Love denied

I walked fast to keep up with my mother, nearly falling as her heavy
shoes pounded the

Pavement. I needed to go to the toilet so badly but did not dare say a
word for fear of

what would happen if I uttered a syllable. The leaflets we where
stuffing into peoples

letter boxes where getting heavy. "Oh God " my mind screamed "get to
the loo"

We where just two streets away from where we lived not long then? But
it was! It

seemed miles to my tiny feet. I walked faster and turned the corner
walking with my legs

together as much as I could to stop the inevitable. I ran through the
door and through the

front room through the kitchen to the bathroom. Too late I had not made
it. Red-hot tears

stung my eyes and I shook knowing what would happen if she found out. I
quickly

washed my worn out panties in the sink snuck another pair out from the
wash basket and

hid the soiled ones hoping they would just be washed without being
noticed

The front door banged and I heard mother's voice. I froze, liquid ice
ran through my

veins and my heart beat so fast I thought it would burst through my
brain.

She looked at me as I came out of the bathroom and just pushed past me
and went into

the kitchen.

I was tired after walking the streets for hours and asked mother if I
could go upstairs and

play.

"Just don't touch any of your sisters toys or else" her eyes burned
into to me as I walked

towards the stairs.

It was nice being upstairs on my own, thinking my own thoughts. I read
a book as I had

no toys to speak of and if I touched my sisters sindy dolls I would get
it good. I liked

the famous five books and it felt good to escape.

Soon it would be Christmas; it was my favorite time of the year. The
time of hope and

Longing

"Get down for your tea you," shouted mother from the bottom of the
stairs. I ran down and

Timidly sat at my chair. My little sister Patsy sat on the opposite of
me. She instinctively

Stuck her tongue out at me. I sat in silence and waited. A bowl of
trifle was placed in front of me
.
My stomach lurched and I started to sweat. I could smell the sherry in
it, I picked up

the spoon.

"I want that dish emptied young lady and stop coughing you sound like a
prostitute"

mother said maliciously through clenched teeth whilst hitting me hard
on the back of the

neck as she walked past me. I didn't move or make a sound. Hot tears
threatened to wash

over my eye lids and give mother more ammo. I quickly wiped my eyes
with the sleeve of

my coarse wool cardigan.

Now this trifle, it was so hard to put each spoonful into my mouth and
swallow without

gagging. After what seemed like hours I swallowed hard.

"Please can I leave it?" I pleaded she just stared at me as if I had
two heads. The trifle had

coagulated into yellow gunk with the putrid smell of sherry washing
around the dish. I

knew I was on dangerous territory even daring to ask.

Patsy just glared at me and said, "Make her eat it Mummy" and laughed
"isn't she ugly

Mummy"

"Yes very" Mother said looking at me with her hands on her hips.

"Leave the table Patsy darling" smiled Mother

My heart was beating so fast thrashing through my brain like a steam
train.

"No I want to watch," pouted Patsy

"Now off you go and play with your sindy dolls in the bedroom"

My mother waited until patsy was up the stairs and walked over to the
table with hands on

Hips. "Your going to eat every last drop of that trifle and if you gag
once you've had it

girl"

I looked into those cold steel gray eyes and knew what was to come. I
could not stop the

tears that dripped readily from my cheeks. Mother just smiled. Oh God
not THAT smile.