Chapter Three: The Chocolate Pudding Birds

Aniseed didn't remember dozing off in the tree, but when she woke up, it was dark, and she was indoors. She had been dreaming all night, that she had been sleeping in the most amazingly soft bed, except she kept dreaming that a cow with a bad case of flatulence was sleeping on her head. Then she woke up and realised why. Everything stank. She was lying somewhere strange. It was cold, and moist, and smeely, and soft. It was in her hair and between her toes. This odd gunk. And then she realised. Of course. It was stilton. She was sleeping in a stilton. Not an ordinary stilton of course. An extraordinarily large, and extraordinarily overripe, and stinking stilton. She saw that Ted had even given her a little pillow, and a note, which read
An edible bed, wot could be better?
I hope you enjoy your pillow and sweater!

Under her head and over her body was a pile of red scratchy straw: highland cow hair, it had to be. Seeing as she didn't have any other option, she squidged a finger into the cheese, and ate a bit. Eurgh. It was the most revolting thing she had ever tasted (apart from the green sludgy moonshine) She shut her eyes and thought: at least I'm not at maths class. At least I'm not at maths. And when she got home, they would make such a fuss over her. They'd bake her an enormous cake, and have posters, and everything.

"Look at this. Look at this. You wont believe your own tentacles.

Tentacles? What? Aniseed didn't know. She was asleep, she was dreaming about being carried off by a dashing pirate on a pirate ship.

"Come on, my little snivell-tops. Breakfast time for all..
Ted's face was looming over her. Aniseed reluctanlty got up, yawned, and wandered, bleary eyed, into the kitchen.
When Ted said breakfast time for all, he meant it. The kitchen was doing a good impression of Noah's ark. The brown chocolate puddings birds, the chickens, the dogs, the small fawns and the sugar gliders all squabbled, ate, bleeted, cheeped, snorted and hustled and shoved past each other to get to their food. The sugar gliders were eating out of bowls suspended from the ceiling on string, the chocolate pudding birds jumped like frogs, and the others fought over the floor.
"You, Aniseed, are over here.
Aniseed saw that, at the kitchen table was a new chair. Her breakfast was set out. The burnings, she decided she would call them. In front of the table was a chair. It was a new chair, and like the other furniture in Ted Sundown's kitchen, it still had bits of bark in it. It was an ordinary chair, except that the back of it was extremely tall, about six times too tall for the chair.

"Hop on, then
"I'm not sure that I'm hungry
"Don't be a trout.
That seemed to settle the argument, so she said down. Ted produced out of a cupboard, an extremely tall hat.
"Don't look.
Aniseed was getting quite exhausted by all these surprises. Still, she half shut her eyes, so she could spy on what Ted was doing. But his back was turned, although she could hear him whispering something ' she didn't know what.
"There He span round, and she shut her eyes tight shut. On her head was plonked something: something furry and velvety.
"Now you're as tall as giant's backside". He showed her, in a very dirty and cracked mirror, herself. There she was, looking pale as milk, and wearing a top hat about five times as tall as her head.
The hat was a rich, red colour.
"That's very nice of you she said, and Ted grinned, once more showing Aniseed his disgusting teeth, which now seemed to have tufts of brown cow hair poking up between them.

"What about chocolatepuddingbirddrink?
"Thankyou.
He poured her some thick brown liquid from a jug. She drank some, and it was absolutely delicious: muddy, and thick, and sweet: the richest chocolate she had ever tasted.
"Its like rabrits, isn't it?
"Is it? Aniseed said, still gulping down the hot chocolate, and realizing that she was incredibly hungry.
"Rabbits, said Ted, as he poured her a second cup, and she gulped it down:
"They eat their own droppings.
"Really?
"So we like drinking chocolate pudding bird droppings. It's all in the cycle of life
Aniseed put down the mug on the table.She turned as pale as paper.
"I'm only falgadding he said. It's not their droppings. It's their babies.
"What?
"Oh for gosling's sake. Dear buckets. Have a bit of toast. Only cocoa my duck.
Aniseed helped herself to the toast. It was pretty unedible, but she made an effort. The chocolate drink was delicious. She decided to ask him the question.
"Where are we? she said.
"Where are we? This is my farm. My kettle chip, my playground. I told you about the neighbours.
"Yeah, but where, like..what country?
"What country? What country? No, you're not serious. You not messing at all. This country? Where did they get you?
"Nobody got me. I fell. He looked at her for a moment, stirring his own hot chocolate. He paused, and looked right into her eyes.
"How far?
"I don't know. She replied.
There was a silence, as he stirred the cup in his hot chocolate and it tinkled against the side of the mug.
"I'll think of something , he said, picking a gobbet of something yellow out of one of his teeth, and smearing it on his plate.
"I'd better have the hat back.
He plucked it off her head, and went over to the door. Opening the door, he started shaking it about, and out came several squirrels: they flew out hit the ground, and scampered off into the garden.
Aniseed put her hand up to her head, and realized there was still one sitting on her head.
"Ted? Ted?
"There she goes. Had to make sure it stood up somehow.