A sack load from the Postman

A Sack load from the Postman

I thought 'her indoors' was complaining about me when I heard her
exclaim "Stupid Junk Male". I waited outside thinking of what I had
done wrong, or even more to the point, what had I been caught doing
wrong.

"No dear, I did not spend ?52.50 in the Cheapside branch of Tesco, I
bought a sandwich and got ?50 cash back". "Of course I spent most of it
on you", "You are always saying that Teynham Wanderers needed a couple
of new footballs". The longer I stayed outside the danger zone the
worse it seemed.

Don't panic JC, remember to breath, often. Then reality sank in. Think
of Archers. Yes dear, that particular night I had to entertain some
clients so I took them to the Opera. Civil Servants do not have clients
they have customers. This was silly, am I not the master in my own
house, I thought to myself in a whisper. Apologise!

Anyway it must have been a guilty conscience. As I entered the room I
discovered that she was referring to 'junk mail'. This is the eight
letters a day we get that either inform us we have been shortlisted to
win thousands of pounds, or, we could be entitled to spend up to
?10,000 on those little pleasures we were missing, or we could get a
particular product cheaper elsewhere.

Winning the huge amount of money usually requires a subscription to
Reader's Digest for at least 3 months. The instant credit usually has
the short-term inducement of 'low start' repayments but regular
deductions for the next twelve years. We had a good example through the
other day. 'Would you like ?20,000 for as little as ?187 per month' A
quick analysis of the situation revealed that;

&;#61623; I could spend the ?20,000. A family holiday, pay off the
credit card and purchase a tank of petrol.
&;#61623; I could afford the payments.
&;#61623; Then the draw back, the payments were over 240 months.
Twenty years of these payments. Would I live long enough? You end up
paying back ?44,880. I'm in the wrong business. Who wants to borrow a
tenner over five years?

And finally the get it cheaper offer can refer to some kind of
insurance or currently, it can refer to mobile phones. With insurance
it is better to find the cheapest option yourself because if someone
else does it for you they will get their pound of flesh somehow.
Remember the only people who do things for nothing are Catholic priests
and Scout masters.

Did you know that Freeman's, Kay's, Great Mills and any other mail
order catalogue use the same models to display their fashion items. My
personal knowledge relates to the fitness and DIY products but I am
reliably informed that this is also the case for ladies
underwear.

I had some guy on my doorstep. Perhaps that would read better as, there
was this chap that knocked on my door inferring that I was wasteful
because I still received my Gas supply from British Gas and my
Electricity from SE Electricity Board. Electricity is cheaper from
Scotland. Must be to do with North Sea Oil. Anyway, I asked, where
would I get a 350-mile long extension lead?

He tried to talk me into signing up but he lost me when he questioned
my sanity for not being as materialistic as he wanted. I would rather
pay the extra than have that smug grin looking back at me from my own
path as he clicks his heels and leaves my gate open.

In the early eighties I pounded the streets of the City, as I worked as
an Inspector. Some hard sell clipboard type who had something to sell
would often approach me. The first question was 'Do you think that you
pay too much tax' I would quite honestly answer 'No'. This was me
wearing my Socialist cap as I genuinely thought that we should all pay
more tax to help the less fortunate. It is only when you have children
that you realise that Civil Servants are less fortunate. I remember
answering a questionnaire once which asked, 'Are you paid weekly' I
replied that all Civil Servants are paid weakly.

Back to the clipboard. When it came to the crunch he explained I would
pay out some money for some savings plan that made the clipboard better
off.

A friend of mine is so good that he arranges at least two appointments
each week where he entertains some poor sod that is trying to get him
to sign on the dotted line. He could decorate a room with the number of
quotes he has had for pebble dashing his house. He also has an
extensive array of different kitchen designs from the diverse price
ranges between ?2,000 and ?12,000.

He never has any intention of buying anything but he enjoys the chase.
He also gets a bit lonely since he stopped drinking, smoking and
gambling. In fact he sometimes initiates contact by ringing up for
quotes.

He also enjoys 'doorstep'arguing with Jehovah witnesses. 'Do you know
that God is watching at all times?' 'Well I wished he had let me know
that the wife was playing away from home before I bought her that
dishwasher'. 'But Sir, that is a trivial matter'. Sid counters, 'The
relationship between man and woman is not trivial, besides the
dishwasher cost me best part of ?300'. "Was there any children
involved, Sir?" 'Not really, I believe the other party had left school
by the time they set up home together'

We have discovered that you usually are inundated with fresh batches of
junk just after you have signed up for something new, such as a credit
card or a form of hire purchase. We have even had fresh pulp after
filling in a survey.

We now introduce a slight misprint in our address on future
applications so we know who has sold on our details. The most
satisfying answer is to stuff all the literature back into their
prepaid envelope without filling it in and send it back to them. They
may get the hint that we no longer wish to contribute to the death of
the rain forests.

The worst form of intrusion is the cold phone call. If they do not
reveal where they got my ex-directory number, I walk away from the
phone so they cannot use it until I replace the receiver. I once went
back after ten minutes once only to find the caller was still talking
on the other end.

Do you wonder how companies like Britannia Records can sell you four
CDs at 50p each? It is because for the rest of your life you are
forever buying records that you may never even play. The thing is I
KNOW they are a con, I KNOW it is all a rip off, but I still go through
the record list and think it would be nice to have that one. How many
times have I looked at the old book list and thought my book case is
lacking a couple of classics, The Ascent of Man, Kane &; Abel and
the Joy of Sex. All you have to do to combat these unnatural urges is
fill in the form, leave for twenty minutes and revisit the options. It
is then that you get another urge to tear it up.

The most amusing junk mail is the free scratch cards. Reveal any three
boxes and if they add up to at least eleven you could win a prize. I
give them to the kids and say that they should scratch off all the
squares and see if it is possible to score less than eleven. If you can
I would then be surprised.

Not content with doing untold damage to my letterbox they also hide all
this rubbish in magazines. I defy anyone to purchase a Saturday
Telegraph from a Supermarket without leaving at least two bits of junk
insertions in the trolley. Newsagent's floors are awash at weekends
with supplement inserts. I feel sorry for the poor kids delivering
these papers. Years ago, late sixties, you only had problems with
Sunday deliveries. In Camberwell we were not bothered too much on a
Sunday with you're Telegraphs and Times, but most families did take the
three popular papers, Mirror, People and News of the World.

As with everything there is always the public health warning. I have
actually thrown away the car insurance renewal form because I thought
it was Junk from Direct Line. It was only the wife's diary that
reminded us that we were entering a period of non-insurance. Instead of
the usual envelopes announcing FREE, FREE, FREE we now see IMPORTANT -
DON'T THROW AWAY. My advice is throw it in the bin, if it is urgent
they will write again.

The writer does not accept any responsibility for any period of
non-insurance caused by the said reader throwing away any reminder.