Large's Last Joke - CH1 Brief intro

Large’s last Joke

Large Baxter was a big strong man. He was six foot three and weighed 17 stone. He had size 12 feet carried no fat and had arms that could hold four bags of cement above his head. This was a party trick on building sites where he used to work and he was once likened to a walking HGV (or ‘HG me’ he used to say) such was his ability to carry heavy loads over long distances. He was 35 years old single and still lived with his mother in a two bedroom house on a quiet estate. Usually any man still living at home at that age would raise questions from the curtain twitcher’s particularly about one’s sexuality but Large was just different and besides he could be bad tempered so nobody enquired.

Of course Large was not his given name he was christened Moby because his mother seemed to recall his father was from Wales though the memory of conception was confined to a hazy drunken night 35 years ago and no goodbye note in the morning. Large’s mother couldn’t bring herself to be known as a Miss with a child so she just assumed the title Mrs Baxter and told her new neighbours that her husband had passed away.

With his sizeable physique including an extraordinary square head that sealed a face that could launch a thousand quips Large was both intimidating and alluring. He always wore a clean shirt and jeans and had a bunch of odd sized keys that hung from a Clown faced key ring on a belt loop of his jeans. He knew it was as naff as wearing a sovereign ring (he had one) but it was part of his character and it made him smile.

Most people seemed to like Large for who he was although I guess some people preferred to be on the right side of him just in case he wore the black cloud. Large had a remarkable memory and could recall names and faces from years ago and he often surprised people by telling them who they were and how many siblings they had.
But Large’s most extraordinary gift was for telling jokes and he had the most comprehensive library of jokes known to man and every single joke was stored in his head.

The jokes were a mix of old, cheesy, funny, clever, bad and new. Some of his jokes could be considered risqué, sexist or racist but Large had no concept of a wrong or distasteful joke they were just jokes to him. If you didn’t laugh at his first ones you would crack under the volume and smile at some stage of his relentless delivery. If a celebrity died or some major event happened in the world Large would be the first one to have the new joke. No one knew where he got them from and it was hard to believe that he was capable of being the originator.

Now that may sound a bit harsh but there was a side to Large that most people were unaware of. Large was not considered normal and most people knew at first sight that there was something not quite right despite his warming character. He could change moods very quickly and this was usually signalled by his cold and unnerving stare when something troubled him. This stare unsettled strangers and friends alike. He took pills to control his temper although no one knew what pills they were and Large wouldn’t discuss the issue other than to say they were not ‘hippie drugs’.

Nobody seems to have known Large before he was 17 years of age. There appeared to be no childhood memories and he never discussed his own life yet he had an encyclopaedic knowledge of other people’s lives. Large didn’t like answering personal questions it would agitate him and he would storm off rather than address them. As with any subject where there’s little evidence to support the truth people make things up and this mythical exaggeration happened to Large. People claimed to have known him since he was a baby; children though he was from a different planet and was here to select which of them he would take back with him.

In a good mood Large seemed to get on with everyone other than the very young. The small faces and curious looks used to make him feel uncomfortable. It was almost as if he had no experience of being that age and he had no connection. He felt like the scary doll that terrified children so he tried to avoid them. In a bad mood Large climbed into himself and put out the lights.Large had little education, which makes his remarkable memory all the more amazing. He never understood maths yet he could calculate scores on dartboards and orders of drinks within seconds. He never read books but would always watch the news on TV.

His CV was half a page and his Mother spent a long time telling him not to put funny comments on a job application form as Employers wouldn’t see the humour in it. Large took offence at the simplicity of questions on an application form for a job that required no skill because he knew people thought he was a bit stupid and he knew he wasn’t he just thought differently. With such failure to secure a regular job Large had to rely on casual labour for work. ‘I’m as useful as a eunuch in a sperm bank’ he often said to his mother who would respond with ‘don’t be so vulgar Moby' which cheered him up.

When he did find work he was usually a good worker and did as he was told. He drifted through lots of unrewarding dull jobs on building sites, warehouses and fetching and carrying in numerous stores. In between jobs he spent time being unemployed which was a bleak time of his life although he did like the freedom. He enjoyed a drink, always lager never spirits or wine. He was never seen falling over drunk and would often collect glasses in local bars and nightclubs in return for a couple of beers. Most landlords welcomed him because he could attract a crowd when he was performing his impromptu stand up and he revelled in the laughter he was creating.

The problems began after the show when Large would attempt to stroke an attractive girl’s hair or touch her face gently with his hand. Because of his size his looks and his stare he frightened women and he was often asked to leave the bar he had just performed in ‘I just want to feel something soft that’s all’ he used to say. Large never had a girlfriend and he never understood the rules of dating so he appeared to accept that he was destined to be single and probably a virgin.

Large had a routine which involved getting up early every weekday and walking around the Town Centre just as the shops were opening. He knew the names of most of the staff who worked in the stores. He would charm the female staff with compliments ‘morning Mary did you know the sun rises from under your chin everyday because it likes to light up the most beautiful face first’ was just one of his lines that deserved a laugh if only to avoid a groan and it always got a smile. He often whistled badly out of tune when he walked along the High Street and he would pick up litter and put it in the bins.

He always stopped at George’s Café for breakfast where he would bellow to the owner ‘morning George can I have a cup of your own piss that you call tea and some fried fat with a little bit of bacon clutching desperately to its side and a couple of eggs with trunks on so they could swim over to the bacon and can you leave the mould on the bread after toasting it so it’ll to add colour and taste to what I’ll throw up later please?’ this usually made the other customers laugh whilst George would just shake his head knowingly.
After breakfast Large would continue his walk through town saying hello and reciting more jokes.

The local police knew him and were friendly enough but Large kept his chat brief as if he didn’t want to compromise himself. He always felt guilty talking to a policeman but he never knew why. At 4pm Large would disappear and most people assumed he had simply gone home. He usually reappeared in the evening looking for glass collecting jobs in the bars he hadn’t been banned from and always made a promise to behave which of course he could never keep. Today was different Large didn’t appear in the evening although most people that were used to his habits assumed he’d found some work somewhere and they’d no doubt catch him later. But Large didn’t show up in Town that night.

The last person to see him that day was Jean Meadows who worked as a part time cleaner for a wealthy family about a mile from the Town. Jean was a neighbour and she often saw Large wandering homewards about the same time she finished her work so she would always offer him a lift. Large poured his considerable frame into Jean’s small car (he once said that getting into Jean’s car was ‘like King Kong trying to put on a pair of Tom Thumb’s underpants ’) and his repertoire of the day’s jokes began.

Jean always looked forward to this because it made her smile after a hard day’s work. ‘So come on Large make me laugh with a new joke’ Jean asked in anticipation. There was a lengthy pause and she noticed Large was just staring out of the window and ignoring her request. ’are you ok Large?’ she said whilst gently touching his right shoulder with her left hand. He slowly turned his head towards her and said ‘I’m sorry Mrs Meadows I only have one joke left but I can’t tell you it’

Jean sensed that Large was close to tears so she tried to rescue this moment of sadness by saying ‘that’s ok Large you’ve made me laugh so much over the years that I can just think about your best jokes and that’ll keep me going’ she smiled in the hope that it would encourage him to comply but he just clasped his ands together and stared at his feet. The uncomfortable silence was broken when he asked if he could get dropped off by the canal because he wanted to visit a friend who had a boat.

Jean obliged and wished him well and he said ‘thank you for the lift’ he was always polite and off he went. Jean arrived home and called in on Mrs Baxter. ‘Hello Mrs Baxter how are you today?’ she smiled. ‘Oh Hello Jean I’m fine thank you have you just finished work?’ She replied. ‘Yes another day done’ she then looked at Mrs Baxter and said in a way that she hoped wouldn’t worry her ‘Is Large ok today Mrs Baxter? only I’ve just dropped him off near the canal where his friend has a boat but he looked quite sad’. Mrs Baxter looked surprised and then confused ‘he hasn’t got a friend who has a boat’ she said ‘she paused briefly before adding ‘and he doesn’t like going near water’…….