Pearl Diver

A pearl diver, thats me, a deep South China Sea semi-precious stone
procurer.What can I say other than its the best job in the world. Yep
nae doubt about it, absolutely guaranteed and this little number is the
most wicked yet. I mean the chef is a total alkie, he`s what they term
a maintenance drinker. Haha thats a guid yin, a maintenance man eh?
sounds like he should be freeing the lift when it gets stuck. Nothing
doing man that fat bastard couldny fix a fuckin beetle drive. The best
of it is is that he likes me. Thats because I told him I supported the
Huns. I always make a point of taking in a portable t.v. into the
kitchen when they`re playing and dutifully go mental when they score. I
don`t give two flying fucks about fitba, I mean who wants tae waste his
time getting serious about that shite. Nah, not for me man, I mean this
is a hotel and hotels have only one thing going, namely they employ
woman - and if your lucky some of these are total shags. Wooly weegies
and Dundee geds mostly, but ye canny have everything.

Wait till ye hear this one, a beauty, one tae tell the grandkids, one
tae toast a toast tae the pearly king of the West Highlands my friends
- slange....Ye realise ah canny name names that wouldny be right
[indiscreet, 'bad form old boy,' 'bang oota order]. So anyway this
Alison[oops]comes intae the pantry where ah was washing and polishing
the establishment`s best crystal. Student type, wears flairs and tight
t-shirts. Total ride. Anyway there`s a washing machine in the corner
and its on spin dry mode, and the whole sink`s vibrating and shaking
man. Yours truly is pressing against the sink wi a semi - which isnae a
semi for long. There`s a hole in ma pocket which serves as a nice
raging hard-on home.
'Hey Alison,' ah shouts over 'ye couldny get ma hanky ootama pocket for
me could ye? its just that ma hands are all wet and soapy.'
'Aye nae bother,' and over she comes. I offer the pocket and turn ma
heed so`s that I can look her in the eye, dead pan of course. Ah canny
believe she`s falling for it and it takes all ma efforts no tae burst
oot laughing an blowing the gig man. Its the face, knowhatamean - the
face. That helpful smile mutates into confusion as she tweaks the head
with her fingers - then recognition twists her features into an angry
fairground mask.
'You BASTARD,' she shrieks and ma smug smiling puss feels the full
force of her wrath - SMACK. Ah just let oot a howl o hysterics. She
about turns an` storms oot o the pantry leaving me doubled up - ahm
laughing that much its hurting, ah mean hurting, ma puss is stinging
like fuck but believe me its helping the flow of joyous joyous
tears.

'Ah heard whit ye did tae Alison,' this is fat Mags speaking, 'and let
me tell ye if it wis me ah woulda dug ma nails in so deep ye woulda had
yer cock inna bandage fer weeks.'
'Aw come on Mags, it wis only a joke,' ah smiles at her.
'A jokes a joke but you go too fuckin far sometimes ye bastard.'
Between you and me ah know for a fact if that auld boot managed tae get
her hands on a man`s erect penis the last thing she`d be doing is
puting it oot o action. Mind you thats no totally fair, big Mags does
get shagged. Ah wouldny touch it wi a barge pole like, but believe me
there`s plenty poor souls who would [and do].
'C`mon lighten up a wee bitty eh, whits that whisky an Irn Bru?' This
offer is taken up so ah go and get the auld slag a bevvy. She`s ugly
and fat and she takes on a kind of matriachial role - looking after the
younger lassies that work here who think she`s great and a 'good
laugh.' A good laugh, yeah right. She`ll be the life and soul o the
party the night anyway `cause ah slip a micro-dot intae her drink while
ahm at the bar. Cheers!

No time to hing aboot and see the result though, nah, ah mean this is
ma day off and I`ve just been paid, time tae trip the light fantastic
man and depart this dump o a hotel bar. Ah work here so ahm fucked if
ahm gonna drink here, `specially no wi these sad bastards.
Maist o the folk who work in hotels get rat arsed drunk on their days
off [exceptin some tight fisted students who are saving tae go tae Goa
or Phucket, Phucket? Fuck that!] and your humble narrator is no
exception. No siree absolutely no exception tae that particular
tradition, but ye have tae dae it in style man. Time tae check oot ma
selection box - an E, two micros, a gram o weed, half a gram o whiz and
this big pill ma mate Georgie Porgie gie me, 'just take half man
they`re fiftys,' yeah right. I roll the whiz up inna skin and swallow
it - dont want to get too pished `cause its the height of summer and
the town is hoatchin wi fanny. Slow John`s behind the bar in the Swan,
nice one, he smiles his usual false smile. 'Hey its our far eastern
bro, lookin fresh ma man, pint?'
I hang fire in the Swan for a wee bit just tae get the low down on
whats been happening, Johnny boy might be the worst barman in the world
but he`s the source when it comes tae the gen , no wonder they cry him
the oracle `cause what goes past that bastard isnae worth knowing. He`s
a snake, a slow worm, a greasy chip-pan-haired-sleazo, but when the
bill`s due, he`s just fine. The barter system is alive and well in the
West Highlands of Bonnie Scotland ahm glad to say - two acid for five
pints and a double vodka and coke, nice one. Time tae make tracks
though ah`ve no had a joint yet and ye canny smoke in the Swan
`specially no this weed, it stinks - bit like Johhny then eh?

Its only the afternoon so ah take a liesurely stroll doon by the river,
its a good spec tae get stoned and the sun is up. There is nothing
better than lying on a river bank thinking about yer next move or just
relaxing come tae that. Ahm dozing just fine when ma daydream aboot
being Montgomery planning the next strategical blow against the 'rat'
Rommel [this time I`ll....] is ruined when Jakey Jake makes a show. Ah
like Jake, he`s alright, street wise, funny, and always up tae
something- and that something nearly always involves him getting his
hands on more bevy. He`s got a healthy carry-oot on him the now ah
notice and he offers me a can. Ah take it `cause its Tennants, no
'super' or 'cally' [or even fragilistic]. That sweet strong beer gies
me the boke, no wonder all these auld alkies ye see doon the memorial
look so sour-pussed all the time, they`re addicted tae something that
tastes absolutely disgusting. Jakes in fine form though, no too pished
and spraffin on aboot his latest run-in wi the polis.

Seemingly he`d been down Saughiehall St. Glasgow busking wi his tin
flute [a cracker o a piece one o his mates made for him when he was wi
the pipe band]. Jake can play by the way and so he`s making a few bob.
Off tae the offy he goes, gets himself a massive cargo and fucks off
doon the park tae get wasted.
This is all fine and dandy, like its in the script, nae problem - then
he goes tae get the bus hame. Yer no allowed on the bus wi drink or
even pished, Jake knows this but he reckons he`s got it sussed, he`s
got a plain carry-oot bag - that is its no got Agnews or anything
blazened all over it and the most ardent oot o work actor has nothing
on him Jakey Jake when it comes tae playing the part o a sober man. But
it starts tae rain and the bag that Jakes got is ane o they stiff brown
jobs that ye get, ye ken the ones ah mean, no quite cardboard but no
paper either, and they tend tae get kinda wet. He`s doing grand, the
bus is busy so the drivers no really clocking the passengers getting
on. Jakes got a ticket so he just climbs aboard and shows it - nae
bother. Then all o a sudden disaster, the arse o the bag gies way
sending cans o beer thundering tae the deck - which of course grabs the
driver`s full attention. Jake starts cursing and stuffing cans intae
his jacket pockets and makes his way through the disgusted stares tae
the back o the bus. He throws himself intae the back seat and opens one
o the cans which is fizzed up good style, so a company o four
upstanding citizens are treated to a beer shampoo for free.
'Ye canny shove a Jakey aff the bus.....oh ye canny shove a Jakey aff a
bus...'
Jakes giein it laldy - an improvised version o an auld classic ye might
say. The drivers no tapping his feet though. He disnae say anything or
even turn his head but he doesnae need tae - he`s got a radio. Next
minute two polis appears, Glesgie sergeants, big bastards who dinnae
look as if they`re gonna take any shite.
'Right pal aff the bus.'
Jakes pished but he`s no in a bad mood [or stupid for that matter] he
just starts laughing his heed aff and goes without any hassle to
another nights hospitality provided by Strathclyde Regional Police
Force.
'Unbelievable China man, ah mean ah wis through, home and dry, safe and
sound, ah`d done the hard work, it wis that fuckin bag that done me up
man.'
'Them`s the breaks Jakey ma man, them`s the breaks,' ah manage tae
squeeze oot after ah`d stopped pishin masel.

We smoke the rest o the weed and drink a few more cans during which
Jake tries tae enlist me intae his latest scheme for 'getting oor hands
on a few sheckles.'
'Its a piece o pish China man ah swear, all we need is a van.'
Aye but Jake man tomatoes ah canny get ma heed roond that.'
'Disnae matter whit the product is Chinks as long as we`ve got a buyer
man, an we have, ready an` waiting wi the readies, ready wi the readies
man thats aw that matters.
Here`s the script. Last time Jakes wis banged up in the Bar-L he`s
petered up with this Indian guy who`s in for reset, they get on fine
and so keep in touch when when they get oot. Next time Jakes down in
Glesgie they meet up. Turns oot that his Asian buddy`s got an uncle who
owns a string o shops. Jake gets talking tae the guy and for some
strange reason the conversation gets ontae tomatoes. Jake seemingly
knows where he can get his hands on 'thoosans o boxs o them.' So its
agreed.
Ah of course dinnae take him seriously at first until he mentions the
'readies'....which is five hunner brick. Ah kinda see it different
then- like two fifty kinda different.
Okaydokey ahm in, ah can get a van, its an auld Bedford but the best o
it is it`ll no be missed, well at least no for a couple o days.'
'Ya beauty, right we`ll meet up later on and ah`ll show ye where the
goods are - ah tell ye China ye'll no regret this, its a piece o pish,
money for nothing, guaranteed.
'Yeah right.'

When ah go and get the van its dark. This is pretty easy because its an
auld yin belonging tae a local building firm that ah wis using when ah
wis stacking bricks for them a while back. The ignitions fucked on it
so all ye need tae start it is a screwdriver. Only problem is theres no
much juice in the fucker, no way ahm taking it tae a garage so ah use
the petrol thats in the yard. Trouble with this is that its pre-mix
fuel [oil in the petrol] for two-stroke still-saws and the like, so the
engines making a hoor o a racket. Ah what the fuck, ah just burst oot
the yard smashing the flimsey gate and padlock on the way oot. Lucky
the yards oot the way and there`s naebody aboot. Ah go tae pick up Jake
hoping he`s no too pished-up for the gig.
'Bit o a wreck this thing is it no China? Ah could hear ye comming for
miles.'
'Aye aye ah ken but ittle hae tae dae. You sober?'
'Sure am, ah could dae wi a few cans for the job at hand ye ken, got
anything?'
Ah open up ma selection box and there`s only an eckie and that fuck off
pill Georgie gie me
'Here take half o this,' and ah split the E.
Jake doesnae look too sure, he`s no really intae drugs. Aye he`ll take
take a smoke when he`s bevvyin but psychedelics are no really his bag
[him being first and foremost a pish-heed] but the knowledge that its
going to be a long time till the offy opens is the deciding factor in
him getting it doon his neck pronto.
'Where to Jakey ma man?'

Now ahm an easy going guy. Yeah. OK its a fuck up o a gig man, but wait
till ye hear.
'May the fourth be wi ye. Eh! May the fourth....' This is Jake at the
top o the fuckin ladder. Nightmare. He`s got the hood o his sweatshirt
up and he`s waving a torch aboot pretending tae be Darth Vader oota
Star Wars.
Whats happened is we`ve got tae this massive greenhoose which is built
up against a hotel`s back garden wall. Ah always thought that
greenhooses were wee things but this ones massive and jam packed full o
tomatoes - they vine type. We could only find aboot a dozen or so boxes
ready picked but Jake doesny see this as being a problem ----as hes
gonna pick them offy the plants.
So we`re now at showtime folks - big time showtime.

Had tae happen, just had tae, Jake goes crashing through the glass- and
its no very quiet. No that he`s that bothered like. He`s shouting --YA
BASTARD-- but he`s laughing his heed aff n`all. Ah goes an gies him a
hand tae get up an he starts tae hug me like a true eckie head.
'Lets get tae fuck oota this Jake,' ah suggests.
'Too right man too fuckin right.'
Aye right, but its no as easy as ye wid want it tae be. Never is
eh?
Here they come. Its no the polis but its the manager and his 'handyman'
[renta thug]. Guaranteed the boys are no far behind though -
guaranteed
Ah can just hear the shite, ah mean how many tomatey jokes can ye think
o? None, ah can tell ye right now there`s plenty and we`re gonna hear
them all in the tin pail. Every one.
Jakes on the ball though, he spies the two guys coming - or rather he
spies the torches they`re carrying. He pushes me oot the way and
charges doon the path.
Come over to the dark side Luke.
Top o the voice.
So its a light sabre battle with duracell.
Only problem was the 'handyman' hadnae seen the film [or read the
script for that matter] So Darth and Luke end up square going it - with
intent.
As soon as Jake lands him on his arse ah run over and grab a handful o
jacket.
'C`mon Jake lets leg it man'
So we do. Leg it that is, just left the van and ran.
The handyman was getting up but ye could tell he wisnae gonna chase us
through the woods. He`d earned his paltry sum for that week thankyou
very much. And no bastard said anything aboot chasing wired-up tomatey
stealing cunts through woods in the pitch black.
Naw naebody mentioned that at the Jobcentre.

Back tae town. Tired, pechin, down but no oot. Nae way. Jakes laughing
an` doing a mental rain dance. Ahm in dire need o a spliff and we`re
both dying on a cool, cool pint. Trouble is its aboot hauf one [kinda
sums it up eh half won, haha]. Nae need tae panic though there`s a nice
little hotel just up the road where ah can get a stay-behind and a
bar-tab nae bother. It helps when the manageress fancies the pants aff
ye.
So me and Jake end up in the Pondside Lounge Bar at two o`clock raring
tae go. Three o`clock and we`ve necked six pints and starting on the
rums. Nae dope though. Wait ma selection box isnae empty. Nah no yet.
This pill is huge. Ah canny mind just exactly what Georgie said tae me.
Ah think he got them in Portugal over the chemist counter. Might be
valium. Ah fuck it.

Now this is strange. Wierd. Its never happened to me before. Ah`ve
woken up but far from familiar surroundings, in fact ah`ve no a clue
where ah am. Not that its unpleasant. Ahm tucked up nicely in bed,
which smells fresh and clean and there`s ma clothes folded neatly on
the chair, this is definately no the holding cells. There`s another
single bed in the room which is empty, ah check and am relieved tae
find that ah`ve no pished the one ahm in. Funny thing is is that ahm no
feeling that bad - bit groggy like but no that hung over feeling ah
usually have after a day off.
'Brinnnnnnng brinnnnnng,' Christ its a phone going off. Should ah
answer it? Chances are ahm no supposed tae be here.
'Brinnnnnng brinnnnng.'
'Ehm hello.'
'You`re awake, coming down sir?'
'Eh, aye, ye could say that, eh, sorry tae be an ignoramous an that but
could ye possibly tell me where ah am?'
Muffled laughter. 'What you don`t remember sir?'
'Eh, no, sorry, ah haveny a scoobie.'
'A scoobie sir?'
'Eh, aye, eh sorry, a clue.'
'Just turn right when you leave your room sir and follow the stairs
down I will be happy to fill you in on any ehm memory blanks you may
have.'More muffled laughter.
'What time is it?'
'Nine o clock sir.'
Nine o clock thats okay, ahm no working till ten but ah still haveny a
clue where ah am. Obviously some kind of a hotel. Ah open the door and
consider trying tae find a fire door and doing a bolt but ahm feeling
so woozy the prospect of running is making me feel sick and thats just
thinking about it. So its the music.
Ah reach the bottom of the stairs and open the door. Ahm in the
Pondside Lounge. Christine [the manageress who fancies me] and two
other younger lassies who work there are ahootin and aclappin.

Ah`ve made mah exit. Got to hurry now. Soon be time to start. Last
warning. Get a hauf bottle tae appease the chef. Can`t be too careful.
That`ll dae the trick. Christ if only mah heed would clear. Crashed
right oot in the pub seemingly. Jake had tae carry me up the stair.
Everbody laughing. Reddie. Rag doll Total wipe-oot. Vallied ootamatits.
Never again. Never.

YOUR FIRED HEAR ME FIRED GET OOT MA KITCHEN
'Aw c`mon chef ahm only quarter an oor late.'
EH? WHIT THE FUCK....
'Its only ten fifteen.'
AYE AT NIGHT TEN FIFTEEN AT NIGHT YE DOPEY WEE BASTARD
Now ah`ve heard people tell that a second is a long time. That a lot
can happen in the time that second hand hits the next stop but ah never
believed it.....ah fuckin well dae noo.
In the space o a second ah knew that it was pointless trying any
excuses. Ah knew that; ah`d thought it was morning time, the chef knew
that ah`d thought it was morning, ah knew that he knew and he knew that
ah knew that he knew. This being the case [we both know] it doesny need
tae be said that the reason for this time discrepency is because ah was
totally banjoed.
Put another way ah`m FUCKED - big time.
So ah pull oot the hauf bottle ah`d got and take a long slug.
'Aaaaaaaaah.'
The chefs looking at me as if ahm some kind of new species recently
discovered living under a large stone.
But ah ken when tae get oot. So ah do.

Time tae pack ma bag. Fuck maist o these pants `n socks are needing
washed - no change there then eh? Canny find ma pipe. Canny get the zip
shut. The usual.
There`s a knock at the door and its Wobbly Walter, the token poof
waiter.
I heard you got sacked,' says Wobbly with a certain amount of genuine
concern in his tone.
'Sure did Walter, ye wanting a pull on this,' ah offer him the rest of
whisky ahm tannin.
'Ta, did you hear about Mags?'
'Naw, how whits happened?'
'Oh she freaked out, really freaked out, she`s in hospital just
now.'
'Eh?'
'Yeah she had to fill in for a barmaid that never turned up and went
totally ape-shit behind the bar'
'Your joking.'
No gen-up, you know that old guy that comes in with the dog, always
stands in the same corner, drinks nips and half pints.'
'Aye, ah ken the guy ye mean, he`s got a beard like a yak`s
arse.'
'That`s him, hee hee funny you should mention his beard, Mags nearly
pulled it off his face.'
'How, what happened?'
'Well the guys just minding his own business, reading his paper like he
usually does when he notices Mags staring at him real close up with a
queer look on her face. So he asks her whats wrong.
'Did ye know ye`ve goat wee men living in yer beard?' she says
'horrible wee men that look like elves.'
'Ha ha ha....elves in the guys beard, yer kiddin me, Walter you are
having me on.'
'I swear I`m not but wait thats not all, next minute she grabs the guys
beard and starts to haul him across the bar screaming like a
banshee.'
'Whaaat?'
'Aye then she grabs the water jug and pours it over his head - trying
to drown the wee men.. The poor guys roaring his head off 'Get her off
me, get her off me for Jesus sake.' The wee dogs running round barking
like mad. The rest of the customers are stunned into silence. Rab the
barman runs over to the rescue but Mags` grip is like a vice, the guys
in agony and spluttering water like a geyser. Eventually Rab gets her
off [shes got a fistful of hair in her hand] and bundles her through
the back door. He comes back through to see if the old guys all right
but of course he`s far from it, I mean he`s in pain, shock and soaking
wet into the bargain.'
Ahm shuddering with silent laughter, its not just the story its the way
Wobbly`s telling it, the guy should be on the stage - all hands and
actions like.
'So he sits the guy down trying to calm him but he`s having none of it.
He wants to call the police.'
'The polis?'
'Oh yes it all got a bit messy after that, Mr. Hardgreaves the duty
manager was involved. The police arrived and then the ambulance because
Mags was in her room screaming about dragons and demons.'
Christ these trips musta been strong ...ah hadnae tried them but ah
mind the lassie that gie me them telling me they were like the old
stuff you used tae get.
'Listen Walter ah`ll hae tae make tracks, see ye again some time eh.'
Ah shake his hand and get the fuck outa there quick style. Its only
gonna be a matter o time till the polis arrive asking questions, in
fact Mags must still be in Middle Earth, thats why they`ve no been
round looking for me already.

Looks like ah`ve kinda overstayed ma welcome in this particular jewel
of Scotland`s tourist trail. Still the seasons no over yet. Ah go down
and get an Oban Times tae see if ah can get masel a job up there for
the rest o the summer. Aha just what ah`m looking for:

WANTED KITCHEN PORTERS FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF SEASON please apply in
person.