Eternal Big Brother

Eternal Big Brother

I am lost in her eyes
Distracted and taunted by
The soft glint of light

Not again. God, not again.

UNWANTED.

I am.

UNWANTED.

On my arm.

Gashes tonight - not scratches. Lots of blood. Who do I hate?

Can I believe that it's me that I hate so much? Do I hate her? I almost
ran to her. Almost. Ran. She has me, does she know she has me? I can't.
I can't understand.

I'm wallowing in my self-pity, my self-hate, my self-injury. I cut my
body because if I was thinner she would want me. I wanted to cut my
face because if I was good looking she would love me. I wanted to cut
my soul because I don't want to love her.

I am disturbed.

Am I hurting myself because I hate myself for loving her? Am I hurting
myself because I can never hurt her for hurting me? Am I hurting myself
because I hate myself because I love her and I hate myself because I
want to hurt her for hurting me?

UNWANTED.

I don't want myself. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want her
to love me. She doesn't want me. She will never want me. No one will
ever want me. I wanted to finish it tonight - the gashes were practice
runs. But, no. I stopped. Thinking of you stopped me. I had to explain
to you. That's what I thought through it all. Just. Wait. Think.

I'm not making a terrible amount of sense, am I? I'm sorry. I'm
bleeding and I'm dizzy now. Suzy called me tonight at 1.00am and asked
me to go out. She wanted see me. I went. Like a faithful fucking lapdog
I went. The Powerhouse. She was there with her boyfriend. He didn't
want to be there, so I had to go so she had someone to talk to.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

He gets to go home with her, and he gets to spend time with her, and he
gets to have her share with him, and I get to be there to be funny. To
amuse. Like a faithful fucking lapdog.

UNWANTED.

Now I'm also SURPLUS. She knows I love her and she knows I will always
go, but she doesn't need me. I am SURPLUS. Surplus as the plastic cups
they use at the Powerhouse.

I will always be there. When she turns away from me, I'm gone. I'm not
important until she looks at me. Then I am. I just am. I only exist
when she looks at me.

I am so vile that she couldn't even imagine being with me. I can't even
explain it, not even to myself, let alone you.

It is nothing to do with sex. I can't have sex - not like a normal
person. But sex is giving a part of yourself to someone, and she gives
a part of herself to him, and she tells me about it. And it hurts. It
hurts so much. And I don't know why. Sex isn't important, or it
shouldn't be, but it is. And I can't do it.

I have a son. Nobody knows except for me and the mother. She was
engaged to someone and they split up, and I was there for her. She
wasn't a close friend, but she needed somebody, and I was there for
her. What a joke. She thought I was a funny guy, so we got drunk and
had sex. It was over a year later that I met her with her fiancee
(well, husband now). And their baby. Little Matthew. Oh, he looks just
like his dad - I was a cute baby. I saw her face tense when I looked at
the kid. I just glanced back at her.

>He's got your eyes.

She relaxed. She knew I knew. Both her and the father are dark haired -
the kid has red hair. I think about him sometimes, and I think about
how much better he'll do without me there. She wrote me letter asking
me to please not mess things up for her, and that, yes she thought the
kid was mine. The father has no idea - she told him that her gran had
red hair. I wish that I never knew about him - I wonder if she'll tell
him? I wonder if he'll make her proud. I wonder too much.

I don't know why I just told you that. I'm just scared of sounding
shallow.

I can't have sex now. I'm so scared of the consequences, and I'm scared
of so much more. All I want is someone who will come home and tell me
how their day went, someone who can understand, someone who I can
transfer all my hatred into love for, someone who will kill all my
frustration. Someone I will never know. It makes me think about how
empty my life is, how charred my heart feels. Amazing how emotions
become physical after a while, eh?

The stabbing pain in the stomach of rejection. The ache in the chest of
longing. The torn, shredded arms of self-doubt.

I ask for too much in this life - I ask for contentment. I have so much
else, I know I do, but? I hope you can understand what I'm trying to
say, because I can't. I'm just sore and depressed and lonely and tired.
But I won't hurt myself again tonight. I won't because I've told you
this. I won't because I know that Suzy loves me.

The Eternal Big Brother.

I can tell you this. I don't know why, cos I feel bad for some reason.
You are the only person that understands, I wish I could learn to love
you?

That would make things easier on me.