Fin De Siecle

Fin De Siecle (in progress)

1992

May

Seems weird to think, but I cried last night. Now it is morning it is
probably better that Kinnock did not win. Right-wing 'socialist'
governments are always miserable things, hated by left-wing zealots as
corrupt sell-outs and loathed by all rightists for supposedly being
crypto-communist. As it is we shall have to put up with a left-wing
Tory one. And Major will now have to look for a new tennis partner to
beat.

June

I am getting desperate for money and am coming increasingly round to
the idea of crime as a workable solution. In fact I'm practically
willing to try anything. We are so much in debt - it is a species of
serfdom. It is 'bloody' as Orwell used to say, that an essentially
decent man - a good protestant - can descend to this level of meanness.
It is depressing but probably makes for an interesting and quite useful
sociological study of the effects of middle class poverty in capitalist
society. Suzanne and I have always held a plan, or at least I have, for
the time when capitalism finally stops toying with us and vomits us up.
We have a tent - we'll maybe go to Belgium. I know a bit of French and
benefits are probably easily obtainable until you can find a job. Or
maybe we'll go to Gibraltar, which keeps popping into my head for some
reason. But if Gibraltar reminds us of this place - after all you can
still hear English - we'll catch a ferry to Tangier, and out of this
fucking mess for good. Or maybe teaching English in Siberia - anywhere,
away from this place, to the desert. Barren, empty, decaying,
expansive, lifeless, joyless, but somehow honest; more honest than the
bourgeois sham materialism that is supposed to pass for
happiness.

July

I got a statement from the bank yesterday and put it in my wallet.
Today it's gone. Someone, or something, is fucking with me. It doesn't
make any sense.

Norman Stone on Panorama last night indignant about 'beautiful
renaissance cities' being blasted by the Yugoslav Army. It is reported
that the JNA has transferred disgruntled Montenegrin troops from the
Krajina to Dubrovnik so they can pop home with looted artefacts and
consumer goods.

August

A girl in another office - one of those plump, straggly heavy metal
'chicks', keeps staring at me. She did so yesterday and I had to rush
to the toilet to quickly pull myself off. The whole process probably
took about two minutes. I also keep following girls and staring
intently at them from behind, and the area where the buttocks meet the
legs. It is a sexual sickness. I do love Suzanne - but she is beginning
to feel distant. I can't help wondering if she thinks of other men,
more 'vital' or maybe more materialistic, it is impossible to
guess.