A Foreigner Home
It was only a matter of time I figured out on setting up VPN Shield so called "ghost menu", the turnaround is at the service window that needed some of the associated files started and it worked out. While scouring for answers in the forums might not lead anywhere, my mind started to wonder if I can make a career out of this. I closed the laptop the time I went to sleep still thinking over the possibility of different connections of what I just did but it disappeared from there.
My skin cling to the bed due to the humid hot weather I got up in the hour. It has been ten days since my arrival into this foreign land, where I would have lived if I stood side with my mother and the typical memories that accompany it further developing my personality. Maybe that's why knowledge didn't matter when I'm at a different place that I imagined.
I continue my countdown to eleven days on this condo, it's still a mystery behind the history of its previous inhabitance but everything is coming together as distinct parts are revealing themselves: meeting the neighbors, greeting friends, lively neighborhood than where I'm from. The dusk is settling in marking a sight of the festival just outside the window I peer down to witness group of people hanging about while the music organizes dancers to practice their moves. Later I reminded myself there's only less than three weeks remaining.
I observed their relationship from across the table, a conversation between sister and mother had me thinking about the fruition of my life so far. There's a task, time is a force that cannot be stopped and the pain of finding my own home has accelerated the calendar deadline. When the beans were spilled to me about my origin, the "real" family and what I represent to their lives, I wasn't met with high dose of realization but acknowledged that my role has been foreshadowed by a slow burn that drew its fuel from internal struggle of power play. The trigger of a beast that will tap into its own instinct at a whim while keeping the psychological will to pull my humanity together is exhausting thus washing my pysche in a perpetual motion.
The shovel digged deep into the mud and threw down another pile on the burial site, I hold the last mud ready to complete the funeral that lies my laptop: HP Pavilion dv6z-3000 CTO Ed. RIP 2014. The cause was the aging solders cracked from the four years of heat/cool cycles, the man sat next to me and I recognized him as he was the one that performed the complete reflow surgery. We looked at each other convinced that the time has come.
I walked toward the podium in my middle school body, by the time I'm there my mouth faced the mic and see everyone growing in my high school body form. I told them that life started out in the coursework, banging out a high number for scores, finding a sense of engagement with academia and we turned into a book that parents can read then recite to us acheiving fiancial success can solve all physical boundaries. I stopped speaking, it's futile to convince this disconnected relationships any further for they think wisdom will correct their knowledge but it could be just them. I ended with "the world is a cycle of life and changes"
I stepped down, the man took my place and revealed his name as a street salesman, he wanted to give people hope so followed the rule to do so. It's an experiment for me as he revealed his plans: once you've experienced a loss, you should never let that feeling go because it'll be with you forever so the frankenstein surgery is just for that when we know that it'll die again.
This can't be. I muttered as my eyes continued to dart around feeling gravity crush my should against the wall and boulder crumbled down below the ceiling to crush me. Near the quarter of one the light grows brighter that I squint awake and I've now recalled that I'm on the plane easy enough to get on but leaving it is another long story full of dramatic twists in forms of delay, investigative timing. I'm in the streets for the two cars to pick me up and my body slumped on the seat just wanting to get back to sleep.
It's a nice and quiet Sunday morning, I stared at the ceiling thinking about the family run business I'm currently helping and memories of the foreign condo that still stuck to my mind, the disconnect between siblings with hidden frustration of my life at a standstill. My finger fiddled on the phone, moving units across the screen and struggling to keep my composure as I'm getting pawned by the enemies outmaneuvering me which reflect the curses in the world of two distinctive sides: parent's destined path of a family and the choas that seeks to destroy it.
Another day of long labor celebrate Veteran's Day as we count out futures and continue to finance our lives. All the way till Thanksgiving I stayed in my room that'll soon fade into memory and this time I wasn't invited to go with them to the premium outlets which is the closest thing to a shopping extravaganza. I'd imagine it wouldn't be any different, carrying bags, hopping to restaurants with the kids. At the meantime I'm revisiting some childhood shows, slowly to think about my future in programming, reading instructional language books and pinned for my next role somewhere else. The clock ticks down from 12pm to 1:25am, now I heard the car parked on the curb and I closed my eyes.
"Here's an apple in case you go hungry."
"Go with the job that pays the highest"
"Wait until you have enough money to start over...twice"
"Do they pay you in cash or check"
I continued to listen to their tangents of what to do(s) but breaking out of the zone seems risky and it needs to be done. She speaks over the headset telling me to continue to harvest and give out voice of encouragement that I'm doing well unbeknownst to whose benefit. A virtual facepalm came from the my dismay from them, broken hinge laptop, chat program not working and hearing me speak about the truth of finding a better option out of this helpeless state.
Kevin left the room after he was absorbed into his fantasies, I was left to my own devices of plotting a career to renegotiating my circumstances with myself. The chess on the board reflect my degree, experience and connection, it wasn't easy fending off the nerve of the hidden enemy as I can only see my side of the board. I didn't try to make a move until my options are clear but it's haunted by people outside the game saying to best protect my assets and at the same time, relish on the advantageous gains.
Few months passes I'm reside in the time chamber after coming back from the state and plummet into society without much success, it's now time to focus on the mental state.