From The Apartment

I was looking for your feel awhile tonight. I drank a bunch of caffeine and slipped into this space where I started to fade and needed someone to keep a hand on me. You weren't around online though.

I know the email was too much. I know. I spent half an hour looking up adjectives for the alliteration. I had the notion of reheating your memory. It ended up getting all dumped out though. I keep forgetting who you are and what you've never liked. The lights in my place got turned off one by one, till there was only the monitor light on and I read a story about dying alcoholics by it and played sad annihilation music on it. I thought about you a long time and stared at the song numbers changing on the media player. Every now and then a moment came and I had to get away. I might have gone down town. But they were only moments.

I knew you would blow away from me. Or blow me away from you. Either way, that's how it happens. It stays hot right after and you feel like you won't ever let go. But he comes back and snuggles in beside your heart again, doesn't he? The guilt comes down like snow then, soft and piling. Everything that happened becomes heavy. The cool down starts in. Even in those crazed moments we had, the cool down was waiting for you wasn't it?

I can't manage you out of my head at the moment. There's no one here to help me. It's still too much not to write these. That's all this is”me getting rid of the too-much. Just see it as something about to settle and die. Time is the only thing we're waiting for, right? I just have to get these words away from me sooner though.