Dutch Tea and Sympathy

Dutch Tea and Sympathy

FADE IN:
1 EXT. STREET - DAY
We come up on a cul-de-sac of about 6 small but nice looking houses,
all fairly close together, and come to rest on one house in particular,
called Serendipity. It has a small, well kept patch of garden in front
of it, with a path leading up to the front door. There are wind chimes
hanging in the porch, and a bunch of dried lavender above the
door.
A car pulls in to the close. MR FAIRCHILD, a harassed looking man in
his late forties gets out. He consults a clipboard.
Mr Fairchild walks up the front path, looking from left to right, and
making notes on his clipboard. He rings the doorbell.

2 INT. SERENDIPITY - DAY
We see a tidy kitchen with cupboards and appliances at one end, and a
carpeted area at the other. In it there is a low wooden table top,
propped so it is just off the ground, with cushions scattered around it
haphazardly. The windows are draped with brightly coloured sarongs and
pieces of fabric, and a dream catcher hangs by the back door. Incense
sticks burn in the corner, and a large blue teapot sits in the middle
of the table. HEATHER, an attractive woman in her late thirties sits
cross legged on one of the cushions, drinking tea, and reading a
magazine.
The doorbell rings.

3 EXT. STREET - DAY
The door is opened by Heather. She looks her visitor up and down, and
smiles at him warmly.
HEATHER
Hello.
MR FAIRCHILD
Good afternoon, Ms Blume?
Heather nods, still smiling.

MR FAIRCHILD
My name is Ron Fairchild, I'm from the Housing Association, and I'm
afraid it would appear that you haven't been paying your rent.
HEATHER
Ahh, I've been waiting for you - come in! I hope you are more useful
than the last one they sent, he fell asleep face down on my kitchen
floor! I had to phone your supervisors and have him taken away.
Heather opens the door widely and beckons him inside.
CUT TO:

4 INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Heather shows Mr Fairchild in to the Kitchen.

HEATHER
Right, ok then, you just sit down here, make yourself comfortable, and
I will make us a pot of tea. Then we can have a chat about whatever it
is that's troubling you.
MR FAIRCHILD
Nothing is troubling ME Ms Blume.
I'm afraid this is rather serious. There is a chance that you may be
evicted.

Heather moves towards him smiling.

HEATHER
(Patronisingly)
Yes. You just have a seat now, there's a good lad!
She grasps him by the shoulders, and gently, but firmly pushes him down
on to one of the cushions. Mr Fairchild perches there uncomfortably,
while Heather picks up the teapot, and moves to the other end of the
kitchen.

MR FAIRCHILD
If you refuse to leave then I'm afraid this may have to involve the
intervention of the police Ms Blume.
HEATHER
Oh, call me Heather? So, unnecessary all of this formality, don't you
think Ron?
RON
Erm?right, Heather. You did hear me say that I may have to involve the
police?
With her back to Ron, Heather takes a generous handful of suspicious
looking dried leaves out of a polythene bag and drops them into the
teapot, with a couple of normal tea bags. She gives it a quick stir,
and brings it over to the table.

HEATHER
Now then, Ron. We'll just leave that for a while, to brew, and, and
we'll put these problems of yours into perspective. We'll have you
sussed in no time!

RON
(Looking mildly confused)
It's not actually my problems that I am here to discuss actually Ms,
err? Heather.

Heather sits herself down beside Ron, and looks intently in to his
eyes.
HEATHER
Do you know Ron; I could tell from the minute you walked in here that
you are a deeply troubled man.
RON
(frowning)
Really? Well?anyway, as I was saying Heather, I must warn you
that?
HEATHER
(interrupting)
Look at that stressed out forehead of yours!
She leans over and presses her thumb into his forehead, attempting to
smooth out the wrinkles. Ron looks even more worried.

HEATHER
(soothingly)
Now you drink your tea, and tell me all about it.
FADE TO:
5 INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Ron is looking considerably more relaxed, and has slumped back in his
cushion. Heather is knelt in front of him, concentrating deeply on what
he is saying. Ron, unused to having such a rapt audience, is delighting
in the attention.

RON
?So then I confronted her, and told her the affair would have to
stop.
HEATHER
Really? Well, that was very brave of you Ron. I can see that you are a
man of action, not one to sit around moping. A do-er, that's you
Ron!
RON
(Chuffed)
Well, no point sitting around wasting time is there? Anyway,
back to the original purpose of my visit. The thing is, Heather?
Heather jumps up, distracting him.

HEATHER
Hang on a sec Ron, I'm just going to put some music on. Lighten the
mood a bit.
She goes to the cupboard and rummages around for a while, looking for
the right CD, eventually selecting one, and putting it on.
Low sounds of whales and gentle waves breaking fill the room. She turns
back to Ron.

HEATHER
Now, where were we? Oh yes, you were in the middle of telling me all
about Mrs Fairchild. Carry on, I'm fascinated.
RON
(Confusedly)
Was I? Oh yes, Well, that's about it really. Then of course there's our
sex life! Ever since she went with that ghastly man she has been
requesting the most unusual things in the bedroom department!
HEATHER
Really? Like what, exactly?
RON
Well?actually, would you mind if I had another cup of that tea? My
mouth is a bit dry.
HEATHER
I'll just go and brew another pot shall I?
RON
Which tea is that, by the way? Such an unusual flavour!
HEATHER
It's home grown actually, a very rare Dutch blend, I believe. Would you
like some chocolate cake with that?
RON
That would be lovely; I am feeling a bit peckish actually, now you come
to mention it.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:

6 INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Ron is now slumped against the kitchen wall, a dazed expression on his
face, guzzling his way through a large piece of cake. His eyes are
glazed. He leans over, and helps himself to another cup of tea.

RON
I absolutely must buy some of this Dutch tea of yours Heather, it's
really quite unusual! Whereabouts in Holland is it from?
HEATHER
(Casually)
Ermm, Amsterdam actually. More cake?
RON
Ooh yes please, and the lovely cake. So moist. Quite unlike any other
cake I have ever tasted actually. Mrs Fairchild's cakes always tend to
be at the house building stage.

HEATHER
(Beaming)
I'm glad you like it! Made it myself. I find adding a couple of
handfuls of that Dutch tea to
the mixture makes a nice, moist sponge.
Heather cuts another enormous wedge of cake for Ron.
DISSOLVE TO:
7 INT. KITCHEN - DAY

RON
So you see, what with that, and then all of this trouble paying the
bloody mortgage, it's been a pretty miserable year so far!
HEATHER
Oh dear, poor you! It's amazing you manage to stay so cheerful Ron!
Why, a lesser man than you might just crumble under the strain of it
all!
RON
Well, I don't like to grumble?
HEATHER
(Interrupting)
It must be so tiring, toiling under the strain of such heavy
burdens.
RON
(Sleepily)
Yes, I must admit, it does tire me out at the best of times.
HEATHER
And then I don't suppose you are sleeping all that well either? What
with the stress of it all - sleep's usually the first thing to be
affected.
RON
(Yawning)
I'm absolutely knackered to be honest with you!
HEATHER
Are you comfortable enough there? Would you like another cushion? Why
don't you relax for a while? Listen to the whales and the tide. It
wouldn't be your fault if a poor, overworked man such as yourself
accidentally fell asleep on the job now would it? It's only to be
expected under the circumstances.
Ron's eye lids begin to droop, as he slumps further down the
wall.

HEATHER
(Soothingly)
Poor, tired Ron. You have a little kip! I won't tell a soul.
DISSOLVE TO:
8 INT. KITCHEN - EVENING
Ron has fallen asleep, open mouthed, and is dribbling chocolate icing
onto a pile of Heather's cushions. Heather gets her mobile phone out of
her pocket, and punches in a number.

HEATHER
(Irritably)
Hello? I would like the Housing Department please.
(pause)
Hello? Yes, this is Ms Heather Blume. I have a Housing Officer of yours
who has come out on a home visit, and fallen fast asleep in my kitchen!
Yes, that's right, asleep. I find this to be the height of
unprofessionalism, and a massive inconvenience. I would appreciate it
if you would send somebody around immediately to remove him from my
premises. Thankyou.
CUT TO:
9 INT. HALLWAY - EVENING
Heather is standing in her hallway seeing the Housing Officers off the
premises.

HEATHER
And so I won't be expecting another visit from you for a while then?
Good.
Heather shuts the door and wanders down the hallway towards the kitchen
smiling.
10 INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Heather comes in to the kitchen grinning. She picks up the polythene
bag and takes it to the table. She sits down, and takes her mobile out
of her pocket and punches in some numbers.

HEATHER
Hello? Babe? All clear, he's gone now, come on home. yeah, worked a
treat - played him like a fiddle!
(pause)
Can you pick up some more gange on the way home? It's just that we are
nearly out, and the debt collectors are due any day now.
(beat)
By the way, if they send a woman this time it's definitely your
turn!

THE END