Rick's diary

Friday 28th May 2004.

Rick's Diary.

I hope it does not hurt too much, will post back your key as soon as I
get chance, keep it safe.
Chapter 2 says it all I hope, read on ??
Rick xx

OK Sue Simpson, you started writing this love story and put in a full
stop after re-visiting Forton . You thought you had finished writing
the book but that was only chapter one, chapter two is (Ricks) tale,
was going to ask if you wanted me to keep it to myself for fear of hurt
but no you have to read on as we are nowhere near the end of the book,
too many unanswered questions too many doubts in the eyes of the reader
so give me a short while to write chapter two, I don't want to miss
anything out and certainly do not want to leave the book unfinished, I
have compiled most of it in my mind so don't give up on the story yet,
chapter two may just have some unexpected surprises.

Chapter 2

2003 was the worst year in my life, I had found out at the beginning of
the year that not only did my wife not have feelings for me but she was
in love with someone else, I loved her so very much and humiliated
myself every day trying to rescue the marriage and save my
family.
Viv was so switched off to me that she could not talk about it at all
and for me that made things worse, I made a really special effort for
Christmas 2003 and by new years eve I was totally emotionally drained
but I knew that things could not go on as they were, I knew that I had
tried my best and had nothing to reproach myself for so I gave Viv an
ultimatum and she did nothing, I think she wanted me to call the final
shots which I did and she went, I still loved her and wanted her back,
I had to do something to take my mind off her so I joined DatetheUK
.
Fresh hope in my heart, made many new friends but no one really clicked
until one day I met you, or should I say a collection or words written
by you, you are so clever with words and they were the ones I wanted to
hear, you felt like someone I could really open up to, but caution was
my watchword, as I knew how clever you are with words that maybe you
knew that and what to put to make me want to be with you, well gullible
me fell for it and now looking back I was wrong, it was genuine, but
that is how I felt at the time and played along , it was fun in one
sense and yes a part of me did think?maybe just maybe.
We met at Forton, that night will be with me for the rest of my life, I
knew your size and I don't know what I was expecting, did not think
that night would amount to anything before arriving, it was just
something exciting to do, I knew if your words were genuine that you
were beautiful on the inside, and then when we met I did not see a fat
person (sorry I am telling this how it was) I saw what was on the
inside and the outside did not all of a sudden matter, you really did
not appear large to me, and when we sat in the car and you gave me that
look, I melted, you do know that.
You saw that film, and that is how I saw you and still do.
Well after that I knew my feelings for you were getting stronger and
when you told me you loved me, I felt the same but wanted to wait till
the right moment to tell you, I actually said it on a reflex reaction
on the phone and really kicked myself for that but meant it never the
less.
The hardest part was cramming everything in to the little time we had
together, I was neglecting things at home, was feeling guilty for not
being with my kids, knew I had to get my life sorted as to splitting
things and finances, I had not a clue, that's not like me I am usually
on top of everything, like always you read me like a book and sent me
the golf ball story, I just was not sure of my golf balls.
To start with Viv was on my mind, thoughts of what if I am wrong etc
went through my head, again you knew this. I had and have moved on from
then, Viv is total history on the emotions stake and I knew that you
would have never treated me like that.
With doing so much driving for the normal course of events then the
additional driving to see you I had so little time for things at home,
I wanted to be there for Billy have Kay over more often and in a way
show that even without Viv being here the home was still their home and
give them some security to hold onto, I was also getting tired, not
functioning or thinking properly and that sounds very weak considering
the amount of sleep you were missing out on but it was affecting
me.
I did enjoy my weekend in Amsterdam and was not looking forward to it,
right up to getting to the airport, but I paid the price by having to
catch up on things and again getting tired, so when you mentioned
holidays with you and Marty, I so much wanted that but felt I was
selling out on my kids and it hurt , I felt so split, and then I knew I
was hurting you with my lack of commitment, I knew you felt like I was
pushing you away, I felt like you were rushing things, I understood why
and I would normally have been the one to do that but the timing was
lousy and its all my fault, I should have got myself sorted out before
looking for someone, there again then I would not have met you (catch
22 eh) .
When you said it was over I did not argue because of many things, one
was I had humiliated myself enough with Viv and was not going to try
and be where I was not wanted again, another was that it was a chance
to get my life and affairs back in order, make things up to the kids, I
was tired and needed rest, and I did not want to hurt you
anymore.
When I found out you had gone to Forton it was too late to join you and
the thought of you in OUR place on your own hurt so very much and now
just thinking about it I am full of tears, I should have rang you and
have not a clue why I did not I just could not think straight, it was
22:00 and I just went to the pub had a few drinks got a packet of
Richmond king size and smoked them in front of the PC reading your
words(yes inside) it somehow made me feel closer to you.
You did not fu*/. (mess) things up it was me and yes I do love you and
am in love with you but have been here before and look what happened to
my life.
I am not asking you to wait for me but have an idea, you always wanted
a date in the future to aim at, I am going to give you one, Friday
November 26th 2004, 22:00, you know where, I will be there and buy two
coffee's, wait 10 minutes and then if one is not drunk I will say
goodbye and leave very fond memories of a very special lady.
In the mean time I think we should keep contact to a minimum if at all
but I want to know immediately of any major incidents, I want you to
carry on and do what you were going to, keep looking for that special
someone, sleep with men if you need to, and put me to the back of your
mind. For me I would like you to stop smoking, put everything you have
into your true passion your writing let the world share in the works of
Sue Simpson, don't lose track, be ruthless you can do it, aim for what
you really want. Marty will also be proud of you so you would not be
doing it for me, its for you, Marty and Col.
I have targets to, I want to get back control of my life, be totally
independent, or at least be on that road, I am going to stop smoking
and become the man I want to be.
Either or both of us may meet someone that we know is right and find
happiness I cannot predict the future, its time that will be a turning
point in both our lives but for me its proving something, If we both
feel like we do now on Nov 26th ,then this is the real thing that will
last forever and we know that it is right.
True love should never die and I have cocked it up so many times in the
past that I have to get it right this time, so I want to be sure and I
think you have done something similar, I know its me being careful but
I think you can understand why and if you think I am daft or just not
interested then its made a decision, we cannot lose either way. I do
not want to throw away something I have been looking for all my life
but I want to be sure of it but I know it appears to be a lot to ask, I
am not asking you to wait for me, I don't want you to, I want you to
get on with your life and not think about me. I am going to get my life
in order but cannot guarantee not thinking about you.
So enough of this self pity from both of us, life is just beginning and
I have set a date for either me to say goodbye alone, us to meet and
part as friends OR ?.. well that's for chapter three.

I am so sorry if this has hurt or left you confused, if you feel that
it was a bastards trick then right click and delete. My intentions are
honourable and I hope not too selfish as this may appear to be.
For me to want you to respond to this would only be egotistical, I hear
anything or nothing will make no difference, please feel free to delete
me off your MSN but do not shut me out from any major things that
happen such as accidents, illness, etc? I could not bare to think that
you would shut me out that much (or am I still being selfish?)

If you do not want to see me again and totally write me out of your
life I understand and will carry these times we had together fondly to
my death bed, I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world and
prey you find that someone you deserve, someone better than me.
All my love to you darling, the kindest, warmest, sexiest lady I have
ever met.
Rick XX

Sunday 30th May 2004.

I'm going to London. Yeeesssss. It's been way too long. I'm really
excited about it. I'm going from the 22nd to the 27th. I want to meet
up with as many friends as possible. I'm going with Martha. She played
hell with me after reading recent diaries and seeing herself in print.
"Sooz, I don't care what you say about me, say what you like. But ..
for God's Sake MARTHA?" She has decided that she'd like to be called
Megan, but I'm buggered if I'm changing it now. It will confuse me to
hell.

I've bought the tickets for the do at the Bloomsbury, so that's all
sorted. I couldn't buy the rail tickets because the advance booking
tickets aren't released until next week, so I'll have to do that on
Tuesday. Martha is confidant that she can sort us out with
accommodation. That's good because I'd struggle to pay for five nights.
Her ex hubby is an Italian Restaurant owner (and quite a character
apparently). So with a bit of luck we'll be staying at Ciro's Pomodoro
in Knightsbridge. Martha says it's pretty handy for bodding about.
Can't wait.

Notice I haven't commented yet on Rick's letter. I've been brooding and
avoiding comment until I knew how I felt about it. Something happened
this weekend to sort of clarify things for me.

So first, Rick.

Reaction one. I'm not a quitter. What's six months out of a lifetime?
If I have to wait six months to prove to him whatever the hell it is he
wants me to prove, then so be it. I don't understand it but I can
wait.

Reaction two. If he truly cares about me, he couldn't stay away for six
months. He rang me on Sunday night. He said he was miserable. He said
that he was missing me so much that a part of him felt like it had
died. I was lying in bed alone just an hour and a half away, he could
have been here. He didn't miss me that much.

So okay, I wait for him to get over his mid-life crisis for six months.
What then? I go trotting off in the middle of the night again and he
doesn't turn up. Or maybe he does turn up just to tell me he's met
someone else and my services won't be required after all, thank you. Or
we do have the fairy tale ending and get back together but in six
months without contact we've grown apart and have nothing in common. Or
I can't forgive him for putting me through this and it sours things in
the future. New love needs to be nurtured to grow. We've gone from
talking for hours to not being able to talk to each other at all. And
again, it's all on his terms, in his time and at his bidding.

I keep coming back to the same point. If he truly wanted me he wouldn't
be able to stay away for six months.

So this weekend.

A mate told me weeks ago that he was coming to the Lakes for the bank
holiday weekend and asked if we could we meet up for a drink. I
forgot.

He rang on Monday asking me to meet him. I almost said no. I was
working. I'd have to go straight from work feeling less than my
scintillating best and stinking worse! But, he was persuasive and I
agreed. Despite the fact that Alex is only a mate and there was no
chance of anything else developing I didn't want to meet him in Dalton.
People are used to seeing me with Rob. It's a small town and Alex is
pretty distinctive. The general rule is, if you're seen with someone
new (even same sex, it makes no difference) you are probably sleeping
with them. If you're seen with that person twice, it's definite! I
didn't want people to see me out with another man.

We agreed to meet in the car park at the bottom of Ulverston and decide
what we wanted to do then. We had a good time. We went round a couple
of pubs. He's good company and fun to be with. The man never sits still
and is always singing and dancing about. He's gorgeous, extrovert and
has a lovely way with people. He was hungry so we got a take-away and
sat on a wall under trees (which sapped on us) talking for a couple of
hours. It was 'nice', pleasant, relaxed. I had to be up for work early
so called it a night. He asked if he could come back for 'coffee' and
presumably all that entails and I said no.

He walked me back to my car and said, "Well, what do I do now? Shake
hands, give you a hug?"

I grinned and gave him a hug. I had this great big, six foot something,
hunk of a slim man with a huge, firm chest in my arms. He has liquid
black eyes and big full lips. He's clever, outgoing, creative, musical,
funny and good company but all I could think about was Rick. Alex had
been flirty all night. I made it clear from the first five minutes that
even if I wasn't in love with someone else, I wouldn't sleep with him.
He took that on the chin. He told me that he would like to have sex
with me, but that wasn't why he had wanted to meet me. He told me that
just before I met Rick he'd wanted to see about taking our friendship
further and that's why he'd booked this weekend to come to the lakes on
his own. When I met Rick, he said that he thought about cancelling, but
decided that he still wanted to meet me as a friend and he likes the
lakes anyway.

He gave me a little kiss. If I hadn't pulled away it would have been a
big kiss. Alex's mouth was on mine, briefly, but all I wanted was to be
kissing Rick. He told me he'd extended his trip by a day and could he
see me the next day (tue). I had to work in the morning but was
expecting to be finished by ten. I said I'd ring him.

Yesterday morning I was tired. I'd had my first call at seven and never
got to bed until late. I really didn't want to have to be bothered
going out when I got back. I half hoped that Alex wouldn't ring. He
did, just after ten. I invited him here for some lunch with Marty and
I. It was an easier option than going out sightseeing with him. I made
it clear to Marty that he was only a friend and that he wasn't another
man to parade through his life and then leave again when he got close.
Alex is a vegetarian, so I made a veggie risotto which Marty was less
than impressed with. After lunch Marty went shooting off with his mate.
It suddenly felt a bit intimate being in the house with Alex, so when
he suggested going out and about I agreed. We drove to the coast. At
the far-most tip of the peninsular is an island. Chappell Island, they
have ferries running on demand. I had the sudden urge to take a ferry
out to the island, it was a beautiful day, but I hadn't brought money
out with me as we were only supposed to be going for a drive. I
wouldn't let him pay so we just went for a walk along the shore. He's a
photographer. He clicked away at everything and talked passionately
about it. Far from being bored it was fascinating. I learned a lot
about photography, but still couldn't take a decent picture to save my
life. I told him that if he kept pointing his camera in my direction
I'd ram it up his jacksee sideways. He just took that as a sexual
thawing.

We drove further down the coast road and stopped for a walk. He chose
the place but it was the same place that I'd walked with Rick just a
few weeks ago. We played about on the same rocks. I had a head full of
Rick. After that we went in search of wind farms. It was boiling hot
and a beautiful day to be out. I enjoyed myself and was really glad
that I went. We came home, had something to eat and went out again. We
went to the Abbey, somewhere else I'd been with Rick. Alex gave me
another lesson in photography and we took some pictures, I even managed
some decent ones myself with his help. We'd been playing a running game
all day. One of us would name the title of a song and the other had to
sing it. He's got a good voice but he's far from quiet. I'm surprised
that his rendition of, 'Don't Stop Me Now', didn't cause the Abbey
ruins to crumble. That was too easy and we changed it to reciting a few
song lyrics for the other one to pick up on. I only caught him out
once, with Billy Joel's 'The Piano Man'. We had a lovely day.

When we got back here at tea-time Mary came. She was horrified. She
glared at me and mouthed, "What the hell are you doing?" I don't know
if she was shocked at me having another man in the house so soon after
Rick, or if it was because he's black. I suspect a bit of both.
Whatever it was Alex picked up on it and wound her up something rotten.
His accent is mostly pure Halifax but he put on a broad Jamaican accent
and said to me, "Woman, I tink I's left me udder trousers in de
bedroooom, wash dem for I, wilt you?" He hadn't been anywhere near the
bedroom, I could have killed him but seeing Mary flounce off disgusted
was hilarious. It will be all round town now. He was going to leave at
six but stayed until eleven with promises to come back next time he's
got a weekend off. He's brilliant company and I'm looking forward to
it.

However, I'm also seeing him sooner than I thought. The phone rang at
two this morning. I thought it was Rick, he's the only one who I might
expect to ring in the night. It was Alex and I was disappointed. He'd
left seven hundred quid's worth of camera in my car. He didn't want me
to send it through the post in case it got lost or damaged, so he's
coming back tonight to pick it up.

I wish it was someone else who was coming tonight.

I spoke to Rick on MSN today. I told him about Alex because I want to
be honest with him. He said that I should do what makes me happy. I
don't think he meant that because if I turned up on his doorstep I
don't think I'd be very welcome. He said that I know how to make him
miss me. He said that every time he speaks to me it hurts him. I
replied that I'm glad it hurts because at least that shows that there
is still some feeling there. He's had his hair cut and has a great new
pic on MSN (all part of moving on?) He said that he thought of me when
he had it cut and told the man not to take too much off. I like long
haired men. I sensed a weakening today. He still maintains that he HAS
to stick to his guns and not give in and come back to me. I told him
that he doesn't have to at all, that he chooses to and that I'm
resigned to the fact that he's going to. I still don't understand it.
Being with Alex this weekend has shown me how much I do care about
Rick. I don't want to wait for him. I want to find someone who will
take chances and be impetuous. I want someone passionate, who isn't
cold and 'sensible', but unfortunately, Rick is the person I've given
myself to and I'm in for the long haul. I will see other men, go out
and have platonic fun. I won't deceive anybody and will always tell
them about Rick and the six months 'wait for me and you might just get
lucky' deal. I hate that I've lost a summer with Rick. He promised me a
good summer together. I don't like winter. If we do get back together
it's going to be winter. What about Christmas? Will I be on my own with
Marty again or will we be included in his plans at all? If we start
seeing each other at the end of November we'll only have a week before
I have to go into hospital for the first of my next load of operations.
I don't want to be at the start of what is essentially a new
relationship and have to add to his stress with that. Oh, well. What
will be and all that.

I did chink through his armour though. I asked if he misses making love
to me. He replied in typical guarded Rick fashion that he's been
purposefully keeping himself too busy to think about sex. I let it
drop.

When he was going to get ready for work he told me he was going for a
shower. I sent another couple of messages about nothing and he said,
"Bugger off and let me go and get clean," with a smiley.

I fired off half a dozen quick messages. The first was, "Let me come
and clean you." The last was, "See, I can make you think about
sex."

He wrote back that he loves me, that nothing's changed in his heart.
That he doesn't want to go back to square one and wants things to be
better for us. He said that I'd given him a hard on and made him smile.
And then he went to get ready for work. He asked me for another
photograph today, the one that Alex took of me dangling off the
rocks.

It's not over `till the at lady sings, and I `aint singing yet.