Session 8b - Temperament affects love and marriage Mel & Phelgm

SB: “And I’m thinking of Rapunzel’s kidnapper here, her ‘fake-mother’.”

Merlin: “Quite right, quite right. I don’t mind offending that one at all, terrible injustice there, just terrible. Yet, if we look at Rapunzel herself, I believe she may be a combination of Sanguine and Melancholy. Moody Melancholies are often referred to as the “dark” temperaments, and are genuinely the ‘richest’ of all four. They are analytical, self-sacrificing, gifted perfectionists with an extremely sensitive emotional nature. Of all the temperaments, they enjoy the arts the most. By nature they are introverted, and due to the predominance of feelings, very moody: from extrovertish to gloomy, depressed, withdrawn and antagonistic. They battle to make friends as they are suspicious of others, but once made, they are loyal, dependable and faithful, their perfectionist nature does not allow them to be otherwise. They possess an intensely strong desire to be loved by others. They often find their greatest meaning in life through great personal sacrifice. They are thorough and persistent and the most likely to accomplish great good with their high IQ’s, high level of creativity and capability to produce high-quality work. Melancholies pay attention to the details; they keep logs and work within their legalistic nature. They are excellent with budgets and balancing books. They are also naturals at growing things and natural at creating things too. Think of Beethoven, Van Gogh, Mozart and Wagner. Great mood creates great art, followed by severe depression.

For their strengths, you can say they are sensitive, creative and naturally gifted. Their standard of excellence usually exceeds any others. They will always want to analyse what was done and do better the next time. They are realistic and see the potential problems in any plan presented to them. They are faithful friends and would lay down their lives if required in their usual self-sacrificial manner. They prefer to be behind the scenes in the tasks of life and have a wonderful capacity to know their limitations and not take on more than they can handle and complete. On the flip-side, their weaknesses show them to be self-centred, which may lead to hypochondria. Constant self-examination paralyses their will and energy which can be harmful to them. This self-centredness can ruin their lives when compounded by their sensitive nature as they are easily insulted and/or offended. Melancholies carry their feelings on their sleeves. This follows on to reinforce their suspicious natures, that those hushed whispers are “about them”. If not observed, then this can lead to a persecution complex.

Melancholics are pessimistic. Their perfectionism and constant state of analysis sets them up for this. They see the end of a project, but also all the problems along the way that will have to be surmounted and the mental, and often magnified problems, outweigh the effort /end product in their minds. They have been ‘disappointed so many times’ that they doubt the end result will be as good as promised anyway. Sadly, Melancholies walk in self-pity with their pessimistic outlook that makes them fearful and indecisive. They don’t want to fall short of their high-standards or be the butt of other’s criticism. They are the most critical of all the temperaments with their unrealistic expectations. They’re also revengeful, if quiet and calm on the surface, the criticisms of others can create anger, hatred and/or animosity in their actions and they may harbour those grudges for years. It is an unforgiving, revengeful spirit that can outweigh their brilliant deductive ability and cause them to make prejudiced decisions.

If we look at the love and marriage context, these are your bachelors and spinsters. Many have ruined good marriages because their partners only matched up to about 92% of their expectations. Melancholies amplify and focus on the bad, not the good. The criticism, if not said, can be expressed through a haughty manner conveying that others do not meet their standards, and they are just as critical of themselves too. Thus, they have little joy in their lives. Melancholies in general battle to take the “fatal plunge” into marriage. Instead they ‘idealise’ from a distance, then, in relationship discover the other to have too many weaknesses. Often they truly love others, but will not enter wedlock, purely because of the other’s weaknesses. I quote Dr Hallesby: “A great many men are unmarried simply because they are Melancholic. They themselves may think that they are Melancholy because they are bachelors.” Yet they are bachelors, because they are melancholy. To quote LaHaye: “Many unmarried women will admit that they’ve had a number of marriage offers; it’s just that “Mr Perfect never came along”.”

SB: “Woah, ok, that’s totally Lime Green’s situation too. She’s been telling me why she doesn’t want to get married and it appears in this light like she’s a perfectionist and she could be the spinster who’s a spinster because she’s a melancholy.”

Merlin: “I haven’t met Lime Green, but your enthusiasm with regards to the idea seems to reflect that you get the Melancholy picture. The final temperament, if I may rush on, is Phlegmatic. LaHaye refers to Abraham from the Bible as being a phlegmatic character. Personally, I would place my new apprentice in this temperament or the court jester. I doubt either would read your research. So, let me give you the Phlegmatic rundown and then I really must dash off myself, I have a conference call with Melinda, the Good Witch, in an hour. I’ll probably have to use the hospital’s WiFi as I’m battling with the connection at home. I must get Snow White to get one of the dwarves in to sort that out.

Right, Funny Phlegmatic, maybe Dopey would partially fit into this one too, yes, I think so. We’re looking at a calm, cool, slow, easy-going, well-balanced temperament here. No matter what’s going on, Phlegmatic usually won’t react unless they hit boiling point, as their emotions are always kept under control. They are the consistent, unchanging type. They seldom lack friends as they have a naturally dry sense of humour that others enjoy, whilst Phlegmatic himself doesn’t even crack a smile. Their personal joy is to imitate and ridicule others. They are usually annoyed by the restless Sanguine, disgusted by the gloom of Melancholy and throw ice water on Choleric’s plans. They tend to be spectators of life and try not to get involved. They are seldom motivated beyond their daily routine. Yet, if aroused to action, the Phlegmatic can be seen as highly competent and efficient as ‘reluctant’ leaders. They are big on waiting, which means they may often wait their lives away and not go for their desires. They are natural peacemakers and have helped many others fulfill dreams, if not helped themselves achieve their own. They are perfect for activities that need daily routine and meticulous patience. Thus they are accurate bookkeepers and able to keep everything monetary precisely balanced.

As far as strengths are concerned, Phlegmatics are very witty and don’t get involved in other’s business. They seem to have an inborn sense of comic timing that works with their imaginations to make them great stand-up comics. They are dependable, in fact dependability-personified, whilst being cheerful and good-natured; they will always do what is expected of them. Their slow easy-going nature makes them fantastic listeners. They also have the ability to keep from identifying themselves in the person they are listening to, thus not taking on the speaker’s emotions or depressions, which makes them objective counsellors. They work very well under pressure where other temperaments might ‘crack’. They are also efficient, practical, neat and well organised. Funnily enough, Dopey’s cupboard really is the most organised and colour-coded of all the dwarves, now that I think about it.  It fits as Phlegmatics, although not perfectionists, have high standards with regards to precision and accuracy, they find this approach saves them time in the long run.

Then, lastly, their weaknesses. Even though they are likable by nature, they have a slow and lazy approach to everything, which is enhanced if they believe they are being stimulated to take action against their will. They are inclined to do as little as necessary. In being annoyed by the other temperaments the Phlegmatics are prone to tease those who annoy them or threaten to motivate them. They will use their ability to tease to get others angry and stirred up next to their calm. They also have a prominent selfishly stubborn streak. Their selfishness extends through the spheres of money, effort and sometimes emotions too. In another light, they can be seen as stingy. They are also indecisive. With their practical and analytical ability they can usually find a better way to do something, but it happens SLOWLY. The love-marriage challenge here is that even if they love someone, they rarely let the other person know it. They are opposed to work and marriage takes work. They prefer to conserve their energies for what they feel like. Their stubbornness gets worse with age, yet they will never stamp their feet, instead they will smile and graciously not do what has been asked. Even so, they do want to be people pleasers but second guess themselves into believing they will offend if they do or say anything, so they won’t, which suits them, because they don’t like ‘getting involved’.

In guiding a Phlegmatic youth, lessons in love, goodness, meekness, faith and motivational self-control are imperative.

Of course, as per LaHaye, many people are blends of temperaments, and through self-reflection one would be able to discover their personal blend. Even so, facing and applying these points objectively, even for one temperament is very difficult for many people as they don’t like to see the truth about themselves.

And that is it for me. Such a pleasure Miss Beauty. Great to finally meet you in person. All the best with the research, but I need to go and hook up with the Good Witch now. You keep well ... ”

SB: “Thanks Merlin, the pleasure was all mine. Always great to interact with a legend such as yourself. Thanks again. Oh, sorry, it appears I interrupted you before you finished with the Melancholies and I haven’t got an answer in my notes. Please would you let me know what is needed to train up a Melancholy youth?”

Merlin: “Oh dear, right. Melancholy youth… Work on exercises of love, learning to be joyful and thankful, finding peace, goodness, faith and self-control to get out of those depressions. Ciao dear. I must really dash now -”

SB: “Smiling Ciao!”

Adapted from the book “Spirit-Controlled Temperament” by Tim LaHaye