Swept Under: Prologue: draft (looking for feedback)
By Sir Loin
- 131 reads
Waves coiled and crashed against the surface of the water; the wind howled and volleyballs were being punted through the warm breeze and into the bright sand. Cameron sat silently against a cold, grass topped plateau of dirt which shaded him from the morning sun.
Alone with his thoughts, Cameron tried to reason with his racing mind. He didn’t interact with people all that much, so when he did, he'd play the situation over and over again in his head, picking apart every little thing. Every action and reaction, every vocal and physical cue in Cameron’s mind was a realm of infinite, negative possibilities.
‘Was I rude? Did I say the right thing?,’ He'd let his thoughts get the best of him.
Cameron watched the rest of the kids who were playing volleyball and swimming. The teacher stood back on the sand at an angle which allowed her to keep an eye on everyone, though if anything happened, she wouldn’t be able to reach anyone.
Two hours had passed since Cameron had sat, and the sun had crept overhead, pushing the plateau’s shadow back so that his feet were in the light. He stood up and took his first steps toward the beach.
The loud volleyballers laughed and called to each other. Their demeanour made Cameron tense his shoulders as he walked past. He didn’t want any of them to acknowledge him.
Just as his feet touched the wet sand of the shore, Cameron stopped. He noticed the water pull back quickly. A wave approached the beach, but unlike the others which had settled before hitting the shore, this one kept growing.
The wind accelerated. Howling past Cameron's ears, it silenced all the other sounds. The wave crashed down in front of Cameron, taking him off his feet. He fell back onto the sand.
As the wind slowed back down again, the sounds of laughter from the kids behind him didn’t return.
He could hear his teacher yelling to the lifeguard. “Trevor was taken by the wave!”
Cameron froze, the thought of someone drowning and dying made him lock up. He saw the lifeguard running along the shore, panicking as he searched the water for Trevor.
There was something sticking out of the wavy mess in front of Cameron. It was Trevor's arm flailing above the water's surface. Cameron’s head cleared. His arms and legs suddenly felt light as he was forced into action by his conscience; he dashed into the water towards Trevor. And the water ran away from him.
Cameron stopped for a second. looked up to see the water arching over his head. He took a deep breath and braced as a second wave came crashing down onto him.
Cameron squeezed his nose shut between his fingers as the water engulfed him and sent him tumbling back. He could no longer tell up from down. The water's pull changed directions as it drew him back towards the ocean. Tightending his body, he kept a solid structure as he was pulled around by the forces of the sea.
When the ocean’s grip loosened, Cameron spread his arms and legs. He felt himself level out until his back was facing the surface of the water. After adjusting himself with his arms so that he was upright, he kicked himself towards the surface.
Hope was taken from Cameron when he broke the surface and opened his eyes. The shore was further away than he had ever swam before. As his lungs relentlessly reaped all the air they could from the atmosphere around him, Cameron felt something grab his ankle from underneath, pulling him down.
Cameron fought the weight and kicked harder. He got his head above the surface but was pulled under again as the thing readjusted its grip, now wrapping itself around his waist. Cameron tried to push the thing off, but as he pushed against the thing, Cameron felt its shape with his hands. He stopped pushing when he recognised the shape as a person.
Cameron grabbed the person's arms and pulled them over his shoulders so that their heads were level with each other, above the water.
“Trevor, ca-an you he-ear me?” Cameron asked the boy on his back.
Trevor couldn’t articulate with the constant rush of air in and out of his mouth as he tried to catch his breath. “Uh-huh,” is all he could get out.
“Can you ki-ick?”
Trevor put his hand in front of Cameron's face and gave him a thumbs up.
“Ok, hold onto me.”
Together, they fought their way as close as they could towards the shore. They didn’t swim ten meters before Trevor loosened his hold on Cameron.
“Trevor, are you with me?” Cameron asked.
Trevor's arms slipped off Cameron one by one. After doing all that he could to try and get a hold of Trevor, Cameron could do nothing but feel him disappear under the murky water.
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Comments
A Compelling Prologue!
It really excels at escalating from calm to chaos. The sensory details (wind howling, waves crashing, etc) immerse the reader effectively. You can really feel the sense of isolation being developed here. I would lean into those vivid sensory items (the salty air, the wet sand). Perhaps add the frantic whistle from the lifeguard as he races along the beach.
Nonetheless, this prologue has an effective hook. It makes the reader want to turn the page and start Chapter One, which is the desired outcome of any prologue, I suppose. Nice work, I look forward to reading the rest of this tale!
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