From Jester To King XXXIV

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Of the form, of the Byzantine complexities of the form, wonderful to speculate, deadly to predict. Form taken to doctor’s this Wednesday. Of two parts, one for completion by doctor about eight pages no longer. Great holy doctor, to prove applicant healthy to designated third party. £80 charge. Such burden for great doctor, far too busy to waste time on a form. What with all form-filling and paperwork in progress, in existence. Staff gatekeeper to the doctor. Never approach w/o permission, permission denied. I’m happy to do it, well he might well have said it, not his business to say it. Of all trouble to doctor, not a tenth of the trouble to surgery staff. Surgery staff, whoever you are, wherever you keep, day in day out, teams reception and admin. Suzanne and Linda, manager/supervisor whatever your title, though you just answer the phones. Goodly patient-as-saints surgery staff bearing the brunt of the troublesome form. Thankless task of ingesting, taking on board along with all other manifold forms. #1, make clear TURNAROUND TIME. 9 weeks minimum, but may well be longer. I’m not saying it will necessarily take 45 weeks, but just have to warn you. Trying to keep everything smoothly. Thoughtless stupid ungracious form-people here with their forms their requests and still they don’t bloody listen. Phone constantly ringing, phone never stop ringing. Lifesavers. Lucky we touch it. We could well ignore you, see your face at reception but looking right through it. God-given right to be grouchy and boorish and surly, outright rude, pastmasters at turning it round on the patient. Don’t take your anger out on me. Trio behind the desk scowling, make you the pariah. Butter us up then, but don’t take kindly to it either. No sympathy with their endless forms, just have this, get that, could I just,…no you cant bloody well just. And quite right too. Never take no for an answer. The form, not to be taken lightly. Not nearly sufficient to know of the wiles of the form, its completion its progress its routing, its endpoint, critical to demonstrate an appreciation of its fudging. Critical to demonstrate to us you don’t really expect to be done. Show you know what we’re dealing with. #2, the owners of the form now becoming the surgery, title has passed. Form takes on new identity. Form even out of their hands. Form no longer a thing, a tangible thing. Form meat and potatoes going part way to explain why staff always so hefty. Few things known about the form passed down from generations. # 3 Form destroyed to fulfil requirement that form must be lost at least once. Form torn or shredded or covered in dog turd thrown into medical waste bin. No notification to applicant. All knowledge of form denied upon chasing, are you calling us liars, well you are calling us liars to be honest, the phrase applicant tricked into evoking. #4, second form time. Second form same as first, should have brought in when you said, process would have already been started. Second form into tray at the back by a pile of rubbish and letters. Although clearly marked for the attention of doctor no extraneous non-surgery envelopes allowed in the surgery. Form violently removed from envelope at the outset, derision. Who’s the form for now? Form left there to breathe to take in the air, needs time to develop. Patient’s further calls clogging up phone system. On hold for six minutes. Cut-off. Problem with phone system. The form? No, we don’t have it. Oh. Yes, we have your form thought you meant completed. How long? How can it even be asked, clearly told you turnaround time nine weeks. No right to call up after seven. In any case form’s location not to be disclosed that is if still has physical location. Form sometime disappears completely to reappear some days later. Save space in the surgery. What next? Yes, #5 the rectal insertion. Form subject to rectal insertion and going up into and dredged by small bowel of any staff member. Extracted washed, cleaned all unappreciated and unknown by patient. Lengths we go to. Form cannot be touched thereafter. Faecal contamination. Staff wearing masks, surgical masks merely to check on the form. Form literally turned around several times being checked for faeces. Not come remotely near doctor, and not for a good week. And when out in front doctor, doctor cannot complete until processed in system. Form not yet in system #6 enter in system. All the forms to enter on system, the name and the date of birth of applicant. All the info, what a chore. Form entered only then can complete. Great holy doctor not holy to them, told what to do.  #7, doctor completes in ten minutes just right from the records. Is the form therefore finished? Am I Margaret Thatcher? Form brought out and mixed with all sorts of other unrelated forms to give further opportunity to be lost. Only seven weeks passed. Now must get, #8, payment. £100 by debit card only, no credit card. Must come in and sign not over phone. Not £80? Always been £100. Says £80 on form. Has always been £100. And to tell you the truth even £100’s a bargain. Of course you can’t take it, not ready, and we send it on anyway. Form sent on to third party directly at any time, such time never disclosed to you. All done in twelve weeks. #9 Hello the form’s void didn’t you realise you needed a check-up first, must be resubmitted. #10 Go back to 1.