Sky Ray Lolly

When my childhood ended I was eating a Sky Ray lolly. You remember,
the one in the shape of a rocket with three layers - orange at the
bottom, yellow in the middle and red at the top. I loosened the wrapper
by blowing down it from the stick end. The paper lifted away from the
ice with a gentle pop and I slide it off. Jamie, my eight-year-old
brother, had peeled the wrapper off his chocolate Feast in sticky
shreds without blowing. I had told him to blow but he didn't want to
believe that I might know a superior method.
'Bet I can do it faster like this' he said.
But I was quicker with my blowing. Jamie sat sulking at the edge of the
open air swimming pool in the small town where I grew up.

I sucked on my Sky Ray. All the sweetness and colour went out of the
ice and the red tip became bleached. The edge where I'd taken a small
bite bristled with pale pink splinters of frozen water. I pressed my
lips to it and sucked again, mouth burning with the cold of it.
'What's your joke?' I asked Jamie. He didn't answer.
'What's the joke on your stick?' I said. He turned his face away. I
looked at the downy blond hair on the back of his neck, lighter than
the tanned skin.
'OK,' I continued, 'mine's "What did the bicycle say to the banana?" No
reply. He was watching an older boy climb up the steps to the highest
of the three diving platforms. I looked too and realised that it was
Toby O'Connor. He was 17, a couple of years older than me. He went to
the boys' school. I went to the girls' school. Every year the two
schools put on a play together. Just a month before, Toby and I had
both been in The Tempest. He was Ariel. I was Ceres, goddess of the
harvest, a small speaking part. Actually, it was a singing part. I had
to deliver my lines pitch perfect, unaccompanied. I was able to do
things like that back then. Before the thing that happened that day at
the pool.

For his role as Ariel Toby had been covered in silver greasepaint from
head to toe. He must have worn something on top of the greasepaint but
I can't remember what. The silver on his face made his brown eyes look
peculiarly red and bloodshot. I can visualise him looking sideways at
me. Gleaming in a gloomy school corridor. After the last night of the
play there was a party at someone's house. Salt and vinegar crisps and
Liebfraumilch in paper cups. I bumped into Toby at the top of the
stairs as I was going to the loo. He put his hands out to stop me
passing, then held me by the shoulders and kissed me. His tongue jabbed
and twisted around the inside of my mouth with an amazing sinewy
firmness. It was a revelation. My full bladder added to the intensity
of an unfamiliar pulsing in my groin. Eventually he pulled away.
'You're too young,' he said, and went downstairs. When I came back from
the loo he was gone.

Now Toby was standing at the edge of the diving platform, looking down.
He stepped onto the board, took three quick steps to the end, bounced
with both feet together and flew up into the air, arms outstretched.
His pale body tensed against the cobalt sky, boyish still, slim and
bony but with subtle angles and shadows that suggested the muscles that
would soon fill out his smooth torso. He brought his hands together
above his head and tipped downwards towards the water, which he hit
with a splashy thud. A few seconds later I saw his dark head break the
surface and move towards the steps at the changing room side.

The swimming pool was right by a river. You can imagine it as a series
of steps. At the back, above the changing rooms was a stand for
spectators with seating of concrete blocks painted with shiny paint in
light blue. It was usually deserted. Below was the main pool. The
diving platforms were at the right-hand end if you were standing with
your back to the river. It was always a bit shady there. Big dark
trees, taller than the highest diving board. Around the pool was stone
paving. To the left, separated from the main pool by a low brick wall,
was the shallow children's pool. Whereas the main pool was deep
turquoise, more water than swimmers, the children's pool was all white
foam. Small figures bending, hands cupped, splashing water up in
never-ending arcs over laughing faces.

At the back of the children's pool, next to the changing rooms was a
kiosk selling ice lollies. It probably sold other things too, like cups
of tea and sandwiches, but I only remember the lollies. There was a
slatted wooden roof over tables and chairs. It was cool by the kiosk. I
felt the change of temperature underfoot when I went to buy my Sky Ray
and Jamie's Feast. I paid with the 50p change from the pound note my
mother had given me to pay for us to get into the pool. She hadn't
explicitly said we could buy ice lollies but I figured she probably
expected us to.

I was down to the yellow middle of my Sky Ray now. Jamie's mouth was
smeared with pale brown ice cream. Rectangular flakes of chocolate
broke from the sides of his Feast when he bit. He picked them off with
his fingers and put them on his tongue. I lay back on the concrete and
looked up at an aeroplane passing overhead. It was tiny and white with
a vapour trail behind it. The noise of the swimming pool washed over me
in echoey waves of shrieks and shouts and the smack of bodies hitting
water. All undercut with the constant drone of traffic from the dual
carriageway that crossed the river right next to the pool. There were
steps leading down from the poolside to a grass area on the river's
bank. A transistor radio was playing 'When I feel love?'.

The moisture from my wet swimming costume had formed a warm pool under
the small of my back and the concrete felt surprisingly comfortable. I
turned my head towards where Jamie had been sitting. He was gone. I sat
up and looked around. The lolly dripped onto my fingers. I turned it to
suck the melting liquid from the bottom. When I looked up again I
caught sight of Jamie, jumping up and down in the shallow end of the
main pool. He wasn't tall enough to stand up properly so his head kept
disappearing under the water. Then he would jump again and shoot
upwards like a jack-in-the-box head tossing to one side, spray whipping
off his hair. I lay back down.

Suddenly there was a shadow over my face and chloriney drips hit my
forehead. I squinted up and saw Toby standing there. He was wearing red
swim-shorts with a white stripe down each side. His dark hair flopped
wetly into his eyes. It was a length that in those days was considered
short but which now would seem longish. He had full pale lips like
moulded wax with a faint line of dark hair above them.
'Alright Liz?' said Toby.
'Yeah.'
'You got the time?'
I took my watch out of my grey canvas bag and looked at it.
'Ten past three.'
'Thanks.' He hesitated. I sat up. The Sky Ray was dripping again.
Sticky orange. I licked my fingers and started nibbling at the base of
the lolly. I wished I'd worn a bikini instead of my plain black
swimming costume. Toby sat down, legs straight out in front of him,
leaning back with hands behind and to the side of his buttocks.
'I saw you dive,' I said.
'Oh, right, yeah.' He looked slightly embarrassed.
'I can only dive from the lowest board,' I said. 'I tried the middle
one once and it really hurt my arms. They bent back like?well? I guess
I didn't do it right.'
'Yeah, you've got to keep them really firm and straight. Get the angle
right too.' He looked at me, wet lashes clumped round amber eyes. My
entrails quivered. He lay down and folded his arms across his face. The
Sky Ray was now at a critical point where there was so little left on
the stick that it was liable to break into two halves. I took the top
half into my mouth, then swiftly turned the stick so the bottom half
didn't drop off. I sat crunching the large piece of fruit-flavoured ice
and glanced at Toby. His arms were by his side now, eyes closed. With
the final piece of the lolly in my mouth I lay down, pressing it
between tongue and palate. My right hand was within about an inch of
Toby's. I could sense the warmth of his fingers. The noise of the pool
cut in and out. I fell asleep.

When I woke up it was quarter to four. Long shadows from the trees
behind the diving boards were creeping across the poolside towards us.
Most people had moved to cram into the sun at the shallow end. I had
slept with my head rolled to one side and my neck ached. I rubbed it as
I looked towards where I had last seen Jamie. No sign of him. I looked
down onto the grass. He wasn't there either. I stood up and walked
across slippy-gritty paving slabs towards the children's pool. But all
the children in there were younger and smaller than Jamie. Perhaps he'd
gone to get changed? But I didn't want to go into the men's changing
room. I went back to where Toby was still lying, half-covered in
dappled shade.
'Toby.'
'Mmmm.'
'I can't find my little brother.'
'Mmmm.'
'I've looked everywhere except the changing rooms. I wondered if you
could, you know, just check if he's in there.' I felt a bit annoyed
with Jamie for disappearing but was secretly pleased to have an excuse
to ask Toby to help me look for him.
'OK'. He yawned. 'Don't worry, we'll find him. What's his name?'
'Jamie.'
'How old is he?'
'Eight. He's got blond hair and blue trunks.'

I grabbed my bag and followed Toby as he picked his way over the
prostrate bodies of sun-bathers. I waited outside the changing rooms
when he went in. After a minute or two he came out again.
'No sign of him. Do you wanna come and see if his stuff's still there?
There's nobody in here.'
I stepped cautiously through the shallow foot-wash pool. There was a
sharp smell of urine as I passed the toilets. I looked around for
Jamie's bag. People weren't so security-conscious back then. Most just
left their bags hanging on the wall hooks. Jamie's was there. It was
made of orange plastic with a woven texture. There was a black outline
of a swimmer - head and raised arm breaking the wavy line that
represented the water. I knew it was his because his name was on it:
Jamie Farrell.
'That's his bag' I said.
'Well, he must be around somewhere. How about up on the stand?'
We went outside and climbed the steps. Jamie wasn't there but it gave
us a good view of both pools. I stood holding the dull metal railing
and systematically swept my gaze from the deep end of the big pool to
the far side of the children's pool. From above the wooden slats of the
roof by the kiosk had turned pale grey in the sun. I could see through
the gaps to the people sitting beneath. Jamie wasn't there. The shade
of the trees was two-thirds over the main pool now. I stood by the
railing longer than necessary, enjoying having Toby next to me, though
I was starting to feel anxious about Jamie. As I turned to go back down
my shoulder brushed Toby's upper arm. It felt warm and smooth.

When we reached the bottom of the steps Toby shuffled awkwardly
sideways and into the changing room.
'Er Liz, I gotta go. Sorry. You'll find him. See you round.' The most
vivid image I have of Toby from that day is of him turning and smiling
in the white-tiled entrance to the changing room, surrounded by pale
golden light coming through windows behind him. I smiled back. It was a
long time before I saw him again.

They found Jamie's body two days later, down by the weir. I can't
recall much of the detail from that 48 hours of waiting with my
parents. Just a general impression of oppressive heat and of nerves
being pulled and pulled until the tension was unbearable. It was when
two police officers came to tell us the body had been found that I lost
my voice. They stood large in our living room, the brightness of their
white shirts and the crackling of their radios filling the small
domestic space with brutality. They said that he'd probably slipped out
of the pool through a gap in the fence by the grass and then somehow
got into the river. The currents can be treacherous, especially just
there under the bridge of the dual carriageway. There are whirlpools
and jagged bits of old car and washing machine down in the depths. I
wanted to defend myself, to say that I'd only taken my eye off him for
a minute, but I couldn't get the words out. They said the time of death
was between three and three thirty. As I was eating my Sky Ray
lolly.