Changing

I've got some sorting to do. Things can't just be simple. If they
don't make themselves a mess, I've got to make them a mess. What the
hell is wrong with me? I'm shaking, I'm nervous and why?! Why am I such
a fuck-up? What's happening? The happy hormones are fighting for
survival and are slowly dying, being killed off and undertaken by the
malevolent, dark grimacing hormones rampaging through me. My defence is
trying to keep them away but yet again they make their way back to the
surface and seem to be taking over my body, heart and soul. I sit here
with my quivering hand, incompetently trying to write this, with my
eyes droopily trying to keep from closing, with my muscles painfully
trying to stop tensing. Do I want him or is this feeling I have
pretentious because I've brainwashed myself into thinking everything is
perfect? I've hammered into my head and heart that he is right, he is
the one for me, but is that really anywhere near the truth?

My minds in too muchof a cloudy grey mist to be able to decifer whether
the love I want to feel is true. Whether what we have is real, or just
based on fantasy. I've taken a step out of it to view our relationship
from afar, so as not to get "sucked in" and it seems I've taken a step
too far back. So far back in fact, that I've become detatched from the
passion I should be feeling. The lock holding us together has been
broken. I should be feeling free, but insetad I'm left stranded int his
fog of confusion, waiting to be locked in again, waiting to be
reassured that this is what I want and what he wants; waiting to be
secured, waiting to feel safe.