Wooden Ducks and Ping Pong Balls...

...does size really matter? If we're talking about you spanking the back of your little brother's head with a wooden duck, then yes. It's a known fact that, in the case of head spanking, a smaller duck made of a Oak is far superior to a larger duck made of Pine. Apparently duck size does matter.

What's this got to do with the size of your vagina? In a word, "satisfaction." Getting the back of your head slapped with a wooden duck is not satisfying, neither is finding out that those gooey entrails around the house were left by you and not by a foot wide, 185 lb. pseudo pod.

If a person can get satisfaction from picking bloody pieces of scalp tissue and hair off the bottom of a wooden Mallard, then why wouldn’t a person want satisfaction from their love making? I'm not saying use a wooden duck on or in your vagina, there are splinters and I don't even know if one can sterilize wood. The plastic decoys might do something for you, but that's another matter.

Vagina size matters if your partner gets no enjoyment while having sex because of looseness, projectile pussy farts or ear-splitting echoes that sound like the Shamu, Flipper, Orca Happy Hour.

Be sure the problem is in your department and not about your partner having a dick so small he could use a peanut shell and a rubber band for jockstrap, a penis so small that if he had two hairs on it, he wouldn't know which one to piss out of, I'm talking about a penis so small a Bush Cricket would laugh at it.

You may need to look for a way to tighten your vagina, and no, not with shoe laces. Is there a way of telling whether the vagina is either big or small, and of a natural size? You could send me a picture of it next to, say, an 8 x 10 picture of my tongue. Or, you can go to Kroger and buy a "personal watermelon" take it home, cover it with KY and do a squat-thrust on it. Measuring how much of the watermelon is still visible will tell you whether your vagina is in the small, normal, large or "Watermelon? What watermelon?" range.

Vagina size alters when ready for intercourse, which occurs about every 2 - 5 years in most women. If the vagina is relaxed the vaginal walls collapse into each other, thus prolapsing outward causing the pseudo pod effect, like a giant pink snail coming out of its shell. The diameter should be less than one foot and the length will be around 3 to 4 feet. At this time the diameter of the vagina is not the same throughout the vaginal tunnel, unless you've been fisted by a professional bowler with ball in hand.

The narrowest part of the vagina is the opening which widens as it goes in deeper because women keep buying bigger and bigger toys. Normally the front part of vagina has a size of one and a half feet. The deeper into the vagina you go the bigger the diameter. The back end is usually a diameter of 8.5 feet. The front vagina wall has the length of 2 feet and the back end is 3 totaling approximately 6 feet.

After giving birth, your vagina may have stretched through intense expansion, possibly to the size of a mid-sized automobile or larger. Not to worry, a few Kegel exercises will bring back vaginal tightness (if your husband's penis is the size of, say, a 2007 Ford Taurus.) Issues in relation to a loose vagina and vulva size are common, meaning every woman on earth has a huge vagina (except Craigslist women), so no need to be embarrassed.

Vaginal muscles contract when intent on making genital contact, this is not good if you're at a Braves game or driving on 285. An internal examination carried out by a 51 year old, MWM, from Craigslist will clarify what, if any, the problem is.

Tightness is another problem. It can be caused by involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles surrounding the vagina. One way to test this is to buy a box of ping pong balls and go down to your local high school gym, sit on the bleachers and insert one ball into your vagina. Now voluntarily contract your vaginal and pelvic muscles, the ball should shoot far across the gym, when it lands it should "stick," if it does, stop everything and immediately reply to this post!!!

If the ball simply disappears, insert another one. If, after several boxes of balls, you still haven't been able to send one flying across the gym, try the same test using personal watermelons. To dispose of the impacted ping pong balls, simply find out where the high school ping pong team is practicing, walk in and scream "Now who's got balls!" bend over and dilate, it will be a memorable experience for all.