The Sun Has Got His Hat On.

Wednesday 4th August 2004.

Firstly I apologise for my bad language and filthy mood of yesterday.
The world seems to be a better place today.

I didn??t have a cigarette yesterday, which is a minor miracle. Today I
have been a non smoker for exactly one week. I??m feeling both proud
and smug in equal measure. The weekend is going to be the big test of
endurance though.

Things are very fragile between Martha and me. Last night was
particularly telling, she didn??t call on her way home from work. She
always comes for coffee on her way up, it??s tradition! But not last
night, last night she went straight home. Today she??s in a right old
pooh with me, but more about that later, she can suit herself. On this
occasion Marty??s feelings come before hers.

The day just got worse and worse yesterday. After Emmerdale Marty and I
went for our walk with the dog. We try to walk every night and for the
last two nights have been doing a circuitous route around the lanes as
far as Urswick. The walk is four miles door to door and we do it in
about an hour and a quarter so we don??t knock ourselves out with it.
Last night it was fairly pleasant when we set off. We hadn??t got very
far when the rain started. We made the decision to carry on and not
turn back. Within five minutes it was torrential. We got soaked to the
skin and beyond. I fell over in mud twice to Marty??s once. I nettled
myself trying to catch a toad and on the last drag our clothes were so
heavy that it was like carrying ankle weights. Today I can barely walk
I ache so much. It was sort of tortuous fun though. I quite enjoyed
it.

When we got home we were freezing and I had to let Marty have first
bath. I was standing in the centre of the living room in only my
dressing gown still dripping when the doorbell rang. It was one of the
HCA??s from work. She said she??d been waiting for me for twenty
minutes and that I was bloody inconsiderate when I knew she was coming.
Aaahhh, finally the chance I??d been waiting for. I??d been dying to
have a go at someone all day. It didn??t matter who, anyone would have
done. I don??t like Jan. I don??t like her attitude, I don??t like her
demeanour and I don??t like the way she talks to some of the clients. I
had no idea what she was talking about and was in just the right mood
to give her both barrels. I invited her in and then asked her not to
come shouting the odds on my doorstep. I told her that I wasn??t
expecting her at all and would have stayed out even longer if I had
been and that I had no idea why she??d come.

She was dropping off Mrs O??s key.

The office really do take the mickey (notice I didn??t say piss because
I used up my weekly quota of swear words yesterday and today I am
genteel and serene) They have booked me down for four calls to Mrs O
today (wed). One of them is an hour bathing call. They didn??t even
bother to ask me or check that it was okay. Apparently they had tried
to ring me but I was out at work and didn??t answer my mobile so they
assumed that it would be okay. Today has been a bugger fitting in,
around my work calls, a dental appointment, having to buy rail tickets
and having to drive eight miles to the first open garage to put petrol
in. Poor Mrs H had a call two hours late. I rang the office yesterday
to ask them to ring her to let her know that I was going to be late.
Did they ring? Did they hell. I feel sorry for Mrs H, because she is
only a dressing call, she??s always the one that gets shuffled around
if there is any cover to slot in. On top of my own calls I have done an
hour and a half extra on my morning rota plus an hour for things I
needed to do so it??s been a hell of a rush around this morning. The
rest of the day is fairly easy though and I have been practising the
word ??no?? for when they try to load me up with extra tea-times and
bedtimes tonight. They can sod right off. I only have my own rota for
the rest of the day apart from another two calls to that Mrs O. which
they managed to sneak in on me when I wasn??t looking.

I went to the dentist this morning. My teeth are perfect. Well, okay
aesthetically talking, they are bloody awful but mechanically they are
sound and should at least get me through another twelve months until my
next appointment. I sometimes have nightmares about losing all my
teeth. I will have to be one of those awful women who walk around
gummy. I just *know* that I wouldn??t be able to wear falsies. I was
supposed to wear a brace when I was a kid but I gagged every time it
went anywhere near my mouth. Needless to say it didn??t do anything to
straighten my teeth because I never wore the bloody thing.

I am still very annoyed and resentful about losing the Spanish holiday.
It would have been so good for Marty. And I was all excited about it
too. I know I??m being selfish when I say that we haven??t been abroad
for six yeas. Some people never have foreign holidays but the thought
of almost two weeks to do whatever I wanted was a heady one. I??m not
one for lying by pools or on the beach. I have a low boredom threshold,
five minutes and I??m fidgeting and looking for something to do. I love
hiring a car and just going off exploring. I??d love to see Parc Samma
again, it??s a wonderful stately home in the most magical grounds.
Marty loves it. It??s designed by the same bloke who made the fountain
and square (circle) in Barcelona. I??m not interested in Parc Samma
house but the gardens are unlike anything I??ve ever seen. It??s not
just boring clumps of flowers. Everything is designed for fun. There
are little lagoons with hidden caves to explore and towers to climb.
It??s beautiful.

Never mind, maybe next year.

In the meantime I have good news, though maybe not for London.

Marty is coming with me. I??m sick of him missing out on everything. I
felt really resentful when Martha announced that Andi was coming too
after I??d told Marty that he couldn??t come. I waltzed into the shop
this morning and announced that he was coming. I afforded her the same
courtesy that she did me by not asking if that was okay. I just told
her hat he was coming with us. And I was ready for her argument
too.

??What???

??Marty??s coming with us.??

??He can??t, there??s no room for him.?? Martha is in charge of
accommodation.

??That??s okay, I??d already anticipated that and don??t want to put
Maurio or Madonna out. We??ll book into the B&;amp;B that I usually
use.??

Anyway, I didn??t have time to stand and sort out the logistics but she
said that it??d be okay for Marty to come too but we might end up
sleeping on the floor. To be honest, I had a fantastic time last time
we went. Maurio??s hospitality is second to none. Madonna is an angel
and I loved them to bits. But this time the place is full to begin
with. I don??t want to seem rude or ungrateful, but it would ease the
situation if Marty and I didn??t stay there. We aren??t going to Spain
so I can afford to pay for two nights on Gower Street. I think I??d
prefer it. But I??m keeping an open mind. I??m going to go in good
spirit, try not to let the fact that I??m knackered affect my mood, and
I??m looking forward to showing my son around London and having a
bloody good time. I??m really excited about it now. I think I??ve
decided what I??m reading though I??ll probably change my mind another
fifty times between now and then. I wish I didn??t have such a heavy
day/night tomorrow but there??s nothing I can do about it. If I don??t
have the guts to say no to people when they want me to do something
that I don??t want to do then I??ll just have to face the consequences.
I couldn??t believe the price of Marty??s train ticket. It cost me just
short of two hundred quid for Martha Andi and I return to London. It
cost just twelve pounds ninety for Marty. I have an awful feeling that
matey boy in the ticket office has made a mistake. That seems awfully
cheap to me. But as long as Marty gets there and back, preferably on
the same four trains as the rest of us, I??m not complaining.

He is so damned excited; he??s doing my head in even more. I think I
preferred him being terminally bored. Imagine a boxer pup, crossed with
a mobile Jack-in-the-box, crossed with Norman Wisdom crossed with
Bjork, crossed with epilepsy, crossed with Roadrunner, crossed with
Dennis The Menace?K get the picture?

But I have learned something from the experience. If something goes
magically right and Martha doesn??t go to bloody Bacup, and we do end
up rebooking the holiday and we do go to Spain. I will not tell the
child days before the event. I will drag him from his pit quarter of an
hour before the coach is due to leave (we depart Dalton Swamp at two
am) and tell him to pack his bags quick.

He asked me today if he needs to change his pocket money into Euro??s
for London. He knows it??s in England but thought it might be
??posher?? than up here.

Oh, and guess what? He doesn??t hate me any more ??

Sian has just been. She??s having a hard time with David. He??s
bullying his sister constantly and is generally being a horrible little
git for his mum. Sian wanted me to have him to give her a break
tomorrow night but I can??t because I??m doing a night shift. I??ve
promised to have him Wed, Thurs, Fri of next week. I??ll need a couple
of days to get back into the swing of things when I get home and if I
do my rosterred night shift on Tuesday night, I can have Dave until
Saturday morning and postpone my nervous breakdown until after then. It
will be a far more spectacular break down after coping with Marty and
David together for three days.

They (Sain and co) are going to Turkey on the first of October.
They??ve never been abroad before because Den is afraid of flying and
sailing. I think it will be just what Sian needs. She??s?? five stone
eleven this week, she??s put on two pounds since the beginning of July,
not a lot, but to her it??s monumental. I hope that David doesn??t
spoil their holiday for them. Den bought him a brand new bicycle the
other week. This week he spent four hundred and fifty pounds on a
scrambler for him. He??s bought him a new camera phone costing a
hundred and eighty pounds today. This is to replace the new camera
phone costing a hundred and thirty pounds that is now smashed after
David had a tantrum. I don??t understand why they continually reward
his horrible behaviour. David *could* be a nice kid with some
discipline and firm control. Says she who has all the answers to good
parenting and is the epitome of perfected mothering. Why is it that we
know exactly what??s lacking in other people??s households but can??t
solve the simplest child rearing problems of our own?

Andi refuses to go to school. She??s hardly been for months, most of
this school year in fact.. The kid won??t get out of bed before three
pm. Martha??s at the end of her rope and is threatened with court cases
and social workers.

Bloody easy. You get a bucket of cold water throw it over the girl and
drag her to school in her knickers if need be. I??d do it too and Marty
knows it. I??ve never had a problem getting him to school even though
he hates it and is continually bullied.

Marty has become sneaky and started lying over the past year. I never
know when he??s lying and when he??s for real. Martha has all the
answers and is probably right too. It??s so easy to see what??s wrong
and how to put it right when it??s someone else??s kid.

Oh, I got my new cooker. It is neither blue nor green, it is black and
chrome and looks completely different to when it was in place in Kez??s
blue or green kitchen. It came without any wire that was a bit of a
shock. I cut the wires off the old cooker. After some minutes of head
scratching and desperately trying to remember which wire came from
where when I disconnected the old one I set to. There were only six
places a wire could go and six wires to go. Easy. It was with some
trepidation that I turned on the power when all six wires (three from
the in-wall socket) were in place. Bingo, it worked. Hah, who needs a
man, or indeed an electrician?

The workmen from hell arrived yesterday. Actually Bam-bam the young lad
is very sweet. They asked me who had ??plumbed in?? my cooker for me. I
said I??d done it myself and they were horrified and spent the next
half hour telling me just how illegal and dangerous that is. Well
obviously, I??m not thick, I know it??s dangerous but it was only a
plug for God??s sake. I had no idea that it is illegal though.

Anyway all this wardrobe building and cooker installing has made me
believe I??m, Power Tool Woman, the hobnailed crusader. My car is so
sick that I??m surprised it hasn??t turned green. Some months ago I
bought a power supply thing. It??s supposed to be used in emergencies
to jump start the car. I use it instead of my ignition. The alternator
has gone (so I??m told) I??m going to fix it. The fact that I don??t
know what an alternator looks like or where it is located is a mere
incidental. How hard can it be? I??m going to do it with help from a
book from the library, next week. My car is even more embarrassing than
usual to drive. Over the last week and a half the brakes have gone from
bad to none existent. The screech of metal is appalling. Every time I
depress the break it certainly depresses me. People stand pointing and
shaking their heads. The car is a bloody death trap. So, I??m going to
fix the brakes too. I??m going to do both alternator and breaks on the
same day and then I don??t have to ruin two perfectly good summer days.
I have every confidence that I can do this and if I can??t then the car
will just be scrapped two months earlier than planned. No car means no
work. And I remember writing this very same thing about the same time
last year when Marty leaned out of my car window and had me up in
court. Or was it the year before? How many knackered cars ago was it?
That??ll give me some idea. Two, I think, possibly three.

But, the difference this time is that I??ve already quit work. Hah beat
you , you sneaky little powers of automotive destruction. Marty is
banned from the car until it is fixed. Which means that he can??t come
to work with me. Which means that he is left on his own at home. Which
means that I am breaking the law again. Which means that despite being
super cool mum and letting him come to London I am still shite mother
of the year because I leave my kid at risk either at home or in the
car. Is parenting difficult? Nah, it??s a doddle. Just so long as you
don??t expect your offspring to grow up a healthy and happy well
rounded and psychologically sound adult.

I am happy today. I don??t know what the next few months hold for us,
but today I am happy. I am only looking as far ahead as the next few
days and we are going to have fun. I will not fall out with Martha
because it takes two to cause a fight. I do intend to tell her that I
think she??s been selfish and that I??m not happy about being cornered
into having her shop. I need to get that off my chest otherwise it will
fester. Once I??ve done that I want us to clear the air. I have no
doubt that she??ll have a few things to yell into the pot too. Then we
can get back to normal and have a good time?K hopefully.