Chapter One - An Office Romance&;#063;

The K-Hole -

A Novella at the end of the century
by Steve Thomas

Prelude -'The Orgasmic Fishtank'

"Drip, drip, drip - glug, glug, snort, sniffle - inbetween sounds of
the 'Windowlickers' groans and grunts as they press distorted faces up
against hard cold glass. Trapped inbetween the lay lines, moving
biscuit eyes in rotation - the possessed monkeys watch with glee trying
to conceal their dolphin smiles. Serpents' slither, the lightening
flash of forked tongues as another wash from the astral waves flows
over cobalt sands.

Charlie Brant junior on the baseball field strikes imparting his secret
knowledge of the universe, for today is Tuesday. Tuesday in the
'Orgasmic Fishtank' remembering to turn the teaspoon anti-clockwise.
Tomorrow is Wednesday the god Woden's day. As Kevin turns he can see
Jesus surrounded by a ring of fire, he vomits with the ecstasy, green
bile smeared on frosty glass. 'Tomorrow is Wednesday' Kevin thinks to
himself - always remember - Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday -
anti-clockwise, but on Wednesday clockwise as because Wednesday is
Jesus - here upside down, imploding in the 'Orgasmic Fishtank.'
Kevin thinks of forever, as forever is a long time when you're gnashing
your teeth for eternity. He freezes with the fear, things are fading as
he senses the horror" - Something moving on the perimeters, God damn he
hates it when this happens. Bright, bright lights again - NO - falling
out, slipping away from the warm confines of the fishtank, the sharp
cutting teeth of partial reality pulling him back. Agony -the pain of
being born once again as the safety of his womb's forsaken. Kevin
screams - he's screaming primal screams from the depths of his
being.

So we start this story as every story has to have a start, but I'll
take you away from the orgasmic fishtank for now to the humdrum
dullness of office life at the very end of the twentieth century. The
'Windowlickers', bless them will have to wait along with the ley-lines
and the monkeys with their dolphin smiles. All this will come later,
I'll try and elucidate as best I can but you'll have to bear with me,
as it's hard when you're trying to explain the inexplicable.
Who am I? I here you perhaps asking - well I'm a guide, a mentor if you
like. You see that's how I became so entangled with Kev Dooley and his
friends. Me and Kev you see are really one and the same, without me he
wouldn't really be there but without him I suppose I wouldn't have
taken on this particular form or have the same personality. This said
however, I've existed in many different forms and have had many and
varied facets since time began itself, I am eternal, I am infinite - I
am the beginning and the end. If I have a name, I suppose you could
call me the entity. For now I must say my goodbyes but I will see you
later, much later - as the beginnings must now be begun

Part One - An Office Romance

Kevin Dooley was a quiet, unassuming and thoughtful man. Hard working,
loyal, upstanding and straight as die, at times he was more than prone
to depressions, which were complemented by his naturally nervous
disposition. Clever and good looking were attributes anyone who knew
him would be quick to add. Not that he was oblivious to this of course
but his self-effacing demeanor and low moods, often meant that he
brushed aside compliments or deserved recognition where it was due.
Forever ignoring and overlooking himself had become a habit, being
prone to bouts of self-neglect when particularly down. If self esteem
were measurable like an economic indicator Kev's would be under
perpetual recession, an ego floundering in negative equity.

With his silken mop of fair hair and 'athletic' physique he'd had no
problem in attracting women. His distinguished tones, betrayed with the
nuances of dulcet West Yorkshire were yet another endearing facet. His
undeniable attractiveness anyone would have thought to be a boon, but
Kevin found that the many women that sought him, too often were the
strong dominant aggressive types. Relationships had been instigated
prematurely, without consideration, sometimes on Kevin's part they were
even unwanted, essentially incongruous matches - damage to his fragile
emotional welfare often the resulting outcome. This meant that often
his partnerships were unhappy affairs. He'd slip into them not really
considering what he wanted, sometimes finding himself not in the least
attracted to the girls that had netted him in. But, like a docile old
dog, he stayed always playing second fiddle, usually getting his
fingers burnt in the end. . It was inherent pessimism and lack of
direction that had so far left him feeling that he had achieved
nothing. At work although respected for his diligence he was often
taken for granted, passed over for promotion - just part of the
furniture was the view held of him by middle management at Dominion
Insurance Plc He was floundering, just floating on the waters of life
like flotsam and jetsam waiting for whichever direction the tides of
modern existence would take him next.

The last year had been bad, awful in fact. Never, ever involve yourself
with someone at work; common knowledge you'd presume and Kevin knew
this before it'd happened, now only too painfully from his experience.
When Karen cornered him in the nightclub after some cringe worthy 'Team
Building' event
, He'd like to think it was the two bottles of 'Chianti' he supped that
had weakened his resolve. Truth was he had none anyway, just played to
her advances in submission. Next thing he knew she'd practically moved
in with him and was spending hard earned salary at 'Ikea' in an attempt
to get his flat furnished in the style that had become 'essential'
revered by the rest of the office clones at Dominion.

At first he complied quite happily, he was the type that took to
mothering quite easily. Soon she had neatly allotted his life for him
though. Karen was one of those opinionated types who 'always had to be
right,' whilst at first they had always discussed things together, now
she took centre stage, never listening to what he had to say, or
negating whatever views he might of had. They'd only visit her friends,
do what she wanted to do - even down to what programme they'd watch on
TV. Worse was the position at work, Karen it seemed was intent on going
for any new position that was going. Getting Kevin to help her with his
technical knowledge of the IT systems, to even writing and preparing
her applications himself. One day on finding he was applying for the
same job; she immediately consigned the neatly completed form to the
bin.
"No good, you applying as well. Anyway you're just not a people person,
not what they're looking for - it's a waste of time," she had cruelly
remarked.
If Karen's presence in his life had been at first what he had needed, a
tonic and help. Now she was unbearable, encroaching on his life and
sapping away at whatever little sense of self worth he had left.
Soon Kevin began to realise that something was going terribly wrong.
Depression struck Kevin without warning like an arrow straight into his
darkened heart. It was if he'd been transported away from himself and
was now a passive spectator on his own life. He'd lost charge of the
control tower and felt like he was slipping away into the void of sad,
mad melancholy. No appetite, no enthusiasm for anything anymore. At
work one day he'd been talking to someone and then lost all thread of
what he'd being saying, then gripped by fear ran outside, tears
streaming down his face. He tried to think but that was no use either,
the mechanics of the mind clogged, slowed - only imparting glimpses of
paranoia or terror.
Late that year as he was slipping into blackness, unable on some days
to move from his bed. He'd become snappy and even more antisocial than
usual at work. With the inevitable missed days and what a new female
manager ascribed to a 'serious attitude problem' it wasn't long before
he was called to one of those 'informal' chats with a senior manager in
order to 'offer help' and assistance.
When Karen heard about this she exploded into tears, demanding to
attend the meeting. As Kevin had recently been prescribed Serozac a
fashionable new 5HT-inhibitor by his doctor, it was obvious to her that
he was 'mentally ill.' Soon the whole office knew of his problems,
people didn't know how to take it avoiding speaking to him, in case
they upset him. He was unstable some thought, if he's mentally ill
there's no knowing what he could do. If the truth were known though, it
was Karen who was the unstable one. With her motor mouth gob and
totally inappropriate over reactions, she had marked herself as a
troublemaker in the office. The attitude displayed to Kevin was
apparent elsewhere and at work in her team, she knew better than the
managers, better than anyone.
The problem was that her generation had been the first to see the
explosion in those going on to University. With her degree in Theology,
she really thought that she was something special, destined for
something great in life. The early 90's and relatively high
unemployment had meant that graduate or not, job's were hard to come
by. It was then that the phenomenon of the office 'clever-bastard'
became commonplace as thousands of graduates many undeserving of
anything else swelled the ranks of large companies as office clerks,
telephone salespeople and junior managers. A degree was now merely seen
as making somebody employable. Often with mountains of debt incurred,
those who'd just finished uni were in they were an easy target for
employers to exploit. They really needed a job, to stave off the banks
and credit card companies that had ensnared them, under the illusion
that when they'd finished they'd be earning a wage that the letters
after their name merited.
Like her Kevin had been to university, but he was a dropout. Two
painful years at New College, Oxford reading PPE, before money troubles
got on top of him forcing him into his present job. Without Karen's
arrogance and with his lack of real ambitions though, it had first
suited him fine. Enough to pay the bills and keep the mortgage on his
small flat going. Karen had triggered some resentments and bitterness
from the past regarding this, telling him he deserved better but at the
same time reinforcing his worthlessness when he'd try to do anything
positive about this, like the binned job application he'd at least
attempted.
The 'chat' as it were, went well, very well surprisingly. Trev Morley,
operations manager who was the senior partner involved had known Kev,
since his start at the company. Trev was a benevolent and wise boss,
who had plenty of human resources knowledge, but it was the twenty or
so years he had behind him of dealing with staff that gave him the
edge. He was an astute judge of character, almost enlightened in some
respects you could say, from hard practical experience and natural
instinct. He wouldn't hesitate to dismiss someone who was taking the
piss, a genuine wanker or skive, this was different and he had respect
for Kev, gained from their previous dealings. Fran Hutchens, who'd
instigated the minor disciplinary, quite frankly annoyed Trev, as she
was over emotional, over ambitious had that touch of the pedantic that
he'd often found in middle managers, especially women ones at that. Her
recent promotion and problems with Kevin he deducted may have stemmed
at least in part from her own insecurities. She may have been
overwhelmed by her new responsibilities and had focused on Kev's verbal
unpleasantness, his aloofness and irksomeness, demonising him as the
instigator of all her and the teams problems. As he was the most
knowledgeable member of the team and other team members had often
looked to him for help before consulting her - it must have been
painful for her. At the meeting he'd paid her, her dues and seemed to
be supporting her position more initially, but this was only to be
expected a function of his role as chair. He summed up wisely looking
firmly at Kev and Karen, then Fran, "What I don't want to happen to Kev
is that we worsen his position. I've listened carefully to you Fran and
true some of the remarks Kev is alleged to have made do seem to have
been unnecessary and overly caustic even for him. Not the type of thing
we want in our highly motivated office. We don't want to tarnish him
with too many black marks though. There is the 'Halo and Horns' aspect
to consider and it seems Kev is wearing the horns so to speak
currently. Your behavior can't continue Kev, and after listening to
Karen, I think it's wise you see you're GP - sharpish. If he suggests
some time off then fair enough - but we want to see an improvement,"
his face then broadening etched with sympathy, "really Kev, we want to
see you well and playing a full role as employee and team member." He
then considered for a few moments, "Not many companies in this town.
Perhaps only two I can think of at hand would be so considerate - but
at Dominion we put staff first and the well being of our associates
comes first. I appreciate you've had some difficulties and we want to
see how we can make those right." Whilst he was saying this it was
appreciatively noticeable that Fran was looking more and more
disappointed, clearly not the outcome she would have hoped for.
As Kevin was about to leave, Trev came over and clasped his shoulder
warmly, "Here's a book you might like to read. It's a pop psychology
self-help type manual; by one of these self styled management gurus.
Normally I can't stand the things, but this one has a good chapter on
depression and reversing negative self-image. Hope you don't mind me
imposing it on you, you might even glean some use out of it."
"Trev, thanks for you're support in the meeting. I really don't know
what's come over me these last few weeks - I really need to get a grip,
but Fran, Christ she's made things harder for me at work, if you must
know"
"I understand. What you need, Kev is a break, go and see you're Doctor
and get him to sign you off for a month. That should be enough - let
things settle down a bit, get Fran's attention on other matters. In
confidence Kev as I'm being quite candid, a staff member with
depression and dealing and empathising with it is an incredibly
difficult situation for someone new to the position like her to manage,
she's probably out of her depth on this one. Anyway, I'm glad you've
got Karen beside you - she seems to really care about you."
Kev thanked him, but tried not to wince at his last remark. If only
he'd known the other half. He put on his jacket placing the book into
his shoulder bag after at glancing at the title, 'Paradigm's and
Panacea's: proactive solutions utilising emotional intelligence - an
indispensable guide for managers'
Kev did the sensible thing and went to see his Doctor, who not only
completed the necessary sick forms but also gave him a couple more
prescriptions for even more and ever stronger psychiatric drugs. In
addition to the Serozac, Kev was given Mellfutil a minor anti-psychotic
for if he were feeling 'edgy' and to paradoxically counter the
side-effects of the Serozac, Dr. Levers told him the later could
produce mania but 'it's not generally a problem' and finally Hero-clone
the non-addictive new wonder sleeping drug. Dr. Levers had told him not
to take these every night though, just in case, Kev was incredulous 'so
much for being bloody non-addictive' he thought. Kev on occasion had
read up about these new chemical saviors, flicking through the glossy
magazines down at the surgery. He was glad of his pessimism and natural
distrust of the claims that the marketing men made for them. If he'd
had believed the hype he would soon expecting to 'better than well,'
but in fact Kev was soon feeling plain drugged and so after a week or
so he discontinued taking his happy pills, keeping Karen in blissful
ignorance.
The time off from work no doubt was doing him some good though. It gave
him space from Karen and for once some time to reflect, to consider
where his life was really going and for once try and find what he
really wanted. An old mate down in Cheltenham had been pestering Kev
for sometime for him to go and visit for a few days and so towards the
end of his time of work, feeling much better and regaining his
confidence he took up the offer. He took a cab to the railway station
and bade Karen his farewells, this was the first time he'd done
anything like this is ages and it felt good to do something for
himself, for a change.
The escape to the Cotswold's had been a tonic. Kev had enjoyed himself
so much. He'd planned to stay until the Tuesday, but then had to cut it
short as he remembered an appointment with Dr. Levers and he needed to
sign him back and ready for work. On the Monday evening he was back at
the flat and had even bought Karen some flowers he was feeling so good
about things.
If he'd had been more observant he might have noticed the other car
parked next to Karen's on the drive as he made his way in, or the
bomber jacket hanging limp at the bottom of the stairway. As it were
things didn't really sink home until he opened the bedroom door only to
find Karen, butt naked aside from the strips of PVC taping that she'd
been trussed up in being rodgered senseless by a stocky, heavily
sweating bloke in a ski mask. The bloke it turned out later was Mike,
the Glaswegian security guard who worked with them at Dominion and who
was supposedly one of their mutual 'friends.'

Shocked and disbelieving was at first how Kevin felt. The whole world
then seemed to be collapsing around him. He had just managed to pull
himself away from the precipice of blackness, a blackness without
fathom or reason - that insidious malady of late twentieth century
living, the black dog of depression. Emotions and feelings collided
upon him, like in a landslide following the terrible discovery in the
bedroom. The red-face Mike, leaving in what must have been less than a
minute. He'd try to utter something, but embarrassment and shame must
have paralysed him. Karen began crying, she tried to mouth a 'sorry'
but Kev just slammed the door in her face. He retreated to the backroom
downstairs, the pack of cigarettes rapidly depleting. Kev shook
violently, sorrow and rage simultaneously occupying him, the tears on
his face all but visible through the Marlboro fog while he thought. Now
his problems the enveloping anger had an identifiable cause, this
didn't make him feel any better - but now he had reason, something that
had upset him so much he couldn't forget. He'd have to deal with this,
resolve himself and find remedy, or slip under yet again, perhaps this
time for good. He knew that depression was internalised anger and he
must - NO - he would not let the rage turn within.

Part Two - 'The Project'. Things take a turn for the better as far as
Kevin is concerned. Can he sort out the geeks in systems development?
How will he get on with the office rude-boys and will he finally start
trying to have a good time............