My Brush With Culture

My Brush With Culture

I went to the Portland Civic Center to see a performance this weekend; I didn't want to go, but my girlfriend made me. Nikki, while not a stuck-up girl, is the kind who wants to be somebody; always trying to improve herself. She dreams of traveling to Italy and France, and spends good money after bad, keeping current with fashion. She reads the classics, likes art museums and Ibsen plays. She always wants to experience, what she calls, "culture." And it isn't enough that she wants to reinvent herself; she's going to drag me with her every step of the way!

When she told me that she'd bought tickets to see Mummenschantz, I only had one question...What to heck is a Mummenschanz? Nikki had a big smile on her face, about as big as if she'd won the Lottery, or just drank a gallon of Moxie and she told me that I'd just have to wait until the show; that I'd be pleasantly surprised. Due to her track record, I doubted Nikki's assessment, but it did bring up hopeful dreams of All-Nude Revues and Mud Wrestling Beat poetry...I should be so lucky.

So the day of the show came and we arrived at the auditorium. I never saw so many stuffy-looking people in all my life. Right then and there I gave up hope of seeing Pamela Anderson or Anna Nicole Smith covered in mud, reciting Ginsberg's "Howl.. I guess it's like Nikki always tells me, "You need to keep an open mind.

We found our assigned row and settled into our seats. A tub of popcorn and a coke would have been nice, but I didn't remember seeing any concession stands when I came in. I asked Nikki about it, and she gave me her, "Don't be an idiot," leer. When she gives me that look I know its time to shut up.

The lights grew dim; everything got very dark and the place went quiet. I kept my eyes peeled to the stage; if something big was about to happen I wasn't going to miss it.

Suddenly a spotlight lit up a portion of the stage and a moment later, a giant slinky appeared inside the circular light. The audience went wild, clapping and cheering. I kept looking, trying to see if I was missing something; maybe a scantily clad woman, or a dog act, but all I saw was this big, black corrugated tube.

The giant slinky moved about the stage and the audience clapped at regular intervals, and a well-dressed lady next to me politely shouted, "Bravo!" but, whatever its purpose, it was all lost on me.

After several minutes of this pointless movement; the slinky slid off the stage, and on came this duo--apparently one a man and the other a woman. I say apparently, because they were both covered head to foot in tight, black leotards--so tight in fact, there wasn't much doubt as to which was the man and which was the woman. Instead of faces, (and at first I wasn't sure,) they had rolls of toilet paper. I whispered in Nikki's ear, "Am I seeing right, are their eyes and mouths toilet paper rolls?" Nikki shushed me with a low "Shhh!" and a rushed wave of her hand, so I figured I'd just wait and see.

This couple walked around the stage, never saying a word, just looking at each other and ripping off tissues from those rolls on their faces. The audience seemed enthralled, and Nikki had her mouth open wide enough to catch flies, but all I could think about was whether I was low on toilet paper at home.

This silent toilet paper confab went on far too long, but I figured the law of averages was on my side. This next act had to be more interesting, right?

Next these two mimes came out again, apparently the same ones with the TP fixation. Just as before, they were dressed all in black from head-to-foot. Thankfully the paper rolls was gone, but in their place was a huge lump of clay. The couple proceeded to work facial expressions out of Those lumps of playdoh and would then look at one another. This was sort of amusing for a few moments, but after five interminable minutes, I had a nearly uncontrollable urge to scream out, "Hey, you've been there, done that, now move on!" but I resisted that temptation because Nikki would have killed me.

That's how the evening went: A big blue ball rolled around eating similarly large jax. White, flat faced people strolled around aimlessly on stage--and I forget, who knows what else. During the entire performance, these mimes never spoke, never groaned, never said a single word. It was almost like a typical evening with Nikki's parents.

Mercifully the show came to an end and we filed out of the auditorium and walked to the car--Nikki all aglow--me, hurriedly digging for my car keys.

"So how did you like it," she asked.

I didn't have the heart (and I didn't dare) to tell her the truth, but managed to avoid completely lying, "It was unusual, very different."

She looked at me with a loving smile and I instantly felt guilty for my ambiguous lie.
"I'm glad you liked it Yem, because I have tickets next week for Cirque Du Sole

"Cirque the what?"

"Cirque, as in circus Yem. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised."

Surprised? I'm excited! I think Nikki is finally coming around to my way of thinking. I just love the big top: Elephants, lions, tigers, human cannonballs--I can hardly wait.