Morning Sickness

&;#65279;Morning Sickness

Oh God, what am I going to do? Autumn desperately ponders as she pats
her small
tummy eyeing it critically in the full-length mirror placed upright in
the corner of her room, it's
set beside a life-size poster of Matthew Lillard in a not-so-spooky
scene clipped from his latest
film Scooby-Doo. Once completely depressed over the tiny pouch she
adverts her eyes to the
poster that reads: Be afraid. Be kind of afraid. Autumn thought this
request was absolutely lurid.
She was terrified!
"It's cancer," Courte had said, almost solemnly, almost as if he
actually cared about his
dying grandmother. Apparently all his bitter feelings for both his
mother and his mother's
mother had just disappeared right there, right then and right there.
Courte was off to help old
Nana in her time of need. Off to Saskatchewan. Off and gone. And his
feelings for Autumn were
obviously fleeing his mind as well. He wouldn't have run out on her
like that, never. She trusted
him as she supposed he had trusted her too.
She had been wrong.
Nothing serious about that, nothing new to her.
Her bad luck with men started early on in life, since kindergarten
even. Yes, Bobby
Johansen she remembered, the cutest five year old in class, but he
didn't like me, I know that
because he hit me when I tried to kiss him, said he'd sue for sexifull
hera-embarrassment. His
Dad was a law guy. Little Bobby's in law school right now making good
ol' pops proud. The
memory had brought a simple smile to Autumn's face, that was enough for
now. Funny, the
horrendous memories of childhood are amusing now, because you were a
kid. Just a kid. Just a
stupid kid who wasn't supposed to like boys anyway, not yet. Geez, and
I thought that was bad.
Funny now, but miserably embarrassing none the less.
Her minor boy troubles turned into major issues in the paranoid depths
of her mind as the
memory of that short conversation with her boyfriend returned to her
thoughts. That's all he
said, It's cancer. No need for explanation. Autumn was aware that he
were to travel the great
distance to aid his poor grandmother if her recent medical problems did
in fact turn out to be the
big 'C'. Courte had everything planned a year and a half in advance, no
matter what it was, there
was always a premeditated procedure to follow through on. He discussed
this with her one night
as if the conversation itself had also been premeditated. She
understood and with all her heart
prayed that Cancer would not be the outcome, not only because she'd
lose the first guy she'd
ever loved, or at least thought she loved, but because Cancer kept
creeping into people's lives
unannounced and it was unfair.
She hated Cancer, she hated it more than anything.
What she hated just as strongly right now was the insanity in her
mind. It was
unbearable... it was Cancer. Yes, a chaotic mess of Cancer swarming her
mind. Cancer had been
the cause, so Cancer it was. Not medically, but mentally. Fucking
Cancer!
Despite Autumn's pulsating feelings against such a disease, it wasn't
the illness that was
troubling her this particular morning. Although she blamed it, you
always tend to blame anything
and everything on what you despised the most, it was a new predicament
that had occurred to
her just moments before that was troubling her now.
The bathroom incident.

She had slumbered into the facility's quarters just next to her
bedroom and as she was
taking her morning relief, yawning because she was not yet fully awake
or just because it made
it easier to pee or both, she noticed the box of tampons shoved in the
corner of the bathroom
beside the magazine/newspaper holder. Oh great, Mom's on her rag.
Thunderstorm watch is in
affect. Hell, be prepared for a damn Tornado! She thought laughing a
little through another of a
series of yawns she endured each morning. Never a morning person, not
Autumn. She began to
wonder why she hadn't been prone to such a foul mood when it came to
her time of the month.
After all she was her mother's daughter, wasn't she? Autumn often
wondered, daily in fact, but
that's another story all together. I wasn't that bad last time my
'River Rouge' came to visit I
don't think, whenever that was. The last of her thought almost slipped
free of further analysis,
but she wasn't that tired. Maybe if it had been Monday... well, that
was just another story as
well.
...whenever that was
When was it? A few weeks? Maybe a month? Oh God, a month? Maybe
more?
...not good
She rushed into her room almost forgetting to lift her pants off the
floor and back to her
waist. She could have broken something if fallen over them. Perhaps
Autumn was lucky, but if
Autumn had the choice she would have used that luck awhile back, a
month back to be
somewhat accurate. If luck had been on her side she may not of decided
to explore sex for the
first time that hot night in July. If she had any luck at all perhaps
the clothes would have stayed
on and the condom would have been left unopened. If luck was anywhere
near her right now, she
wouldn't be frantically searching her date-book for any indication that
she had in fact had her
period and it was merely two or three weeks before. If that were the
case, sure, she'd be
suffering the discomfort of cramps and bloat sometime soon, but all she
wanted right now was
that nasty female curse, anytime now would be good.
Her date-book hadn't eased her mind in the least, she couldn't find
anything. No
reminder or one of those silly little red stars she'd scribble in on
the day it started and/or
ended...nothing. Nothing didn't necessarily mean that the period it
self hadn't occurred at all in
the past little while, just that she may have forgotten to post
anything into her date-book about it.
It's not exactly exciting news anymore, more a pain in the ass than
anything. Still, she had no
memory of having it for quite awhile. Oh, I had it when I went camping!
Oh wait, that was in
June! Today was the first of August.
Nothing there was. Nothing at all. Nothing, when she so badly wanted
anything but.
Autumn fell to her knees before her bed sobbing with her hands held to
her face against
the side of her comforter. Was she pregnant?
Am I? Yes, I'm pregnant. I know I am.
Of course this young girl, barely nineteen, couldn't possibly know for
sure that she was
with child, but she simply had that feeling. You know the kind of
premonition you get when you
just know the next small portion of your future, but never entirely
realize your knowledge of the
event until it's occurring or done with. To Autumn, Autumn was
pregnant. You just can't shrug
that kind of feeling off. It's a sticky thought and although this new
idea has only been with her
for a short time it is somehow already imbedded into her conscious
thinking.
I'm just a kid. A kid having a kid ...not good.

She stood up in front of her full-length mirror and began groping her
mid-section
searching for any concrete evidence that she was indeed pregnant. She
was positive her tiny
stomach had inflated. Although this was in fact true, it hadn't needed
to be. Autumn was
convinced.
She sat unhappily down on her bed, which consisted solely of a
box-spring and mattress,
and wondered how on earth she would survive this dilemma. Autumn was
lucky though, lucky
when it came to problems. She hadn't had to struggle through anything
worse then the death of a
pet, her life as a child had been literally carefree. She wasn't handed
everything on a silver
platter, or so the saying goes, she just had it easy that's all.
Easy...until now.
This was major.
Autumn thought of abortion for a brief moment, but a brief is all it
was. She always had
strong feelings against that particular method of birth control and
although her life was spiralling
downward before her very eyes she valued her morals. She was a proud
girl, if anything.
She threw herself back on to the bed and stared at the ceiling through
blurred vision. Her
sobbing had ceased for the most part, but had left her eyes watery and
a puffy red. She stared at
the ceiling, the ceiling of her parents house. Autumn still lived at
home. She'd had a cousin who
had given birth to a couple of kids before moving out on her own, but
there was no way Autumn
was about to do it. Not totally confident all the time, though full of
pride, was Autumn. She
would insist on moving out after telling Mr. and Mrs. Mom and Dad the
news.
The awful news. Their virgin daughter was pregnant.
Obviously, it wouldn't make any sense to them. She could clearly
picture the
disappointment on their faces. The distress her Mom would immediately
feel knowing full well
the mandatory responsibilities of a grandmother. The sadness in her
father's eyes as his little girl
had changed into a women, a women with a huge burden on her shoulders,
right there in front of
him. I'll be lucky if I even get the chance to announce my departure,
they may kick me out as
soon as they know. What a disgrace I'll be . Where will I go?
Goodbye school. Autumn began to cry once more as she figured that her
first two years
of university were now a waste, a waste of time and money. She couldn't
attend her classes
protruding from the gut, her pride wouldn't allow it. Pride may be the
only thing she'd have to
hold onto, even if it was dispersed in small amounts, so she'd stick by
it for the time being, that
was the plan anyway.
Goodbye good life. Goodbye MY life! The things she wanted for her
future were now
flushed down the john along with this morning's relief. It was no
longer Autumn Crafter against
the world...it was Autumn Crafter and her sidekick stomach ready for
disaster. No more fun, no
more solidarity, no more freedom. She was having a baby.
The soft sobs with her now tissue-filled hands permanently stuck to
her face turned into
out right bawling when she suddenly realized the father of the baby is
never to be seen again. It's
Cancer he had said. The retched illness had wormed it's way into her
life now and taken over,
ruined it. Fucking Cancer! Courte was off helping his dear elderly
relative and here she was
incubating his baby, their baby.
Their baby! In some small way this was the beginning of a
family.
Autumn lowered her hands from her faced and placed them in her lap as
the only hopeful
thought of the entire morning had suddenly worked it's way to the front
of her mind. ...a family.
She had always wished to start a family at a young age. Courte had felt
the same way. He had
even confided in her that to have a family is his sole purpose in life.
He faithfully believed that
having a son, or daughter but preferably a son, would make him the
happiest he could ever be.
And now, Autumn was given the chance to grant his lifelong desire to be
a father. She held her
love's happiness in her hands. This pregnancy was perfect, could have
chosen a better time, but
you can't choose when a miracle will happen, it just does. That's the
point of fate. Yes, perhaps
this is fate.
The only problem was that Courte was so far away now, but that didn't
phase the stream
of happy thoughts that had now entered the main view of her mind.
Autumn was certain that as
soon as her boyfriend (she still like to think that he was, discarding
the distance) got wind of the
news, he would rush to aid her in beginning the family he'd always
dreamed of. Call it naive,
call it foolish, call it love, but that's what Autumn thought...at
least for the time being.
Her disaster has somehow transformed into a blessing in mere minutes.
She thought of
anything that would make her feel better about the situation and it
did. I've always wanted
kids...I love kids...I love Courte...He loves me...He loves the idea of
family...perfect!
She smiled broadly with puffy cheeks now into the mirror actually
pleased with that little
pouch of fat she was sure was a fetus forming inside of her, couldn't
possibly be anything else,
not mere bloat or anything rational of course. She then left her room
impulsively in search for
the cordless phone. Autumn had decided her family is to start today.
Start with a phone call. A
phone call to the father. She almost bubbled over with joy anticipating
his voice when he would
answer the ring. Previously she had promised herself she would no
longer have anything to do
with Courte. She just didn't do long distance relationships, love or no
love. She'd discovered
early on that she was incapable of such a romance, perhaps just her bad
luck telling her not to
bother. She dismissed the thought of never seeing Courte again quicker
than the idea of aborting
her child. This was good, this was great, she hung up the phone.
The fact that she was being irrational had hit her like a rock! What
was she doing?
Calling her ex-lover? Why? This is ridiculous, she concluded.

How could I possibly make the man of my dreams happy when I had no
real proof to
report? She thought already on her way to the drug store for one of
those home pregnancy test
thingies. After all, the party on the other line would be Courte Myers,
the over-analytical sperm
count. He would want all the details even in his most joyous
state.

Autumn read through the instructions carefully because she was
unfamiliar with such a
device. Wow, I only had sex once and her I am with this thingamabob,
other girls my age must
have gone through this a million times already! There was plenty to
read, but when it all boiled
down to it you peed on a stick if the little window showed a plus sign,
which would be the case
here of course, you were having a baby and if there was a minus sign,
well, we don't need to
worry about that now do we?
She was almost unable to pee, the position was just so awkward, but
suddenly a yawn
overcame her and pee she did. She placed it on a flat surface, she'd
read that's what's to be
done. She'd also read that it took a minute to produce any results. A
minute was nothing,
Autumn thought, but this minute would inevitably feel like a lifetime.
She quickly became
bored, after all she did already know what it would say right? So this
is what I go through for
Courte, work out little details of proof for every little thing,
hmm..must be love.

After she had checked her watch for what had seemed like the one
hundredth time, she
finally looked into the little window. She had been sure not to look at
it during the span of that
lifelong minute, just because she felt perhaps it would be bad luck.
And there it was...
It was small and pinkish in colour, but perfectly legible...
A minus sign. The pregnancy test was negative.
Autumn smiled and tossed the test into the waste basket along with any
memory of that
crazy morning.
Marie Terrault *051602*