Not Tonight Thanks Honey, I've Got A Headache

Not Tonight Thanks Honey, I've Got A Headache By Rusty Haight

I like to fuck. Well, I used to anyway. It's not really my interest any
more. There's a pretty good reason for that, I'd say, and it's not that
I'm getting older or not eating enough iron. Let's just say it's
because of my wife. Here's how it happened ...
We'd been married, happily enough for about eighteen years and while I
still had an interest in sex, hers seemed to have fizzled out. I
understand that after a certain amount of time couples can become
somewhat ... accustomed to one another but I figure if you're tired of
being with your partner you can just close your eyes and think about
someone else. I liked to go at it at least once a day and most of the
time it seemed like she'd rather read a book. It was frustrating.
Well, one night I was lying awake, Marie, that's my wife's name, was
asleep and I know that she doesn't like to be disturbed but I was
really in the mood. Sometimes you just don't feel like jacking off and
I think I'm entitled once in awhile. She didn't think so. I shook her
awake.
"What? What is it?"
"Uh, I can't sleep."
"Take a Xanex."
"No, I just thought we could ... y'know..."
"My God, we just did it."
"That was three days ago."
"Yes, three days ago."
"Well that's my point. I need it a bit more often than that
sometimes."
"I'm sorry but what about what I need? Like a good night's
sleep."
"I know, honey, I know, it's just that once in awhile it would be
nice."
"Once in awhile?" Every night you're shaking me awake, whining for
sex."
"I don't whine."
"You do. That thing in your pants doesn't seem to know when to
quit."
"You used to like it."
"For God's sake, Harold, you act like it's the most important thing in
the world."
"It's near the top of the list."
"I don't want to have this conversation. " She rolled over.
"Listen," I told her, "I'm just telling you, don't blame me if I end
up having to go to a hooker."
This caused her to turn back around.
"Are you threatening me?"
"No, I'm not but I have needs that are not being met."
"Well fine," she snorted. "I think I see what has to be done."
"What?"
"You'll see soon enough. I'm going to sleep."
"Fine," I said "Go ahead."
"Good night Harold."
I thought I was being reasonable. Apparently not. So I jerked off. It
was ultimately un-satisfying. Then I went to sleep.
The next morning we woke up early. It was a Saturday but Marie likes
to get up early on Saturday. She was on the phone. I was
eavesdropping.
" &;#61628;. It was the Same thing again last night. I swear,
Janice, I haven't had a decent night's sleep in a month. Is this
normal?
... I know ... I know and sometimes I'm just not in the mood ... I
think I'm going to have to ... What's his name? ... Lowenstein? ... And
he does a good job? ... Well I don't think I have any other choice.
Okay, well goodbye."
"Who was that?" I asked.
"Just my aunt Sylvia. She's feeling awful after that angina
attack."
"Uh huh," I nodded. What was she hiding?
"You know, honey," said Marie in an altogether too sweet not to be
suspicious tone. "I was thinking we could go out this afternoon and
look at that new television set you've been after."
I'd been hinting after a new wide-screen TV. The one we had was
absolutely puny. The ball players looked like dots. Marie thought it
would be a waste of money. She wanted a new credenza, whatever that
was.
"TV? I thought you hated the idea."
"Well, I can change my mind can't I? I thought it might be nice for
when I watch the Y &; the R."
I had no idea what had made her change her tune. Maybe she felt bad
about denying me sex. I wasn't one to quibble over minor details.
"Alright," she said. "C'mon, I'll drive."
I usually drove. It was my car, but I didn't really care. We got in
and started off. She started to take a few turns that were unfamiliar
to me. We seemed to be going in the wrong direction.
"Um, hon, the store's back the other way. Where are we going?"
"I just have one quick stop to make first," she assured me. Wasn't
that always the way? There had to be a catch. I shrugged it off.
We drove up to a strange building in a part of town I didn't
recognize. It was a big, white building.
"This'll only be a moment." She took me by the hand.
"Where are we going?" I asked her.
"You'll see," she insisted.
It looked like a hospital. All kinds of people buzzed around in white
lab coats. Someone greeted us at the door.
"Mrs. Schultz?"
"Yes," said my wife.
"I'm doctor Lowenstein. And this must be Mr. Schultz."
"Yes, it is."
"I don't see what we're doing here, honey," I said. "What about my
TV?"
"Shut up, dear," snapped my wife.
A couple of big, male nurses appeared out of nowhere beside me.
"What's going on here?" I demanded.
"Don't worry," assured the good doctor.
One of the orderlies grabbed me.
"Hey, " I protested. "What's the idea?"
Before I knew it, one of them had rolled up my sleeve and stuck a
needle in my arm. Everything got fuzzy. The last thing I remember was
Doctor Lowenstein assuring Marie, "Don't worry, he won't feel a
thing."
When I woke up, I was at home, in bed. I felt a bit disoriented. How
had I gotten there? I looked down at my body. There was something
sticking to my stomach. I looked under my shirt. It was tape, a
bandage. It went all the way down to my groin. I pulled at it.
"Don't pick at your bandages!" yelled Marie. "They're not ready to
come off!"
"What's going on?' I asked. "Why am I bandaged? I thought we were
going to buy a television."
She grinned. "There's plenty of time for that, but I thought it would
be in the best interest of our marriage if I relieved you of
these."
She held up an old pickle jar, full of clear liquid. There was
something floating in it. I didn't recognize at first what it was. I
squinted. It looked like ... it was ... My balls! She'd had me
neutered! I recoiled in horror.
"What have you done to me?" I screamed.
"I thought it was for the best, Harold," she explained. "After all, I
need my sleep and I'll be damned if I'll sit by and let you see some
whore."
I didn't know what to think.
"I hope you aren't mad at me, Harold."
I thought it over.
"Well no, I guess not. I guess that's fine. It's fine with me." I
wasn't angry at all. I knew I probably should have been, but it just
wasn't in me anymore.
"Good," she said with a smile. "See, I even talked the doctor into
letting me keep them for you."
"Thank you, honey," I said. "You're so thoughtful."
"While you're laid up, would you like to look at these?" Marie pulled
out a big stack of porno mags that I obviously hadn't hidden as well as
I'd thought.
"Uh, no," I shrugged. "Not really. I'd rather just cuddle or maybe rub
your feet." She gave me a pat on the head.
"That's sweet honey, but later. Janice and I are on our way out. Come
on in, Janice."
Janice had been in the kitchen the entire time. In the past I hadn't
liked her much but at that moment I decided that might not have been
very fair of me.
"He seems to be doing fine, Janice," said my wife.
"Oh, yes," said Janice. "Dr. Lowenstein is a miracle worker. He did
wonders for my Herb. Before the surgery I couldn't trust him to keep
his paws off of the baby-sitter for even a second, now he's as gentle
as a lamb."
I smiled. I really felt okay about the whole thing.
Herb came into the room. He had a big smile on his face.
"How's it going, Harry?" he asked.
I grinned back. "Can't complain."
"Janice and I are going over to Miriam's," said Marie. "She has a new
pool-boy and apparently he is quite the little stud. You know, I need a
bit of a release myself once in awhile."
"Of course, honey," I said. "Have a nice time. Don't worry, I'll have
dinner ready and the dog walked when you get back. And I was thinking
of building that you spice rack you wanted.
"Oh, Wonderful," said Marie.
"Bye, bye," said Janice.
"Goodbye," I waved. Herb just grinned.
"That wife of mine," I thought. "What a sweet soul. Always with the
best in mind for me.
Herb and I sat for awhile.
"What's that?" he asked, pointing to the porno.
"A skin mag," I said. "Want to look at it?"
He shook his head. "Naw, let's go build that spice rack."
"Good idea," I said.
Well, our wives stayed out all night and missed the lovely dinner I
had prepared but that was alright. I was very understanding about the
whole thing. Herb and I finished our spice rack and it's a beaut. I've
been pitching in a lot more around the house lately. There's a lot to
be done, especially since Marie stays out a lot, usually with our new
pool boy or the gardener. I miss her sometimes but I want her to be
happy. I sure do love her a whole lot. I've found lots of ways to pass
the time. I work in the garden, I've made several birdhouses and Herb
and I play a lot of checkers.