root hog

I don't like the smell in here. It smells old and wet, it smells a
bit naughty. The light is bad, in the day time its bright and hot. It
fills my eyes with spots. At night its green and makes me worry about,
well like about air quality, and if I'm getting enough beta carotene in
my diet. Last night one of the bulbs started to flicker, what can I do
about a flickering bulb? I lay back down in bed. Oh and its either warm
or hot in here all the time. I don't mean 'honey open the window, it's
hot in here'. I mean hot, like my blood is boiling, hot.

It's dirty, there are footprints all over the floor where my wet feet
have picked up the dust. Each one a perfect replica of either my right
or left foot. The bathroom has green in all the little cracks. The sink
and toilet have countless rings. A scientist might come in and start
dating the periods when they formed. The water drains so slowly that
it's impossible, there is always a puddle of a couple inches over the
shower drain. I can't step in that it, there's a haze of filth and
grease on the surface. So now I smell, it doesn't matter much, I
haven't been out for weeks.

I wish something could be done about the dishes though. The plates and
glasses, all the forks and knives, the cutlery, are crusted with old
food. I can't wash them. That's where the smell comes from. Now when
they bring my food I put two or three napkins over the old ones and eat
with my hands. It's easier any way.

Really these things aren't the problem. The problem is I have to get a
job. A job means you go out side and walk to another building and you
make telephone calls. You may even receive calls; actually I'm not
sure. You do this everyday, for the whole day. Also there are other
people in the building making phone calls at the same time as you, or
me. When you finish this job a man will give you money. That's the
problem; by the way, I don't have any money.

I know what a job is, its that I don't have one. That's the problem.
Now in order to find a job I have to go out into the street and talk to
those people. What do you say to them? Hello, of course, I need a job,
or something. This is what I've been wondering for two weeks, just how
to do it. It seems like such a task, an improbable task that I give up
thinking about it, and then I remember I need money. If I don't get any
money this place will never get clean. But a job how will I get a job,
I don't have enough shoes to get a job.

Even that, even the lack of adequate footwear wasn't going to deter
me. Last week I was ready, I had consulted a menu, ah a calendar and
picked the day. It was a Thursday as I remember. I liked the sound of
it, Thursday, rolls of the tongue. That day, the day before Thursday I
was preparing for bed. It's difficult for me to sleep, difficult
because the sheets are uncomfortable, they always feel worn and sticky.
So I take a glass of warm milk before climbing on to the stack of
sheets and turning on my Johnny camper light. I always wear a sleeping
gown despite the heat. I just can't bear all of those eyes out there
seeing me stark as a baby. Well I took my milk glass form the sill; I
always use the same glass that way it's safe. It takes about four hours
to get good and warm. So I drank my milk and went to bed. After a while
the humming of the camper light put me to sleep.

Well either the milk was too cool still or perhaps too warm because it
made me dream. I don't like dreams ordinarily; in a dream I never know
what's happening. Many times I'm given something important to read but
I can't read it because my eyes are closed. So I open them and I
awaken. Where is this important thing to read? It's in my dream, so I
never get to read it. This dream was different, in this dream I had
gone to heaven, like in the bible. I was in a long line with a lot of
people in front of me. I thought oh Ill never get to the front of this,
but actually it didn't take so long. We just floated along in the sky;
there were clouds and everything.

What was surprising as I waited was that as many people who had gone in
front of me were coming back the other way. I tried to speak to some of
them but they ignored me and just mumbled to themselves. I thought
maybe it was full and we were all going to have to wait in this line
again. When I got to the front there was a gate and a big handsome guy
standing at a sort of desk. Just like in all the cartoons. I was a
little worried because I haven't done much praying or other Jesus
stuff. I couldn't hear what the man was saying to the people in front
of me because they make you wait a long way back until its your turn. I
could see that no one went through the gate.

Any way, as I walked up to the man I was thinking, I haven't really
done anything bad, not to other people. I hardly ever see any other
people. As soon as he saw me, he looked like he had gotten a stomach
cramp, like how the teachers used to look when I asked a question. It
made me nervous, more nervous then usual. I smiled any way and walked
right up to him.

We stood there for a moment, I was smiling but he just stared down at
his hands. After a little bit he said" well". I wasn't sure how to
answer, so I said, " ah, hello ah god, I'm here for heaven". He looked
up, real mean and said I'm not god, pointing over his shoulder with his
thumb at a little fire, like a match, "that's god". "Really? He's so
small" "he looks a lot different inside" "Well ok sir, I'm here to be
in heaven", still smiling as I was taught to whenever dealing with a
police officer and the like. "Oh" he said "your not getting in" In the
same way the man who brings the coupon for my room always talks to me,
you cant imagine! I didn't know what to say, really because I never did
nothing bad. So I said " but I never did nothing bad" he was looking
down at his desk again " I don't drink or swear or smoke or dance or
sing". I thought I had him there. He looked up, and in that same
impolite voice said, "look we, (jerking his thumb back) he gave you
some simple rules, very simple rules to follow. If you had followed
those rules you'd be in. We don't care if you smoke or swear or screw
or slew. Those aren't in the rules. You, and I know you, didn't follow
the rules, do you know what I'm talking about"? I knew he was talking
about the ten demands, but I couldn't think of all of them, cause I was
nervous. So I told him " but I never killed my mother or covered my
neighbors ass". This made him mad, he slammed his hand down on the big
desk thing and it was loud. "Look I'm going make this short, you did
nothing. Sat in your room looking out the window at people going about
their day. Every once in a while you would see some one attractive,
attractive only to you as I recall, and get all kinds of funny
feelings, right. And that's OK, but instead of doing anything about it
you'd run to the other side of your filthy apartment and hide in your
bed. We just don't like that kind of behavior. Besides you have a TV.
If you had read the rules you might have noticed two simple statements
one; No graven images, Emm, no false gods. Number two; I'm a jealous
god." "But everyone watches TV who gets into heaven then"? "In the last
twenty years, not counting babies under one year, we've had a couple of
blind, deaf and mutes, A guy that was raised in a basement and had
pizzas slid under the door until his parents died in a freak blender
accident and he starved" Oh that's awful" " yeah, some severely

retarded and like that, looks like about eighteen". " So its all babies
and retards?' He gave me that look again " It's a real ball of laughs".
"Jees, I don" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, now that's the problem, jees for Jesus
right? The son of god, all forgiving, that's where you people got
confused. He isn't running the show here, again with his thumb, he is".
"But then how." " no, no buts get going there's a lot of people behind
you". He waved his hand and the next guy came running up and pushed me
out of the way. Well he's definitely not getting in, at least I
smiled.

I woke the next day, my stomach very upset so that I didn't even have
my grape nuts, and my head was full of these things. Maybe, I thought
god had made a special talk with me, Just to let me know. I don't have
a bible and the last time I saw one the words were so small I had to
squint, which made my eyes hurt.

Later that afternoon I went to the store and bought gin, like they
drink in the movies. A package of cigars and one of those magazines
were naked women kiss each other. If I had any money I would have told
the guy with the big car to send two women to my room and do it for
real. I got back to my room, turned on the game shows, I have a
thirteen inch Sanyo black and white model. It gets all of the networks,
though some times I need to fiddle with the antenna. Drank a little
gin, that really made my stomach hurt, and tried to smoke a cigar. I
sang along to all of the songs I knew for soap and cars. I was even
going to try to dance but the gin made me want to vomit.

So I still have to get one of those jobs where you speak on a
telephone to people you don't even know. But now I know that none of
them is going to see god. Even if they've been really good, because
that guy at the desk is really mean. If I had some money I wouldn't
need to get one of those jobs and could just let all of those people
find out for themselves.