Virgin, The

I have a problem and there is nobody I can discuss it with. It
embarrasses me too much. It is sort of a sexual problem. Or rather, a
problem with sex. I haven?t had any. I am sixteen and I am still a
virgin. There, I have said it. Now you know. Please don't laugh.

I have wanted to have sex for as long as I can remember. I have read
about it and seen it in the movies. I have watched porn on television
and I have seen it in magazines. I consider myself an expert on sex,
despite my lack of experience. I know all the words. All the
noises.

It seems to me that everybody is having sex except me. In the
supermarket, the pretty checkout girl. She's had it. I can see it on
her face. And that girl on the bus, the one with the tattoo, she must
have had sex. Everywhere I go, library, shops and college I am
surrounded by the initiated. I am sure they all know about me. I feel
like it is somehow written on my forehead, visible only to
non-virgins.

All my friends have had sex. My best friend is Jay. He lost his
virginity when he was twelve. Twelve! I have missed out on four
potential years of sex already. He says he has done it often since then
with a variety of girls. He says he likes older women best, because
they are more experienced. It is not fair. Jay is shorter than me, and
spotty. He doesn't even shave properly. How come he has, and I haven't?
Of course, I haven't admitted my condition to him. I told him that I
lost my virginity at fourteen. I told him that I have done it loads
since then. I told him that there is a housewife on my street who lets
me, when her husband is out. I think he believed me. I felt rotten
lying, but I knew I would feel worse with the truth. At least I said
fourteen.

I have three other good friends. We are a sort of gang, I suppose. At
least we tend to hang out together. John, Rich and Mike are their
names. They've all had sex. They've been having it for at least three
or four years. They are always talking about it. It's funny though, I
don't remember any of them ever having had a girlfriend. They seem to
do it on their holidays, mainly, or when they are out of town. I guess
foreign girls are easier. I told them that I had a shag on a day trip
to France. John and Rich said they had, too. That made me feel better
about the lie, because obviously it is a common thing. It made me feel
worse about my trip to Calais though, because all I did was buy bangers
and eat steak and chips while my parents shopped. John and Rich bought
bangers, too when they went. I remember we scared smaller kids with
them, when they came back. Mike says he has had sex with two women at
the same time! I think that is just greedy. He should have shared. Some
people get all the luck.

I have asked, without giving myself away, what they think is the best
thing to say, to get a girl to let you have sex with her. The consensus
seems to be a direct approach. They agreed that simply asking a girl if
they want a shag is the best way. I agreed too, not wanting to appear
ignorant. We are planning to go to France for a day, after Christmas,
all four of us, with no adults.. When we are there, we are going to
have a competition to see who can have the most sex. The French for
"can I have sex with you?" is "Voulez vous couchez avec moi?". We will
say this to every French girl we find. I estimate that we won't have to
ask more than four or five times before one of them says yes. After
all, they are foreign and will probably be amazed and impressed that we
are asking them. Rich thinks we will only have to ask a couple. In a
day trip, we should be able to manage at least half a dozen shags each.
I wish I had been able to speak French last time I went.

Mike said that often you will find a nympho who will let you do it to
her loads. He said that he did it eight times in a row with one. This
worries me. I have tried it by myself and I don't think I can do it
more than about three times. But I told them that the most I had done
was six. Jay has done it nine times in a row. Maybe that?s why nobody
wants sex with me. They can see that I can't do it loads of
times.

My other worry is my thing. You know, my 'equipment'. I don?t think
it?s big enough. The ones on the movies are much bigger. Much, much
bigger. I am scared that a girl would laugh at me, or wouldn't know if
it had gone in. I have measured it. Mike says the average is six inches
when stiff. I guess mine is six inches, but only just. I wonder if it
will continue to grow until I'm twenty or something. Mike says his
looks little when he's going for a wee (I saw it and it does), but when
it goes up, it's almost ten inches! I told him mine was ten inches,
too. Maybe mine would grow more if I had sex. I saw a machine for
extending it in one of John's magazines. It's only going to take twenty
five days of paper round to get it. I can hardly wait. I think if I had
a big one, girls would be keener to have sex with me.

Perhaps it's in my pheromones. I have read about pheromones, and
apparently they are smells that make girls think you are sexy.
Everybody has them, but some have more than others. I think I have very
few of them. The very same pheromones exist in pigs urine. There is an
advert for a spray with extract of pig's urine in John's magazine.
Unfortunately it is beyond my budget, if I want to get the penis
extender. Rich has an uncle who keeps pigs. Next time he goes to the
farm, he says he will try to get some pig's urine. We have been
discussing the best way to collect it. Apparently pigs are both
irregular in the timing of their bodily functions as well as quite
liberal in their dispersal. Mike and I have been trying to invent a
sort of strap-on plastic bag to tie around the pig. It is only a plan
on paper, but already Rich has rejected it. He says that pigs bite, and
are very likely to be bad tempered when he tries to put it on. Our
second idea is a bucket tied to a stick. Rich would simply have to
follow the pig around until it pees, and then stick the bucket under
it. We are still trying to persuade Rich to do it though. He says he
will feel stupid following pigs around with a bucket on a stick. His
aunt already thinks that he is strange, and keeps telling his mother
that he is going through 'that funny age'.

At school tomorrow, we have a sex education class. What a waste of
time! They must think we are so thick. We have all known all about sex
since we were about eight. Jay and I are going to blow up a condom in
the class and let it off!