A Day Out

*
The three of us are sitting at a cafe which is looking onto the sun
setting behind an ancient Venetian harbour. I feel like Alexander -the-
Great. We are eating goat souvlakies and drinking wine which is being
poured from a large wooden cask. Her name is Sennita and I am
captivated. Giles is rambling on about the art of octopus fishing -
which seemingly involves wiggling a small, hooked, red rag around some
submerged rocks. At least that's what it nearly sounds like, his mouth
is so full its hard to make out what the fuck he's saying. He reminds
me of Charles Laughton playing Henry the V111. The waiter gets fed up
traipsing constantly over to our table with fresh glasses so he fills
up a large jug and plonks it down - thus instantly becoming Giles`s
most endearing friend. Which unfortunately for the waiter invovles an
impromptu all male waltz and an over enthusiastic cheek kissing. Mind
you he`s Greek, so no harm done then eh? Any-one who is unconvinced of
the uplifting qualities to be found in the simple things in life should
dine in the company of a man like Giles. Sennita is definitely taken by
his pizzazz, her broad grin and quirky chuckling serving as high octane
fuel for my burning desire.
'Tell me one thing General De Gaul what did you say to that goon back
up at the roadblock?'
'Haw haw haw, I say that you call Englishmen bastards.'
'Ha ha nice one, do me a favour though and don't be repeating that if
we hook up with a shower of Trevors at the grape picking, for fuck
sake.'
'Do you?' asks Sennita.
'Naw only when we`re playing them at football - its traditional.'
'Where I come from in Cyprus the Greeks and Turks have real hatred for
each other.'
'Yeah I`ve heard that, so you're Greek then?'
'Half, my father is an American, he was stationed at the air force base
but now him and my mother run a hotel, I am on vacation visiting my
aunt and cousins here in Crete.'
'Mmmm yeah well, aint we the lucky ones,' I say without a trace of
irony.
She looks at me and smiles and I swear I can feel myself melting, yep
melting.
'So now I have to go and visit my family they are expecting me.'
She cheek-kisses us both goodbye.
'Will we see you again? I ask trying not to sound too desperate and
failing miserably.
'I will be in the 'Bazouki Bar'on Friday with my cousins,' she says and
smiles that smile.
I watch her go but before she disappears from sight she turns and gives
a little wave. Oh my God what does that mean? Is she interested or just
being polite? Is she flirting? Does she fancy me? She`s such an enigma!
Do Greek girls flirt? Is she....? Does she....? What if...?
'Haw haw , you like her very much eh?' says Giles watching me closely,
obviously reading my thoughts.
'Be careful my friend,' he warns 'be very careful.'
'Why?'
Giles leans forward and turns serious, a bit too serious for my liking.
'Do you see these hills,' he says pointing up at the surrounding
countryside, 'the graveyards are full of smitten young men - they too
were in love with beautiful young Greek woman.'
'Oh fuck off Giles, this is the twentieth century.'
'Yes, yes but these people live in the past, they are peasants, they
always have been, they live the same as before, if they think you act
without honour towards their woman, they will shoot you then slit your
throat. Believe me.'
'Well I`ll keep that in mind but for now I`m off shopping. Do you know
any decent suit of armour shops?'
*
We decide to check out the beach bars and try and find Nobby. Nobby is
an old aquaintance of Giles and was last reported to be hanging out in
these parts. It didn`t take long to find him, I mean how could you miss
a fucking prick like that - a loud, arrogant German twat. Nobby eh?
he`s well named. I took an immediate dislike to the bastard. I couldn`t
even pretend to show him any courtesy. Not that I was openly hostile,
just erm, distant and reserved. Oh well as my old man used to say,
'son, ye canny get on wi everyone.' Still he does seem to know the
score as far as the town is concerned and he gives us directions to a
cheap hotel, which is good news because we are both tired and I won`t
be held responsible for my actions if I`m forced to spend another
second in the company of this obnoxious fuck-wit.
The 'hotel' is basic in the extreme but when you`re as knackered as
this, it might just as well be the fucking Hilton. I undress, throw
myself on one of the beds and crash. Giles does likewise. Drifting off,
I am accompanied by thoughts of sweet Sennita and a loudly snoring
Frenchman.

***
I try to free my leg but the huge dog`s biting grip only tightens and I
feel more blood running down and collecting in my boot. I try to scream
but nothing comes out my wide-open, panic- stricken mouth, the haunting
drone of a hunting horn the only sound piercing through the mist filled
twilight. I feel myself falling and throw out my arms instinctivly and
grab at a large rectangular erect stone which I suddenly realise is
marking a grave. Looking round I notice more of them. A graveyard.The
panting sound of more hounds and the keen excited shouting of men
approaches and over a small stony wall they jump in unison.I am lost.
What faces! One man levels a shotgun at my chest, another uncoils a
large horsewhip but they remain silent. A third calls the dogs and they
leave me and gather round their master, snarling. He draws a small
vicious looking short sword. He speaks. ' When the Turkish Sultan
tortured my ancester to find the site of the hidden grain, he had him
skinned alive and thrown into the sea.But he felt no pain.Look.'He
pinches his cheek, slices through it with his sword and throws the
bloody flesh to the ground.Through the gaping hole globules of blood
spray out from his visible yellow teeth as he roars YOU HAVE VIOLATED
THE FEMALE KIN OF MY BLOODLINE ....FOR THIS YOU WILL DIE
HORRIBLY....... BUT I AM NO TURK ...MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH YOUR GOD...and
he points to a small chapel at the far end of the graveyard. I limp
over to the church door hoping to meet a merciful priest who can
somehow save me from this terrible fate but when I turn the rusted
handle, its locked.I start to pound on the large oak doors BANG BANG
BANG.
***
I wake with a start. The sweat on my body running in small rivulets. A
dream. A nightmare. Thank fuck. But am I awake? I can still hear the
banging. Bang! bang! What the fuck? It takes a while for me to remember
where I am but soon things begin to pull into focus and I realise
there`s somebody rummaging through drawers. Its not Giles he`s still
snoring. A fucking thief then, it must be! There's a large brass
stemmed, standard lamp in the corner so I slowly sneak over and arm
myself. The thief is too occupied with his search to realise the
danger. I can't see too well but his large frame is unmissable,
silhouetted as it is against the moonlight shining through the window.
I bring down the heavy lamp with full force letting out what I hope is
a blood curldling roar. Ya beauty. Right on the fucking button. But its
not like the movies where there`s one blow and the victim is
automatically rendered unconscious. Oh no, not that simple in the movie
of life. The bastard`s howling in pain though and holding his wounded
napper as he trys to stagger towards the door. I take another swing but
miss hopelessly, the lamp being that heavy and the advantage of
surprise being lost. Giles is up and running, he`s got his knife
unsheathed ready for some serious action.
'Fuck sake Giles dinnae plunge the cunt,' I scream at him realising
that we were not the local police`s favourite tourists and that no
matter the circumstances [i.e. an intrusion by a dirty thieving
bastard] a dead body would hardly be looked on with favour and
congratulations. 'Let him go he`s had enough.'
Thank fuck Giles sees sense and backs off. So the guy reaches the door
and makes good his escape, albeit with a suspected fractured
skull.
We look at each other and burst out with adrenaline fuelled belly
laughs and start to search for the cigarettes and wine - our only
booty. Giles remembers he stashed them under his bed and we`re relieved
to discover they`re still there.
'Whew, that was a close one eh? imagine waking up to no fags and booze'
and we carry on laughing while lighting up and slugging on the welcome,
warm, sweet nectar. I`d been saving the wee bit hash the Geordie boy
had given me for a special occasion but right now I deem that its
medicinal properties are required, so I skin one up.
'One thing my friend, that Kraut will have sore head this day I am
thinking,' says Giles, chuckling.
'Kraut?'
'Yes, he was cursing in German.'
'That`s it, I knew I recognised him. Giles, it was that cunt
Nobby.'
'No, no Johnny he is my friend.'
'Some fucking friend, think about it, he directed us to this place, he
knew we were knackered and pissed. It was him I`ll stake my life on it.
The dirty, sneaky fuck, I`ll kill the cunt.'
'Mmmm, true we were tired and a little bit drunken, he knew
this.'
'Too fucking right, just as well that nightmare woke me up.'
'Nightmare?'
'Never mind.'
The dope and wine suitably anaesthetise us and we gratefully crash back
out, ready for the new day.