Dear Lord

I feel my life being sucked out of me by hatred.

I thought I purged myself of hatred through me but more and more comes.

Nothing is ever purged

and the more fear and pity are purged,

the less emotions I find that I have.

 

Let me not hate mankind

because it is contradictory, hypocritical, and so stupid...

let me realize my imperfections

and work on them

and not destroy myself, hating.

Let me work hard and give the firstfruits to you,

find the happiness of good self-esteem

in providing for the family.

 

Let me not despise lust and then find women

surrounded by a halo of Eros

and despise them. Help me

deal with my sense of entitlement and superiority over others,

things I usually accuse white people of having.

 

Build me up with a sense of Vision, plant

thy will inside of me,

destroy all that is evil in me and fill it with goodness...

let me be a person of courage, conviction, honesty, integrity, and worth.

 

Lord, I am evil and as much as I hate the alpha male,

I seek to be the next alpha male, the yellow alpha male,

who am I to judge?

when so much evil and chaos are within me?

when I hate sin, I find sin more attractive, more pleasurable?

 

I disgust myself and go on.

Help me to reestablish my relationship with you

my covenant,

to deeply love you

and for you to talk to me and answer my questions like you used to,

and to love my wife

which I do but in a lazy way.

 

Help me go on knowing that whatever good I do

will often be undone, that often you have to play the Devil

to get God's will done,

help me not to find renewal through scapegoating

but through finding hope in a new world,

finding hope in those who provide microloans to Africa,

finding hope in those who do long-term missions to countries,

finding hope in those who provide a free-market of ideas

instead of stonewalling,

finding hope in the gems of the sky

who drop inspirations into the most depressed minds.

 

Let me not say I cannot

because

the world is evil?

I can

and let me not reside in depression and in blanket

because the world has won

whether it has actually won or not,

but let me rejoice in my sadness,

find strength in my despair,

love in my hatred.

I am gratiful to you Lord for all your kindness

everly gratiful,

thank you Lord.