the rentboy, the geordies and the naked man

"Evening Andy" screeched Diane
Ugh he shuddered, wondering how Diane's husband, that desperado-Jeremy
could possibly bring himself to shag someone as grotesque as her. It
wasn't just her face, which had more than a passing resemblance to a
ferret licking piss from a nettle, but everything about her. The way
she waddled when she walked reminded him of a particularly awkward
football mascot. If somehow the halitosis that polluted her each and
every exhale could have been concentrated and bottled it would have
constituted a major development in biological warfare, a new and
terrifying terrorist threat. Miraculously this woman had somehow
persuaded 3 men to marry her, beast masters three, a trio of
dragon-layers.
"Evening Di" he replied. "Might as well get yourself straight off. I'm
sure Jeremy's missing you."
"Okay Andy" she crowed and struggled into her coat.
He shook his head and he watched her Oscar winning penguin
impersonation as she made her way across the car park to her battered
old sierra.

The clock read 11pm, it was Saturday night and while everyone in the
land was amusing themselves in their own particular way, Andy Lamb was
just starting work. He sat and reflected on the nature of the job,
Night Porter at the Travel Inn, Leeds. As a struggling writer and part
time student the position had seemed ideal. His job basically consisted
of sitting at the reception desk for 8 hours as the last of the hotels
guests strolled in, occasionally making the obligatory fire check. This
would leave hours of study and writing time and what's more he would be
getting paid for it, perfect. Perfect that is except for the Saturday
night shifts, like tonight. Weekdays were great, the hotel was full of
businessmen who rarely gave him any trouble and if they did they were
easily dealt with. Being pissed and alone put them at a distinct
disadvantage to him, especially as he stood at 6ft3 and wieghed in at
15 stones. But this want a week night, on saturdays the hotel would be
rammed full of hen nights, stag nights and a motley crew of ravers,
drinkers and young couples looking for a place to have sex. How he
dreaded Saturday nights, what this place needed was a security guard or
even a bouncer.

There was zero chance of getting any study or writing done tonight, he
watched a group of hens on their way out, quite tasty he thought. No
doubt a few hours from now they would be giving him all sorts of
hassle. He returned to his game boy. This helped while away the few
moments that he wasn't mopping up puke or rebooting the fire alarms
which would inevitably be set off by some witless arsehole. Three
relatively uneventful hours later he was just clearing the forth stage
of R Type 2 when the first incident of the evening transpired. Looking
up he found a tall, effeminate young man of about 20 years looking
agitatedly at him.
" i want to report a rape" he screamed.
"Oh my god" Andy replied "where is she? Is she badly hurt?"
"what do you mean she, I'm the one whose been raped"
"Oh, by who?"
"By the fucking dickhead in room 327!" He yelled.
"OK mate calm down, give me your name and ill call the police"
"I'm not giving you my name he said. Don't you know what I am?"
"What's that then?"
"A prostitute you moron. Your boy in room 327 hired me and now refuses
to pay. He raped me. Just call the police and tell them that there has
been a rape in room 327. I want him arrested"
"maybe it would be better if you called them, here's the phone. Go
ahead"
"im not calling them you dickhead, you make the call. I'm going outside
for a cigarette" and with that he stomped outside.
"Why must I be cursed!" Andy exclaimed. This was just the sort of
situation he could do without. Calling the police would doubtless cause
the sort of scene that he had no wish to deal with, but the rent boy
looked equally capable of inflicting misery on his evening. he decided
the rent boy would have to call himself when he came back.

As he came to his conclusion a group of about 12 men were struggling to
operate the simple card key operated doors to the reception. He buzzed
them in and they immediately headed for the bar, which had been closed
for about 2 hours.
"Evening lads" he greeted them apprehensively "Sorry but the bars
shut"
"Shut!" a shaven headed Geordie among them shouted.
"Yes mate shut"
"But we're residents of the hotel"
Many people tried this approach, seemingly unaware of the existence of
licensing laws in their country.
"Yes i know you are lads, but the bar shuts at 11 o clock"
"Bleedin hell. Where are we gonna get a drink then?"
"Well there is Winston's. That's a, er, massage parlour but you can
just go in for a drink. Its a 10 pound entry fee mind"
He was very aware of the existence of the brothel over the road, his
predecessor had been dismissed for renting out rooms at the hotel as a
spill over for the brothels busy nights. They had gone as far as to set
up a little bar in room 302. He'd made a tidy sum before being fired.
The owner of the brothel had already sounded whisky out. She had given
him flyers and promised him ?3 for every guest he sent over. He looked
down at his pile of virtual ?3 pound notes and handed one each to the
geordie lads and sent them on their way. Easy money, ?36, maybe
Saturday nights were okay after all. Even better the male prostitute
hadnt returned and showed no signs of doing so. Huh, what had he been
so tense about? There was at least one other stag do booked in tonight,
16 of them that could be another ?48 in his pocket.

By now he was looking forward to the arrival of the other stag party
but all thoughts turned away as he noticed the naked man banging on the
windows outside.
"What the fuck?"
He went over to the window and saw that the naked man was absolutely
dripping wet, it was November and he was shivering uncontrollably. Andy
quickly opened the doors and the poor wretch fell inside.
"what's happened to you mate?" He asked
"c.. cold, p.. please get me some clothes"
"Hang on ill get you a towel"
Andy dashed off to the linen room where he took one bath towel and a
duvet cover to use as a makeshift toga. Returning to the reception he
passed the man the towel and asked again.
"what's happened?"
"Some lads jumped me took my wallet and clothes then threw me in the
river" he said.
"Fuck me. Ill call the police"
He dialled the local police station and told them that someone had been
mugged and needed assistance. The policeman at the other end said
someone would be straight down, did he need an ambulance? Yes probably.
It wasn't until he hung up that he realised he hadnt mentioned the
nakedness or even the river for that matter. Still that could wait, the
guy was now shivering violently on the chair. he was having trouble
towelling himself and Andy thought he'd better help. This guy was in a
bad way; he could hardly talk and wouldn't stop shaking. It was at this
point that the rent boy decided to return, not having a key to the
hotel he stood banging on the windows. Andy looked up at him and
motioned with his eyes at the casualty shaking before him. The rent boy
looked taken aback for a second but then started banging to be let back
in.
"Cant you see I'm busy" Andy screamed at him as he rubbed the naked
mans arms to get some heat in him.
He didn't notice the blue lights pulling up outside as he did so. The
first he became aware of the police was as he looked up, still rubbing
the naked man to see the policeman and the rent boys faces pressed
against the window.
"Open the doors sir" demanded the policeman. The rent boy was rattling
on at him and he looked back at him in a bemused way. Andy opened the
doors.
"About time, its freezing out there." shouted the rent boy. "Officer I
would like to report a rape!"
"Rape? They told me there had been a mugging" exclaimed the officer. He
crouched down to the naked man and asked "who raped you sir?"
"Not him. Me" screamed the rent boy.
"What's going on here" asked the police officer.
"The man in room 327 raped me"
"This man here has been mugged"
"By the man in room 327?" the officer looked confused.
"No by someone on the streets"
With impeccable timing 12 angry Geordies stormed into reception. They
looked angry and one of them had a bleeding nose.
"There he is the bastard" one of them shouted. Seemingly unaware of the
policeman.
"oy, you've just ripped us off mate, that place just charged us a
tenner to get in and ?3 for a can of fosters."
"i told you it was a tenner in, you said you didn't care, you wanted
more drink"
At this point they seemed to notice the police officer. They had in
fact been thrown out after demanding refunds for the sex they had paid
for yet been too drunk to perform. They wanted revenge.
"yes but you didn't tell us it was a brothel did you."
The police officer looked over his shoulder as he heard these
words.
"Look lads, you were all gagging for a drink and i told you it was a
massage parlour".
"You fuckin ripped us off mate" one of them shouted and tried to get at
Andy.
He thanked god for the policeman who chose that moment to step
in.
"Everybody be quiet" he demanded. "I'm going to call for assistance and
then we'll get to the bottom of this mess." The officer called for
assistance on his radio and asked Andy where the first aid kit was,
he'd spotted a nasty gash on the naked man.
"Just behind the desk" he gestured to the reception desk. The policeman
went behind the desk.
"mind if i take one of these" he called over. Looking at him Andy
winced as he saw that the officer was holding aloft a Winston's flyer.
He had forgotten about them in the excitement. They had been right next
to the first aid kit.
"see officer, we told you. This guys running a brothel. Listen mate I'm
gonna report you to your manager first thing tomorrow morning."
"I don't think there's any need for that" he said as he picked up the
phone. "Hello Brent, i think you should get yourself down here. I'm
quitting..........Yes, as of now"

Poor Brent, he'd been through 5 night porters in as many months. Once
again he'd been called in the middle of the night and once more he
would have to sit there himself. He stood at the windows and watched
the police leave with Andy, he watched the ambulance leave with the
naked man. The Geordies went to bed to sleep it off and five minutes
later a group of hens walked in laughing and giggling. They had booked
in during his shift earlier and enjoyed a flirtatious rapor with
Brent.
"Hello darling" one said "you still here? You should come up with us
and we'll show you some Essex hospitality."
They looked drunk but deadly serious. One of them lifted the hem of her
skirt wantonly and beckoned him through the doors leading to the rooms.
He had to do a fire check soon anyway. Locking the desk up, he put out
his sign RECEPTION TEMPORARILTY UNATTENDED. BACK IN TEN MINUTES.
"where's that other cute guy that was here about 11 ish?" one of the
girls asked "he can come up too."
"Oh he had to leave early" Brent replied "but ill tell him you asked.
I'm sure he'd want to know."