Darkness and Despair

“Well, there’s always dissolution of the adoption.”

I sucked in my breath and closed my eyes.  Exhaling quickly, I vigorously shook my head no. No. He’s my son now.  Forever.

“I know that no one wants that,” she soothed me, “but I just want to put it out there. Sometimes the parents are afraid to say it. Sometimes it feels better to know that it is an option, and that trapped feeling can dissipate a little.”

I opened my mouth to respond and realized I had no words. I sat back on the sofa, the leather cooling my shoulders  and neck. Breathing slowly for awhile, I thought about her words. The therapist waited patiently for me to digest what she had offered up. A life preserver for a drowning person. Secure your own mask first before helping others.

“No. I’m not there yet,” I insisted, resolve flooding my body. I can do this. I can help him. I refuse to be yet another woman to let him down. Yet another mother to abandon him. Yet another person to show him that he isn’t worth it. No. I will make it through this for my son.

“What if I am?” my husband interjected softly. He’d been quiet for the entire session, occasionally nodding in agreement or sighing with frustration. I looked in his eyes and I saw it. He finally let me see the depth of his hurt, guilt, and confusion. He let me feel all of it before it was too much for both of us.

“Oh, God,” I whispered as I curled myself up into a ball and cried. There’s no turning back. He finally gave voice to that hideous feeling that was overtaking him. The seeds of fear and hopelessness he’d kept tramping down inside for so long had grown strong. It was like a shoot had broken through the surface of the soil, rapidly unfurling its leaves, searching for sunlight after breaking out of the darkness. Seeking food. Life.

I kept my eyes closed and let the grief wash over me, sobbing violently. When I finally composed myself enough to open my eyes, I blinked and squinted in the light, searching for my husband. He was gone. I closed my eyes again, racing back to the safety of the darkness.