Oceans

She stood on the cliff, oblivious of the waves hitting the rocks.
The wind came from behind, blowing her long hair into her face, lashing
her pale, tear stained cheeks. She stood staring at the moon as it
seemed to touch the water somewhere in the distance, sink into it and
finally disappear out of sight.

"Try it," he said. He held it out to her and she eyed it suspiciously.
"What is it?" she asked. He laughed harshly and she quickly pulled her
hand back which she had extended in an unconvincing attempt to touch
it, repelled by the contempt she heard in his voice. He slightly shook
his hand and the two innocent looking white pills rolled around in it.
When he moved closer she could smell the alcohol on his breath and
turned her head away trying to escape it. She failed. He clamped the
thumb and index finger of his right hand around her chin and turned her
head back, forcing her to face him. "You'll like it," he whispered and
she thought she would pass out with the vile stench he exhaled.

"It's okay, Mickey," she said and almost managed to make her voice
sound steady. She waved the bottle she was holding at him. "I had quite
enough Bud tonight, I don't need to get high." She brushed his hand
away and stood up. The room started to spin around her and without much
effort Mickey pulled her back onto his lap. His friends cheered while
she uncomfortably made an effort to pull her skirt down which was
suddenly showing way too much bare skin for her liking.

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. There were no stars
but Karen saw them anyway. The sky was overcast and it had started to
rain but she was oblivious to that too. She had left her jacket
somewhere, probably in the bar or in Mickey's car. She didn't care.
With an effort she raised her hands which were tightened into fists and
pressed them against her temples. "Go away," she whispered. Her lips
barely moved. She heard Mickey's laugh and saw his cruel, gray eyes but
she could no longer remember his name. When she tried to turn around to
see who was behind her she found her legs would not move. It didn't
matter anymore.

"Go on, Karen," he urged her and his words sounded more like a command
than an invitation. Almost out of habit she obeyed and took the two
pills out of his hand into her own. She didn't want to take them but
she knew that Mickey was not going to let this one go. She closed her
hand and tried to get up again. Mickey wouldn't let her. He grabbed
another bottle of beer from the table. Karen wanted to spit in his face
but she remembered the last time she had disobeyed him, and she could
already see that dangerous glint in his eyes that promised her a good
beating when they got home. Better not to make it worse than it already
was. She shoved the two pills into her mouth, immediately buried them
under her tongue with the intention to spit them out later and took a
swig of beer.

I wish I may, I wish I might. Karen swayed. She missed the moon and
the soft, red glow it emitted. The night was black and the heavy rain
made it nearly impossible to see the ocean. In the morning the
coastline would be obscured by thick, damp fog. Karen had seen it many
times but now she couldn't conjure up the picture in her head. She
remembered the word, fog. It sounded evil and rested heavily on her
chest.

Mickey pushed her roughly off his lap and grabbed her arm as she
staggered, for a moment making her think that he was steadying her.
When he dragged her across the bar to the dance floor she realized that
she had been foolish. Mickey did not have a kind thought for her. His
fingers dug into her arm and she already knew that she would have to
wear a long sleeve top to cover the bruises the next day. Karen was
well aware of the two pills still in her mouth and tried to resist but
to no avail. He pulled her onto the dance floor and immediately wrapped
his arms around her starting to dance.

"Let me go a minute," she said. Her words were slurred and she
realized she had had more to drink than she had thought. "I need to go
to the bathroom, Mickey, let go of me!" Instead of an answer he grabbed
her tighter and started to kiss her. His brutality disgusted her and
she tried to push him away. He was strong. Eventually she gave in. The
two pills slowly dissolved in her mouth and the night became a
blur.

*****

"Mom? I can make my own breakfast now, mom, Granny showed me. She let
me help her make the coffee yesterday, I was very careful. I hope you
can hear me, mom. I miss you very much."

Why was Jenny not in bed? It must be, what, the early hours of the
morning? What was she doing out here on the cliff, and what was she
talking about? Have the wish I wish tonight. I wish I was tucked up in
bed with my daughter by my side - what was her name again? Karen
couldn't remember and it didn't seem to matter. "Go to bed," she told
the child, a little girl, cute, maybe six years old. Karen vaguely
remembered seeing her before, but she couldn't work out her features.
Her lips didn't move. She felt a touch on her hand and tried to lift
it. The touch remained, another hand perhaps, a child's hand. Then it
was gone, if it had ever been there.

Karen looked at the moon. It was large and red and about to disappear
into the sea. She remembered the fog. Tears ran down her cheeks, or
maybe it was rain. She wished she could see the water. Have the wish.
If only I could see the water. Suddenly she had the irrational fear
that she was going to spend the rest of her life standing in the rain
staring at the ever-rising moon. She became uneasy and though she
couldn't explain it, Karen wanted to run, to get away but, she couldn't
move. It seemed almost as if she were frozen in time. Then the feeling
was gone. It didn't matter. Karen thought the ocean was
beautiful.

*****

Slowly Jenny turned to the woman standing behind her and began to cry.
"Do you think mom will ever wake up again, Granny? Can she hear me?"
Jenny asked. Her grandmother helplessly stroked her hair. "I'm sure she
can, dear," she said. "I'm sure she can hear you."