GROWING UP

GROWING UP

I knew that I was grown up when I was nearly two.
My mummy fed me at the breast and cleared up all my pooh.
And every time I cried, she picked me up upon her knees,
As round my little finger, I twisted her with ease.
For I was in the driving seat - this selfish little pup.
That's how I knew, when I was two, I surely was grown up!

I wasn't quite as sure of it when I was nearly three;
I learned that there were others in the world as well as me!
Cor! What a shock - they kicked and screamed as I had done before
While Mummy, smiling sweetly, seemed to love them all the more
They took away my potty, and I had to use the loo,
But if I had an accident by heck the air was blue.
I couldn't reach the places that I needed to explore,
And those I could were always just beyond that big locked door.
I don't know why they locked it - I'd grown up a year ago
And another thing - do parents know another word but "No!"

I knew that I was losing ground next time the cake came out
Four little candles flickered - couldn't blow the buggers out!
And Mum produced this paper hat that covered both me eyes
Then belted me for spilling all me jelly down me thighs.
"You'll learn", said Mum - I didn't get the point of what she
said;
Let her try eatin' jelly with a blindfold on 'er head!
And Dad, how is it other men can reach the moon an' all that
like,
While you just watch the telly and refuse to mend me trike!

Now rising five, but falling fast in fear and trepidation,
I was taken off to primary school, to begin my education.
My heart was heavy, full of woe, as Mum kissed me goodbye,
And told me how grown-up I was - "Who, Me?", I said, "Not I".
For there, across the playground, Was 'Big Jim' from Number five,
He towered all of four foot tall - Would I get out alive?
He started in towards me, as this lady rang a bell
I'd seen boxing on the telly - so I turned and ran like Hell!
And everybody laughed, and every face was turned to me,
I wished I could grow DOWN again, and be just four or three!

Another five years pass and I've sussed it all with ease,
One kind teacher in one class has made this growing up a breeze.
My arithmetic is wonderful, my english is just great,
And as for Sonic Hedgehog - I can knock off Level eight!
I help the young ones find their pegs to put their coats upon,
In fact, I don't know how Miss Smith will manage when I'm gone!

But go I must, to secondary, for I'm a big boy now
It just don't seem that way to me - I miss Miss Smith, somehow
And in all this sea of faces, very few are ones I know
And nobody smiles and takes my hand when I'm not sure where to
go.
And sometimes I get bullied, and I'm frightened then to tell,
It isn't easy being me - growing up is Hell!
And yet in time I make new friends and find, to my surprise,
That all these so-called 'tough guys' are just 'babbies' in
disguise!
My Dad says, "Hold your corner, son - But don't get into
fights...
And always do just as you're told - but stand up for your
rights!"
I wish he'd make his mind up - and my Mum is just the same,
One minute she's so proud of me - the next it's me to blame!
"You're not a child anymore - Grow up!", my father said,
"And by the way, it's nine o'clock - time you were in bed!"
I wish that, for one moment, he would listen to himself;
If parents had a 'sell-by date', they'd have took him off the
shelf!

Now I've taken G.C.S.E. in P.E. and C.D.T.,
Not to mention R.S., I.S., I.T. and P.S.D;
My Mum says, "Oh that's nice, dear", in the way that mothers do,
When they try to show they're interested - but haven't got a
clue!
And tell me, Mum, how come, with all your learn?d education,
You find programming the video a major operation?

Exams are over now - I didn't do that great,
And I left school on Friday - for the last time passed that gate,
I was so looking forward to growing up a man,
But I wish that I was back there, 'cause I'm not sure that I can.
I thought it would be magic, breaking out and being free,
But growing up is not at all what it's cracked up to be!
I don't feel any different, and there's so much I don't know,
I find I need my Dad's advice - God, what a mortal blow!

The years have passed, and I've survived to fight another day,
I suppose that I'm a 'wrinkly' in the language of today.
I never made it famous, just an ordinary bloke,
I like a pint and football; I like to laugh and joke,
But growing-up's a funny thing - you spend your life to try,
And then, when you're as old as me, you sit and wonder why.
For you never really get there - at least, I never did,
And now I'm struggling for the answers I was so sure of as a kid.

For I surely knew, when I was two, how grown-up I'd become,
And if I could just remember,
I would tell you...
...how it's done!

Paul Styles