Trying, 15 July 2012

Sunday 15 July 2012

A week since the Durban July… the Durban July horse race day took well over 2 weeks to physically set up with marques etc (and the advertising started months before that, nevermind preparing the horses), a day for the event and a week to take everything down again. Shame, the grass hadn’t seen sun for so long it had turned yellow, I wasn’t happy about that. The litter and mess left behind by 55 000 people is the furtherest thing from a ‘pretty picture’ that I think anyone could imagine (and the smell was stomach churning!)… what we put our poor earth through just seems so unfair…

Today is an entry that I’m making as I once again avoid my Honours work, but I can now add to the procrastination pile: Setting the third term Grade 9 and 11 syllabuses as well. I’m supposed to have it finished by tomorrow, but my head of subject only gets back on Tuesday, so … on with blogging! Heh heh. (My laptop doesn’t have ‘blogging’ in its vocabulary and the nasty red underline looms to warn me of the dangers of procrastination ;)

The weather is bizarre as I type, beautiful, clear, sunny skies and near gale force winds. A friend I used to waitress with always told me that this type of wind means great change is a-happening… true, as school holidays end today :( My hours of being able to stop and reflect will pause once again for the mad rush of life and everything else. At least the winds are today and weren’t yesterday, because yesterday was the Virginia Air Show and the watching points would have been ghastly in these winds. So last weekend I had helicopters flying by and yesterday there were planes in formation, more noise and pollution…

Why I was actually moved to write another current blog in parallel with Eish! London was because of a moment this morning. I have an old Nokia, (the one I bought with that money from my Mom when I first arrived in London, Eish! London 17 April) that allows me onto the internet to ‘see’, but I can’t log-in to ‘do’ much at all; so it’s purely a perusal device. Thus I can follow some of my fave poets, or revisit poems I recall. So, this morning I decided to check out a poet I’ve (I admit it!) become a tad addicted to… anyway, the poet’s latest work is retrospectively about the death of someone. My soul doesn’t handle these types of emotions well at all. The empathy and pain always get to me, yet death is part of life, as Estes writes: Life-Death-Life, the cycle happens every day in many ways. Another poet lost her grandfather to cancer a few months back, shortly after I lost mine in the same way… across continents and our emotions were in tune. Thus, with these and many other shared experiences in my memories, I’ve been trying to figure out: How connected are we? How powerful are our thoughts and feelings? How much do they stretch across continents? Jane (my friend who helped me when I first moved to London, before she moved to Geneva) was on my mind, in an unpleasant way, a couple of weeks back, so I sent her a text message with a “BIG HUG” to let her know. Five days later she texts back to say that she really needed the text, perfect timing, because she was going into surgery for her kidney in a hospital in Geneva. How did I sense there was trouble? How did I know I needed to connect? Does everyone get those feelings, or is it just me, or only those who are ‘awake’? How many people get those feelings and ignore them, when they could’ve been the silver lining to someone’s day?

On Friday night (ha ha ha Friday the 13th it was ;), I was using one of my photographs (I love my photography!) to create a thank-you card for the lady I hostess with at the rugby stadium (see last entry 7 July 2012) because she had bought me a gift. I’d passed my number onto her a while before, but she hadn’t yet sent me a message. True’s Bob, who texts me while I’m making the card? Sandy! Then I get to work yesterday and she has hand-made the most beautiful denim bag with my name on it! (I’m going to use it for my Spanish dancing shoes :) Thrilled!!!) This is a lady I see every other weekend or so, and we were thinking of each other at, literally, the exact same time. Then I thought that there are so many people who focus on money and possessions, that maybe, because their focus is not on people, they can’t be in tune with other souls, because their focus point in life doesn’t have a soul… does that make any sense to you? I’m not sure, I could be the strange one here…

Then to top all this off, at work in the rugby box yesterday, I had a bury-yourself-in-a-hole moment! Starting back in 1989 my history of genuine ‘crushes’ on boys have, for reasons unbeknown to me, mostly seemed to either have their name starting with ‘T’, or, be born under the Gemini star sign… weird, but true. In 1999, at the prestigious university we went to, I met a chap, G, and he tumbled into my life, mind and both of the categories above. There was loads of chemistry and on more than one occasion he told me he would marry me… now that is not a smart thing to say to a girl who is not exactly pro-wedding vows; even though this man excited me incredibly at the time, my soul was never inline with my body and mind, there was always something intangible holding me back. Years later, after many tries and fails between us, mostly due to me, he got engaged to another girl and they walked down the aisle (I was not invited). I still love it when I run into him though, all those feelings rush back and I smile at the experiences life has led me through (and, interestingly, I often feel a sense of relief too, like a knowing we made the ‘right’ decisions after all). So yesterday morning, randomly, in that place between asleep and awake, I have this premonition / feeling / idea / dream that someone is writing wedding vows (if it was you, all the best!), and then I had a laugh, thought of G, and realised that if it was me getting married, I’d actually like him to be there, with his Wife. I also had a long chuckle at myself though, because I still see wedding rings as gold finger-cuffs! My spirit does not take well to being caged, or contracted, or vowed into a promise I may not be able to keep as life’s changes unfold. So the thought went off to wherever those thoughts go… until, I got to work…

As the people who sit in the seats I look after share tickets, or give them to clients, I never know who is going to walk in the door… and who should walk in yesterday? Guess, go on, I dare you… G’s Wife! I nearly died! Right there and then I wanted to dig a hole… the lady who ended up with the successful husband, who is now running his own businesses, with all the ‘perks’ and living well, walks in to see me, the ‘girl from the his past’, in her working hostess outfit, at her service! I don’t think I can quite describe the feelings that rushed through me all at once. I sms’d Val (she’s moved back to South Africa now, from New Zealand, with her son) who knows the whole story from 2000 and she sms’d me back “Oh that is hysterical! Lol!”, Laugh out loud, indeed! “Just breathe and smile! X x”. I saw the humour in it all and decided to simply be the best hostess I could possibly be. Thank the Lord I’d already dealt with people from my past being in the box and not being sure how to handle their ex-classmate in a position of service in her 30s and with a degree, post-grad and corporate history behind her… I tell you, humility, man it is one TOUGH pill to swallow!

The whole point of the story? Are we connected? Did my thoughts that morning have any link with G’s Wife walking into my box? Do we have that much power? Are we awake and aware enough to find out?

The good news of the day was that it ended with my cousin taking me out dancing (haven’t been out since March, and all that wondrous energy erupted! I have not missed the dodging men part though. Ugh!) AND after over two months since my car accident, I signed an agreement of purchase for a vehicle that I can use my Dad’s insurance money to buy. The funny part is, it’s an automatic! Oh my greatness, I’ve only ever driven with a gear stick… on with conquering this challenge… and I HAVE to get this Honours assignment done already, after I quickly bake some soy, gluten-free scones ;)… As the incredible planes fly past my window on their way back to their home base… not looking forward to walking to the grocery store in these winds… bring on getting a car on Wednesday! Amen to that!