Jesus Girl, Please Forgive Me

Jesus Girl, why can't you forgive me?

I'd found religion, come to church each week,
I'd healed the sick, prayed for the meek.
Your beliefs the ones I liked the least,
But I'd celebrated the holy feast.
I'd said one thousand hail marys,
And listened to your bullshit stories

Yet Jesus Girl you can't forgive me?

I'd volunteered, take the old folks to Morecambe,
I'd bought a tape of Harry Secombe,
Your anger if I can be so bold,
Was 'cos my eyes weren't on the road,
And I really tried to swerve that van,
I'd didn't know the old lady was your Gran

Surely Jesus Girl, you must forgive me

I'd fasted all that time for lent,
I'm not quite sure what the damn thing meant,
But at the end I was so damn hungry,
Tithing had taken all my money
And I met a girl who was your sister,
so pretty really, I should of kissed her,
Instead I took her to my house,
and stripped her to my bra and blouse,
It wasn't even a sharp machete,
yet her brains rained on me like confetti,
her toes and fingers were all cut off
and thrown into my human broth.
The stomach would make a pretty bad,
Intestines a pretty scarf, I'd brag.
The blood and guts all became a blur,
I can't believe I'd murdered her,
But I grabbed a glass and grabbed a fork,
found myself a vintage 'cork'
A human meal, what could be greater,
Are you mad because I ate her?

So Jesus girl, why can't you forgive me?

This should end, as you come through my gate,
The traffic must have made you late,
I'm sure we'll find something fun to do,
I sharpened my machete just for you.