A thorough and comprehensive and exhaustive review of some of the most prominent social media platforms of the era

Facebook: 

Hi there. Would you mind stopping what you’re doing a second and spend a brief moment looking at me? Here I am; you can’t miss me. That is my actual real proper name with all my blurb on the same screen. Good, no? Unless I used a pointless sobriquet or shortened my surname to ‘P’ so I don’t get looked up by work. It’s all a bit childish Facebook, or is it? I’m just not  s-u-u-u-re. God I stopped and I started again so many times! But you get LIKES, I love likes!! Hey-ho. By the way, this is how things are in the world. I’ve just realised this one thing and it’s like an epiphany. I can’t believe I didn’t know what I’m just about to declare I didn’t know all this time in my post, suspecting and hoping that you didn’t know the thing either but realised it was SO obvious (you not me) when I point it out and you’ll think I’m observant but more importantly really dog-gone honest for admitting that I didn’t actually know until now.

This one’s a bit sad, so give up the hearts and the sads . 

So look, basically: I did this yesterday, here, at this place, with these people, my warm-hearted friends. I had such a good time with them, there and then. Cosy and nourishment. One big fluffy bunny. I am, no, we are love. Also Gloucester is amazing. Look at my children who are now almost old enough to have children themselves. >>Cue wise remark to head it all off with.<< Something rather pointed but yet still quite wholesome.

Twitter: 

1/2 What you need to know is that I'm a very measured, lucid and anlytical person and I'll blow you out the water with my phrase grenades. Behind all that my face isn’t much to sound off about. But I’m important and steely and I’m fucking great with my words. My cogent arguments. Yes, my face might well be a bit of a Trevor's. Bumble blah, blah, blah blah blah, pontificate, politicise. . 2/2 Also man, I’m kind of wacky and I find that if I do memes on here and shit they might just go viral.  Send me a DM. 3/2 Hey guys, I’m actually quite sad today and I am going to allow all the sadness right in and out and be shamelessly authentically and self-consciously vulnerable with it. So here’s a pic of me in my favourite pink slippers just being normal human and not going out all day, can I get a like, maybe a retweet for my dad who I just buried, and why the fuck not?

LinkedIn: 

[Clears throat] Yes. Hello there. I’m a stunted oick with a wedge up my arse. I am puffed up with the fart of my stupid waxed hair. My name is Barnes or Bartlett or Hugh Chambers. I sleep in suits under strip-lighting. I’m a very serious person and you should respect me and I will respect you too, maybe. Huff, huff huff. I mean I’m very motivated, and I’m ultra-ambitious, and all the things I profess to do are in the interests of our world and our climate and our choices and what I can do to help. I get things done. Huff. Dynamic. Dynamic. Huff. I’m not remotely interested in anything you do unless you’re far more important than me, which you’re not. Huff huff. I did all THIS [sets it out right in your face]. I am not lying or embellishing. By the way, can I say: I’m so honoured and humbled and gratified to have been appointed Head of Private/Public Procurement at Procura, having served at Canonize for all of five thousand years under the wonderful Mike Procter; it will be hard to move on to new pastures and challenges but shitloads more cash should help. P.S. here’s a dry technical exposition on work-flow-dynamics within small-to-mid-sized BRB businesses which I knocked off knowing you’ll only manage to read about half. Do you think I just flounce around in meetings all day, myrmidon?

YouTube:

I once wrote a comment and it got hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of likes. It felt so good that I changed my profile to a faceless, nameless thing with which I intended then to write loads more arch and mind-blowing comments such that no one would be able to click on my comment and see that I am actually Richard Fairbrother from Hull. What I’m chasing is akin to a once-in-a-lifetime experience of enlightenment that can never be reproduced. I just don’t know how it happened. And now when I write comments, I’m lucky if they don’t get deleted by the YouTuber in question let alone get liked or pinned.

Instagram: 

Oh my god. Babe. Yes. BAAABE. Mwah. But still measured and serene and somehow sedated. But also quite hard, perfectly fucking hard. You may lick the screen. I might now well be secretly wanking. Glamourpuss. So hot. That is really how I look in real life, all the time, in that five feet of freshly-lain snow. But who took the picture? Nobody, just me and the landscape, it takes itself. Babe I am gleaming. I am now actually wanking. I’m also so happy, in the most complete sense of the word. I have landed right onto nirvana which is really a place not a state. Oh really? Yes. Never will I move an inch from this spot. Good for you. But you won’t find it because it’s so ethereal. Shame. How do I know how to spell it, I copied it! I am this image for ever after. Oh my god, YESSS. I’m not actually going to come now am I….huh…might as well.