W - Amsterdam Sex Fiend (A Sketch)

Amsterdam Sex Fiend

(Documentary Style. Conversation with 'typical' northern bloke.
Interviewer unseen.)

Voice Over: Dave is forty two, and in most respects, a normal man.
However, for the first time today, Dave is going to shed his veneer of
respectability and head to the continent... To a place where he hopes
to escape the abuse he often faces back in the UK.

Interviewer: So why are you going to Amsterdam Dave?

Bloke: It's difficult in England. People don't understand. "Oi, weirdo"
- I get that a lot.

Int: And Amsterdam?

Bloke: It's just a lot more relaxed over there. People don't judge you
like back home. It's more accepting of things that are a little out of
the ordinary.

Int: How does your wife feel about all of this?

Bloke: Well, she's never been very happy about it, but you know, when
you marry someone, it's for better or worse. And at the end of the day,
I provide for her, and give her money to go shopping, so when I need to
get a little action for my cock, she's pretty okay about it.

Int: So we're following you around tonight, what do you hope to
achieve?

Bloke: Oh I don't know really... maybe do a little sightseeing, take in
a show. As long as it involves some hot chicks and my cock, I'm not
really too fussed. And I've heard it's nice and cheap. Apparently, you
can get laid for chicken feed.

(Night-time in Amsterdam's Red-Light District. Bloke is looking into
windows.)

Bloke: This is what a cock needs...

(Shot of windows. Only legs are seen. Chicken legs... In
stockings.)

Bloke: ... Isn't that right Foggy?

(Camera pans down to reveal a large Cockerel.)

Int: Has your cock seen anything he likes?

Bloke: It's hard to tell at the moment. He likes to play his cards
close to his sleeve this early on. He'll want to do a bit more window
shopping first. We'll know when he's ready, he'll raise his head.

(Shot of Bloke and Cockerel walking slowly along pavement occasionally
talking to each other. Occasional shots of Chickens pecking at
windows.)

Later, outside dingy club entrance.

Int: So where are we now?

Bloke: I'm not sure. I've never been here before. Found it on the
internet. Caters to our particular needs apparently. Come on
Foggy.

(Inside shots of men and their cockerels sat at tables like a
lap-dancing club with a long aisle in the centre. Many shots ensue of
Hens/ping-pong balls/whips/what looks like a lesbian chicken sex show
etc. All faces are blurred - human and poultry.)

(Cut to Bloke sat at bar alone. Noise and confusion all around.)

Int: What's happening at the moment Dave?

Bloke: It's all gone a bit mad to be honest. Basically our cocks
couldn't cope with all those chicks going for it on stage. They
couldn't hold it in after the lesbians. Jumped on stage and went at it
like rabbits.

Int: But that's awful.

Bloke: Absolutely, I couldn't believe my eyes at first, but then one of
the regulars came up to me and explained that this is normal for fowl.
It's accepted.

Int: But still...

Bloke: Apparently, if your cock doesn't get involved, then it isn't a
good night.

Int: So why has it all gone mad?

Bloke: Well, sadly one of the chickens got choked up there. The
security guys are trying to find out which one did this fowl
murder.

Int: Did anyone see? Is there a description?

Bloke: A little sketchy, but he's a big cock, the top of his head is
red, and underneath there's some dangling thing. Look, maybe we should
carry on later.

(The following morning onboard a ferry.)

Int: What's happened since we spoke earlier Dave?

Bloke: Well, it was looking pretty sticky for my cock at one point
there. Apparently one of the bouncers thought my cock had caused the
unfortunate incident, involving some of the chicks and a vibrator, that
led to the riot. Took a lot of explaining I can tell you.

Int: And how did Foggy get out of trouble?

Bloke: Well, I told the police that Foggy was innocent and that they
should find someone else to blame.

Int: Some other cock'll do?

Bloke: Will do! And Foggy would never use a vibrator on a chick... Some
other cock'll do dildo, but not my cock.

Int: And now that it's all over, have you learned anything from the
experience?

Bloke: Yeah. I think next time we'll not leave things to chance. We'll
prepare better.

Int: Not count your chickens before your eggs have hatched so to
speak.

Bloke: Pervert.

Int: And you Foggy, how was Amsterdam for you?

Foggy: Fucking wicked mate. Best night of my life.