wish I was tall and brave and pretty and competent like you are. I wish I could do and say all the things you can. I wish so many things. You can make yourself sick on wishing, can’t you? And it don’t get you anywhere.

Your mum seemed cool. I’m pretty sure it’s going to go all right for you two. I mean, I know she’s had her issues, her and your dad. I know how they were with you… but that was when he was still around. I do think she must have changed. I mean, I never knew her and all that, but she doesn’t seem like that psycho lady you described to me. Not now she’s shed that dead weight – you don’t mind if I call him that? They say you should never speak ill of the dead, but sometimes the dead really deserve it. I just hope you’re free and living this full life, and that you feel loved now, and safe and all that.

My mum’s not coming. Of course. I used to think she’d try to get me back. I figured she’d go to court, she’d fight the system, get herself fixed up, like. But the last I heard she’s just gone and sunk even further and deeper. Not having kids to look after just kinds of give her her freedom. I’m sure she cries and tells people how we were stole off her, but I think she really doesn’t want to have us back.

Never come back here, Jazzi. Come to visit, I guess, or for long enough to take me away from this shit. But don’t get sucked back into the system. It’s no way to live. I keep counting the days until I’m eighteen, and I can do what I want, and nobody can keep me where I don’t want to be anymore. I don’t even know what I’ll do when the day comes, I just know I’ll do it and I’ll never look back. Like you’re doing now. But look back, just a little bit, once or twice, so you don’t forget me, and what a team we were here. Three months: that’s how long we were friends. But we were still the best friends out there. I know we were.

Stay safe, Jazzi. And grow a pair of wings for both of us. Like butterfly wings. Big and bright so I can see you coming in the sky. I’m a little bit loopy, aren’t I?

Your friend,

No matter what, in the hardest times, and one hundred percent forever,

Ellie (not short for Elephant, so don’t go calling me that again).

Picture credit/discredit: author's own work