The Tomb of One Direction - the play

Keeper

“Name?”

Ballerina

“Am I dead? Only this doesn’t look like heaven.”

Keeper

“Of course it isn’t heaven, it is the Tomb of One Direction. Your name. ”

Ballerina

“The Tomb of One Direction?”

Keeper

Those passing through here may only go one way – on to heaven. It really is quite self-explanatory.”

Ballerina

“Why can’t I go straight there?”

Keeper

“I must check that you are on the List of the Dead. We don’t want the living going to heaven, just think of they chaos they would cause. Look what they’ve done on Earth. Pah, the living. (spits words). Anyway, you distract me, your name. You have a name?”

Ballerina

An. An Song.

Keeper

(checks through the long sheet of paper on his desk) “Why, you’re not on the List of the Dead. You shouldn’t be here. How did you get here?”

Ballerina

“I’ve no idea, all I know is that I was dancing for the emperor, then I was in a fever, then I was here. I don’t want to be here, I’d rather be alive and dancing.”

Keeper

“I shall consult the Director of Lifespans. He will confirm whether you are alive.” (summons the Director of Lifespans e.g. by clapping his hands, clicking his fingers)

Another man arrives, also in a suit, carrying a clipboard.

Director

What is it?

Keeper

“This girl. She is not on the list of the dead.”

Director

“Then she must be on the List of the Living. Let me check. What is her name” (begins checking the sheet of paper on his clipboard)

Keeper

“An Song.” (to girl) “The Director of Lifespans is checking whether you are on the List of the Living, It looks like there’s been a mistake. It really is most annoying. Once you’re found on the List of the Living we can send you back.”

Ballerina

“Very well. I shall dance to amuse myself while I am waiting.” (begins to dance – obviously the length of time the Director spends checking the list will depend on how good a dancer she is)

Director

“I can confirm that you are no longer on the List of the Living,”

Ballerina

(ceasing her dancing mid-pirouette) “Does that mean I can go on through to heaven?”

Director

I don’t know, This situation has not arisen before.”

Ballerina

“Then who does know?”

Director

“We shall summon the Commune Chief of the Tomb Gate. He oversees the Tomb of One Direction.” (summonses the Commune Chief)

Another man appears, older, greyer, and deader than his companions

Commune Chief

“Yes, what is it?”

Director

“Sorry to disturb you, your honour, but a situation has arisen. This girl is neither on the List of the Living nor the List of the Dead.”

Commune Chief

“This is new, In all my eternity here I have never known a person on neither List. It sounds like one of those new-fangled, modern ‘ideas’.”

Keeper

“What shall we do?”

Commune Chief

“I do not know, it is beyond my knowledge. I must summon up the Earl of the Tomb.”

Director

“The Earl of the Tomb? But He hasn’t been summoned in a thousand, nay three thousand years.”

Commune Chief

“But summon Him I must.” (He summons the Earl of the Tomb)

A new man appears, dressed in casual attire (possibly golfing gear), clearly not expecting to be called to work

Earl

“What is it? Why do you summon me, I was in the middle of extremely important work.”

Commune Chief

“Very sorry to bother you, your lordship, but a situation has arisen that necessitates your wisdom.”

Earl

“Yes, yes, get on with it, try and explain without too much grovelling.”

Commune Chief

“This girl. When the Keeper checked the List of the Dead her name was missing from it. But her name is also absent from the List of the Living. What shall we do?”

Earl

“There is nothing to be done. The girl may not advance to heaven. She is not on the List of the Dead.”

Ballerina

“Does that mean I have to go back?” 

Earl

Go back? Go back? Are you insane? You are no longer living, of course you cannot go back.”

Ballerina

“But if I cannot go back and I cannot go forward, where shall I go?”

Earl

“Ah, that I do not know. Honestly, you bombard me with questions, I have things to do. I am the Earl of the Tomb you know.”

Exit the Earl, muttering to himself.

Commune Chief

You must wait here,” 

Ballerina

“Wait here? What for? How long?”

Commune Chief

“Until your name appears on the List of the Dead.”

Ballerina

“But I’m not on the List of the Dead. Your friend said.”

Commune Chief

“Not now, no, but the List of the Dead is constantly updated, as you might imagine. When your name appears you may go through, until then you must wait.”

Ballerina

“Well if I must stay here then I shall perform a dance for the newly deceased, to welcome them as they journey through to heaven. That way my time here will not be wasted by ticking clipboards or checking lists.”

Keeper

“Name?”

Emperor

“I am the emperor,”

Keeper

“I asked your name, not your job title.”

Emperor

“Do you not know me? I am …” (The emperor is distracted by the sight of the dancer) “Who is that?”

Keeper

“First tell me who you are.”

Emperor

My name is Shan Lee, emperor of the Great Kingdom and earthly representative of the gods. There, you have my side of the bargain, now for yours. Who is the girl?”

Keeper

“She is a ballerina. We call her the Maiden of Death. She dances for those newly arrived in the Tomb. ”

Emperor

“She seems familiar,” (gazes at girl for a long time in silent awe, before continuing his sentence) “Like a dancer I knew once, a ballerina who came to my court.”

Keeper

“She spoke of an emperor, I seem to recall.”

Emperor

(overjoyed) It is her, so she is waiting for me here. We shall enter paradise together. Oh, what joy.”

Keeper

“Alas no. The ballerina remains here because she has never been added to the list of the Dead, so she may not travel to the next world.”

Emperor

“Then why did she not return to life? I hear of such things, corpses climbing out of their very graves, carefully organised funerals being ruined by the deceased rising from his coffin. Why not so with the ballerina?”

Keeper

“She could not return. Her name no longer appears on the List of the Living.”

Emperor

“I could get her added to the List. I can arrange any papers, any documents, I am the emperor.”

Keeper

You WERE the emperor. You hold no power here. You kingdom has passed on, as must you.”  (a long silence follows) “It’s that way.” (points)

Emperor

“Hmmm?” (the emperor is distracted watching the ballerina dance)

Keeper

“Heaven is over there, through Heaven’s Gate.”

Emperor

“I’m fine thank you.” (He returns his gaze to the dancer)

Keeper

“You don’t understand me. This is the Tomb of One Direction, the name refers to the direction souls take as they pass through. That direction,” (points) “is the one you must take. It is your destiny, this is merely the intersection where you change from the living to the dead. It is not somewhere where you can stay.”

Emperor

“And yet she has stayed.”

The Keeper summons the Director of Lifespans

Keeper

This man refuses to go to heaven.

Director

“Paradise lies this way,”  (points towards heaven)

Emperor

“I’d rather stay. I’m enjoying the dancing.”

Director

“You don’t understand me. Only one soul may pass through this Tomb at a time, and they must go on directly through to paradise, otherwise the dead have nowhere to go. It is where ghosts, ghouls and other loose spirits come from and you are causing a GhostStorm.”

Emperor

“Well, if you have a word for it, it means I will not be the first to cause one. Who are you anyway, the Tomb Chief?

Director

I am the Director of Lifespans.”

Emperor

Can you sort out the problem with the dancing girl’s pass?”

Director

“Alas no, we can do nothing for the girl until she appears on a List

Emperor

“To be perfectly honest with you, Director of Lifespans, I am an emperor, used to dealing with leaders: kings, governors, church leaders, heads of state, gods even -  not list-men, clipboard holders and general gofers and lackeys. Leave me in peace to watch this beautiful dancing.”

The Director summons up the Commune Chief

Commune Chief

“Yes, what is it?”

Director

“This man is an emperor, and he refuses to leave the Tomb. He says he prefers to stand watching this dancer than proceed to heaven. 

Commune Chief

“More innovations, more newness, what a modern world this is becoming. Hey you, emperor, you cannot stay here. There are souls outside waiting to get in, you must go.”

The emperor ignores him, preferring to watch the dancing

Commune Chief

“You are missing out on heaven, on paradise itself. Why entomb yourself in this place, with three old spirits and a hundred millennia of death. Go, pass through the Gate, take your place in heaven, before god changes his mind.”

Emperor

“You are in charge of the Tomb?”

Commune Chief

“Yes, I am the Commune Chief of the Tomb Gate, I oversee the Tomb of One Direction.”

Emperor

“I have some knowledge of how things are organised here, below my city. You are in charge of the day to day running of the Tomb of One Direction, is that not so?”

Commune Chief

“It is so.”

Emperor

“In which case I have nothing to say to you. I will speak only to the Earl of the Tomb.”

The emperor returns to watching the dancing. The Earl is summoned. He enters in a furious temper, dressed in bright yellow Bermuda shorts, a pair of ray ban sunglasses and a T-shirt which reads: ‘Don’t ask me I only work here’.

Earl

(prods the Commune Chief angrily with his finger as he hurls his words at him) “You disturb me TWICE in the same millennium. What is it this time? I was engaged in important business.”

Commune Chief

I am so sorry your lordship, but this man refuses to leave.

Earl

Refuses to leave?

Commune Chief

He is an emperor. He says he prefers to stay and watch the girl dancing. We’ve been trying to shift him all morning, the dead are queuing up outside

Earl

(bows and kneels before the emperor before speaking) “Your majesty, I am the Earl of the Tomb. I am here to facilitate your smooth transition to paradise. I gather there is some impasse delaying your smooth passage to heaven.”

Emperor

“I do not intend to dwell here forever, but there is an issue I would bring to your attention. This girl, she is trapped here, I would like her to be allowed to join me in paradise. An emperor is allowed an entourage, surely?”

Earl

“Alas no. And though I am Earl of the Tomb I have no authority as to who may pass into heaven. I can only allow through those on the List. I do not draw up the List.”

Emperor

“I see,” “Then it appears I am wasting my time speaking with you. I should speak to the creator of the List of the Dead.”

Earl

“I agree, that is the course of action I would urge you to take and to take it as soon as possible.”

Emperor

“You do? So are you going to summon him?”

Earl

“Alas no, it is not within my authority to summon up God.”

Emperor

“Ah.”

Earl

“But if you wish to see him, He lives through that Gate. I’m sure He will find time, to hear your case. I am told the emperor has the ear of the gods.”

Emperor

I shall do what you advise. Yet I shall miss her greatly. Her dancing is so beautiful. Surely there is nothing in the whole of paradise to compare?”

Earl

“Then I shall give you the power of perfect recall, so you can remember it as if it were taking place in front of you. It will keep you entertained until she is able to join you.”

Emperor

“That is most generous. I like your outfit, by the way, very unusual. Where can I get clothes like that?”

Earl

“They are from your future. They will not be invented for another 2,000 years.”

Emperor

“You travel through time?”

Earl

“”No, I just ignore it. Silly thing time, people let it get in their way, you can get so much done without it.”

Emperor

“I’d love an outfit like that.”

Earl

“Of course. Anything for an emperor. Commune Chief of the Tomb Gate, fetch the emperor a set of clothes like these.”

Commune Chief

But where…

Earl

“Oh, some time in the future, I don’t know exactly. Shop around.”

Emperor

“And if I can have a top which says ‘Don’t ask me, I’m only the emperor’, I’d like that.” (to the Earl of the Tomb) “Thank you for your help, you have been most gracious.”

Earl

“Anything for an emperor. Well, I must take my leave, I have important business to attend. I AM The Earl of the Tomb, I really can’t afford these constant interruptions.”

Exit Earl of the Tomb

Commune Chief

(To Director) “Go and fetch those clothes, I have business here and can’t leave.”

The Director of Lifespans exits and returns shortly with the emperor’s new clothes. The emperor changes into his new outfit, delighted with the new look.

Emperor

Thank you all. I must away. (before departing he whispers briefly into the ballerina’s ear – the ballerina stops dancing and is clearly emotional at his words) 

Ballerina

“Thank you your highness.”

Emperor

“Farewell then. I will send word from god. Expect to hear soon. I will see you in paradise.”

Exit the emperor, end of Act 2.

Eric Braithwaite

“Where am I?” 

Keeper

Name?”

Eric

Eric Braithwaite. Where exactly am I?”

Keeper

“You’re dead. This is the Tomb of One Direction.”

Eric

The Tomb of One Direction?”

You pass through here on the way to heaven. The name is quite clear, it refers to the direction souls take as they pass through. That direction,” (points) “is the one you must take.”

Eric

“One direction? That direction?”

Keeper

“I’ve just told you so.”

Eric

“In which case why’s that man coming this way?”

Keeper

“Don’t be foolish, no man could come … oh.”

A man enters, COMING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. It is the emperor. The keeper summons the Director of Lifespans

Eric

Blimey – there’s a man coming from that direction now. Call this the Tomb of One Direction, the Tomb of any which Way You Choose more like.

Keeper

“What are you still doing here? Go, through the Gate, this is a Tomb of Transfer not a coffee house.”

Eric

I’m going. I’m off to heaven mate, get myself out of this madhouse. 

Exit Eric

Keeper

(pointing to Emperor) This man has entered the Tomb from the WRONG Direction.

Director

Let me deal with it. Halt! You man not pass this way. The dead must remain where they belong.”

Emperor

“I am only returning to finish what I left unfinished.”

Director

“All people leave unfinished business when they die. NONE may return.”

Emperor

“My unfinished business lies here, with you, and with her.” (points to the ballerina)

Director

“The emperor? But it has been over a thousand years since …”

Emperor

“Since I said I would talk directly to God about the abandoned dancer. That is what I have done, I simply underestimated the time I would have to wait for an appointment. It seems that the emperor doesn’t really have the ear of god. In heaven all souls are equal. Indeed, I have stepped aside to let many more deserving souls ahead of me.”

Director

“What is it you want? Why have you broken the First Rule of Deathly Direction?”

Emperor

“I have broken no rules.  I have been granted Permission. A name will shortly be added to the List. I have been allowed to watch the name being added.

The ballerina, for the first time in a thousand years, stops dancing. The Director Summons the Commune Chief of the Tomb Gate

Commune Chief

What is it now?”

Director

This man passed through Heaven’s Gate.”

Commune Chief

“But he is still here. How can he have passed through?”

Director

“He passed through in the wrong direction.”

Commune Chief

“But that has never been done before.” (To emperor) “I thought all novelty had been spent, but here you are turning the world upside down again, going through a one-way Tomb the wrong way. Oh yes, I recognise you, emperor so and so and his dandy shorts.”

Emperor

“I wear no shorts now. I am dressed in my formal robes, as you can see. As for passing the wrong way, I have a Permission.” (proffers a piece of paper)

Commune Chief

“A Permission? Let me see.” (grabs paper) “Gosh, His handwriting is getting poor, it’s because he always answers prayers by email these days. ‘An addition to the List’? Which List? Of the Living or the Dead?”

Emperor

“I didn’t stop to ask. I ran straight here.”

They are interrupted by the arrival of the Earl of the Tomb, dressed in Ermine Robes

Commune Chief

“I didn’t summon you, “I know how busy you are. I wouldn’t dare to disturb you a third time.”

Earl

I got a tip-off from contacts close to you know whom. You don’t think I’d be wearing this gettup otherwise, do you?

Commune Chief

A tip off?

Keeper

(interrupting) “I have a new name,”

Director

“I have a new name, as well

Keeper

It is she,”

Director

“It is she,”

Commune Chief

“What is this? She has been added to both Lists?”

Earl

“It’s called ‘choice’,” “it’s all the fashion on earth right now, would you believe. Maiden of Death,  you have finally been added to the List of the Dead, I can only apologise for the delay. But to recompense, we have given you the option of returning to the land of the living first, for your life was cut so short.”

Emperor

“But how shall she return?” Her body, it is over a thousand years …”

Earl

“Oh, it’s only a body. We have lots of spare bodies.” (to girl) So, what is it to be? Do you make a choice?”

Ballerina

“I should like to speak to the emperor before I decide.”

Earl

“Go on then. Speak.”

Ballerina

“In private.”

Earl

“Oh, go then, into the dark recess of the Tomb, and have your private conversation.”

Earl and ballerina go briefly offstage into the dark recess of the tomb, before returning, hopefully quite quickly, else it will make for quite a boring part of the play. Does the Keeper of the List of the Dead know any party tricks?

Earl

“So, what have you decided?”

Ballerina

“I should like to live a life, a full life this time.”

Earl

“So it shall be. Commune Chief, find the girl a body.”

Commune Chief

“A body? Where from?”

Earl

“Oh, I don’t know. You have the whole of time and space at your convenience, search it. There must be a spare body somewhere. I can’t stop and discuss detail, I’m a busy man. I have things to do. I AM the Earl of the Tomb you know.”

(to ballerina) “Good luck on the journey, may they find you a body fine enough for you to dance in.” 

Exit Earl of the Tomb

Commune Chief

“Director, go find this girl a body.”

Director

“But where from?”

Commune Chief

“How should I know? Try looking under floorboards, I’m told that’s where bodies are usually kept.”

The Director of Lifespans exits, but returns almost immediately with a body.

Director

Your new body.

Ballerina

Oh, it’s nice. A really good dancer’s body.

Emperor

Try it out. Try it out.

(Ballerina goes behind screen and changes into her new body. How this is played out on stage is really up to the director. Options include wheeling a dummy onto the stage and the ballerina re-emerging as herself, perhaps with a slightly amended costume, through to wheeling on a body of a fat older woman, who leaps out from behind the screen in a costume akin to the ballerina’s)

Ballerina

I’m alive. I can dance again, like a living person.”

Commune Chief

It is time for you to leave.

Ballerina

“Farewell. (to emperor) thank you for doing this for me.”

Emperor

“It is my pleasure. I have so long regretted making you dance so much that it brought on your fever. I am overjoyed that you shall live again, even if it means

Ballerina

“In that case I shall dance for you one more time before I depart.”

She dances one more time. Eventually she kisses the emperor goodbye and exits.

Commune Chief

(to emperor) “So we must say farewell again,”

Emperor

“Farewell? Why, are you leaving?”

Commune Chief

“No, but you are surely?”

Emperor

“No, I shall wait here for the girl. After all, she has waited so long, what is one lifetime. And I will not delay the passage of souls this time, I have already been processed. You can have no complaint.”

Commune Chief

But a lifetime, that’s seventy years. What will you do?”

Emperor

“Do? Why I shall fill the Maiden’s place. I shall perform a dance for the newly deceased, to welcome them as they journey through to heaven.”

Commune Chief

Can you dance?

Emperor

I’ve no idea. I’ve never tried. There’s only one way to find out.

Emperor begins to dance. This would seem to be a great opportunity for comic dancing of some form or other, but what do I know, I’m only the writer. The director’s bound to have a much better idea.