What's Eating The Mana Knight

Randi walked weary-eyed into the tavern and sat instinctively in the
chair he'd once seen Jema on. It seemed so long ago. It hadn't been a
month since he'd slain the Mana Beast, but it felt like it was much
longer.
He threw a few GP across the table. "Your finest, plase." The
bartender looked at him, cokcing an eyebrow.
"You're a kid. I'm not going to sell you alcohol!"
Randy scowled. "So what? I'm also the Mana Knight, so give my my
goddamn booze, okay?!"
"Yes Sir!" He pured a mug of beer for the kid and gave him a
sympathetic look. "So, kid, you got something on your mind?"
"Don't get my STARTED." Randi took a quick gulp.
"Oh, c'mon kid! Misery loves company!"
"Oh, all right. You promise you won't laught?"
"ON my mother's grave." At this, rand rolled his eyes skyward and
sobbed.
"Mother!" Yet more sobs.
"Is that what's bothering you? Well, I got the best advice when it
comes to moth--"
"--It's not just my mom. I WISH it were just my mom."
"You want me to shut up?" The bartender asked.
"Please. Let me talk." He waited for a response. The bartender
"zipped" his lips. "Well, first off, I told you I was the Mana Knight.
I've done my job, I killed Thanatos, I killed the Mana Beast, I even
put the swrod back where it belongs. You'dthink I'd have found my
'happily ever after' by now, but I guess I got the short end of the
stick.
"I guess I should start with what happened when I came back home.
Puring--that gorgeous blond girl from Pandora-- and I were 'good
friends' by the, and I was THIS CLOSE to... well..." Randi glanced
toward a little girl in a kitty hat, "'YOU KNOW' with her but her
damned father caught us and flipped balls."
"Tough break," the bartender said.
"Yeah. Anyway, I don't know WHAT would have happened if we ever had
kids."
"Why's that?"
"My mom, God bless her--THIER soul, is a tree."j
"A tree?" the bartender looked at the kid's mug, concidering taking it
back.
Randi nodded and added, "The Mana Tree."
"I thought that was a fairy tale."
"So did I," Randi said darkly.
The bartender scratched his head. "So you're daying that the Mana
Tree--your mother--is DEAD?"
"Pretty much," Randi said between teary sniffles, "And I watched her
die. That damned Mana Fortress...*sniffle* blew her up."
"Oooh. That's rought."
"Yeah. So I don't have a mom now... but that's not the worst of
it."
"Yeah? What else?"
"You know that kid Timothy?"
"Small kid with the funky orange gettup?"
"That's the one. He's pretty--"
"--Annoying?"
"No."
"Funny?"
"No!"
"Rude?"
"NO!! He's pretty GAY"
"Gay like 'Piano lessons are so gay' or gay like..." the bartender
made a lewd gesture.
Randi nodded and swallowed a mouth full of beer. "Gay like
THAT."
"What's that got to do with you?"
"I'm the strong, handsome hero type."
"Oh. YOU aren't...you know..."
"No! No no no no. Not at all. But he lays it on pretty thing. He goes
around calling me 'Sweety' and 'Fine Ass'. It's fucking disgusting. One
night I woke up and he was laying next to me. I swear to God I knocked
his nuts clelan through his teeth.
"Of course, Elliot happened to see Timmy laying there, and he took a
picture. He's blackmailing me. I have to give him 50GP a week or he'll
show the elder the picture."
"Ouch"
"I guess. And you know what's the biggest piss-me-off? I can't even
commit suicide. I swallow three bottles of Pine Sol and the damned
sword revives me. It says to me 'You've still gove a distingy to
fulfill' and then fixes me. Good as new"
"Your sword talks to you?"
"It's the Mana Sword. Of course it does."
"Oh."
"So here I am, a miserable mess, hopelessly in love, ruthlessly loved,
crippled by loss and unable to lose myself. A laser. A has-been!"
Randi sat there, looking into his mug with general disinterest. The
bartender went to tend to other customers. There wasn't anything
generally intersting going on, until there could be heard the faint
creak of door hinges. A girlishly high-pitched voice came from behind
Randi.
"Sweet As--er... Randi, the heder want's to talk to you. Something
about a pciture. Anyway, he wants to see you right away." It was
Timothy, the boy with the crush on Randi.
Randi got up out of his stool and slowly trudged to the door which
Timothy helled open. Randi walked through into the summer sunlight. The
bartender surpressed a laugh as he watched Timmy checking out Randi's
ass.
"Mmm!" Timmy said under his breath and shut the door.
The bartender shook his head and snatched up the money from the
table.
"Poor kid."