Ned Kulchur

The Ballad of Ned Kulchur
I left the Kingdom of Fife and I carried my knife
To Auld Reekie and old Glesga toon
With the others I'd play that I met on the way
To wreak havoc a' up and doon.
Ned Kulchur

I made a signature fine, that I kept for just mine
So the polis would know it wiz me
In the midst of the fray, they'd hunt night and day
But too late, coz I'd run away, see?
Ned Kulchur

There was Madman and Sox, and the bairn Jamie Fox
An' some lassies tae, well twa or three
An' we raised merry hell but when it came tae the cell
I made sure it wiz them, never me.
Ned Kulchur

I was clever at school, wouldn'y stick tae the rules
An' I left just as quick as I could
I broke my ma's heart, the stupid auld tart
An' ma faither I punched where he stood
Ned Kulchur

I'm no a nice man,' I said tae Leeanne
When she telt me she wiz up the duff
'I don't care whit you say, I'm no gonny pay'
She wiz greetin', I telt her 'that's tough'
Ned Kulchur

She bad-moothed my name, destroyed all my fame
I wiz angry and you'd be the same
She widn'y shut up, yapped on like a pup
Till I lost it but am I tae blame?
Ned Kulchur

So I grabbed her mane, stabbin' again and again
An' she quietened doon right enough fast
Her eyes went all red fae the blood on her head
I was shocked at the wound on her, vast
Ned Kulchur

I left her there lyin' but I felt like cryin'
Leeanne was sixteen, you see
A bit of a hoor, who came fae the sewer
Wi' less a chance even than me
Ned Kulchur

I ran and I ran till I got tae the dam
Where I washed the blood all clean away
I went and found Rammy and thon eejit Hammy
And I thought up some mischief tae dae
Ned Kulchur

We went intae The Bell, shit and spliffs there tae sell
An' I flung the first pint doon my neck
'Go easy big man,' said thon eejit Ham
So I put him right intae the deck
Ned Kulchur

Said Mick the Knife, 'Ned-boy where's yer wife?'
I frowned coz I knew where she wiz
'Mind yer ain Mick,' I said tae the prick
And my insides were startin' tae fizz
Ned Kulchur

I seen her again, face in ribbons and then
I couldn'y see nothing more
I didn'y feel weel, so I popped a blue peel
And I battered Mick till he wiz sore
Ned Kulchur

'I'm calling the police,' said the barmaid Bernice
But I couldn'y let her do that
'On no ye don't', by fuck ye won't'
My gless caught her in the eye, flat
Ned Kulchur

Fae there things got worse, I wiz pit in a truss
Dumped in the polis station
'I didn'y dae it.' They said 'scum just save it'
And the cell wiz my destination
Ned Kulchur
'You're not so smart now,' said the judge, rotten cow
An' I stood there all sorry and sad
I wore a suite new, and I spoke proper too
A very respectable lad
Ned Kulchur

The judge wiz a nyaff, and so I got aff
Wi' a speech and a piss easy fine
I got some money fae Peehead and Honey
It sure as hell beats doing time
Ned Kulchur

They want me doon sooth, I heard fae the mooth
O' a punter whose name is Yum-Yum
I'll play his game, and spread oot my fame
In Manchester, London and Brum
Ned Kulchur

Like a general I'll lead, teach the English my creed
And my army will spread ' whit a team
Maybe I'll forget, aboot Leeanne and yet
I see her whenever I dream