From Jester To King LIX
By Simon Barget
- 220 reads
§
[Plays jingle: RADIO JEST, RADIO JEST, RADIO JEST]
-So today being National Virus Commemoration Day we’d like to invite anyone who knew anyone to give us a call and let us have your story, let us know how it happened, let us know what you think that person might have been today had they survived. And we also have these lovely little lapel ribbons for each lucky caller.
-Hello John Magnolia from London!
-Hello Sally.
-Hello John! And what’s your virus story?
-Well I was living with an Italian girl who came back from Italy. She was very proud in the typical Italian way and insisted she didn’t have it initially, and then one day she came home crying and said work had sent her home because she was coughing all over the place, you know that hoarsey dry cough everyone kept getting and then they’d found out she’d actually just got back from Italy, and she was livid, calling them racists, mind you I was inclined to agree. Anyway I told her she had nothing to worry about that it would all blow over -- this was right at the beginning in 2020 well before the Pope and the Vatican all snuffed it -- and then I find her [ breaks into sobs] in her…I find her sweet innocent body in my spare room..[SOBS] three days later.
-And what do you think she would have been today?
-A beautiful radiant being, Sally.
-That’s very poignant, John and your lapel ribbon is on its way.
§
ADVERTISEMENT
Do you like virtue? Are you itching to signal it? Then sign up with Virtue Signallers and we’ll send you five Virtue Instances absolutely free so that you can let rip with your true untapped virtue potential today! Or how about putting on the first ‘like’ or ‘heart’ or ‘sad-face’ on an incipient post? You got it! We identify the Instances, we write the post and you post it! Whether it’s the dead and the dying, the mentally ill, people just diagnosed with cancer, the homeless, asylum-seekers, hurt or crippled animals, the transgender community, we have every single marginalised group of society you could possibly come up with waiting for your fresh holy virtue. Donate less than a fiver to a sponsored walker for muscular dystrophy so that you can leave a comment that’ll have at least twenty people thinking you’re Mother Theresa. Get unfettered access to Mumsnet! See how their husbands still don’t take the rubbish out. We have disenfranchised women all over the country who need your fake empathy! We have Facebook posts from people who’ve just won tournaments in side-line leisure activities waiting for you insincere congratulations. Things like backgammon and archery. Mark yourself safe from any trifling situation to your heart’s delight! Don’t worry that people won’t know you, that makes it all the more virtuous. And don’t forget that in every Instant your name will be broadcast to at least a hundred people, your virtue duly signalled. We have all the people fighting for all the right causes, you name it: diversity, climate, race-relations, veganism, the ones you simply can’t argue with. Get in on the party, get people to like you! For just £500 we’ll send you five free Virtue Instants. Fancy a heart-wrenching poem on the holocaust? You got it! Win the prevailing opinion of people in a Facebook group with our perfectly stilted pre-fab inaccessible, opaque language, which opinion would have been on your side anyway to start with. Never say anything controversial again! We have the right language to match the right Instant. So sign up now! Thousands of Instants awaiting your virtue. Never let another Instant go a-begging.
§
Now if you’re suffering from Mental Health issues then take comfort because next week is Mental Health Awareness Week. And we’re asking people all round the country to make that extra effort in their awareness -- which we’re sure is pretty aware to start with -- but people are you ready to go that extra mile(?), so if you have one thought an hour, go for two, if three, go for five. Now I must admit I have had a little look on Facebook just now and can see lots and lots of people going to great efforts in cutting and pasting one of those wonderful pieces of text people tend to share, you know the brave invocations which start with: ‘Only one percent of people will share this’ and then it goes on ‘for all the people out there suffering from low self-worth and eating disorders and even those just really angry that they’re not getting what they want and are still pissed off with their parents for not giving it to them well we’re thinking of you’, not only that but I can see that loads of people have put one of those mental health insets around their profile picture to make it absolutely clear that they stand with mental health. And just because the lines are actually a bit blurred and just because the main way of taking charge of your own mind-set is most likely by taking responsibility and not abdicating authority to some amorphous block which lumps everything into this absurd umbrella term ‘mental health’, well that certainly does not mean you should not take a moment to think about someone you know, hit that share button, and it could even be you, anyone who has suffered over the past year and if you are able to broadcast to a host of third parties in the process in order to show you fit in and that you are a very good and caring person then, because believe me everyone is doing it, well get your awareness fingers ready.
- Log in to post comments